Sunday, February 26, 2006

Religious Winos

I don't know how things are where you're at, but here in Texas you can't buy alcohol before noon on Sundays. And by "alcohol" they actually mean beer, too. And yet, how many gallons of wine did the Christians here in Texas drink today before noon? I don't know about the other faiths, but I know that Catholics drink wine at every mass (or at least the decent ones do anyway). And sure, we're only talking about sips, but those sips surely add up. So how many gallons of wine did the Catholic Church give out in my state? Easily a thousand, right? There's gotta be like a thousand Catholic churches in Texas, right? At least. And some of those are big mothers. They had to have consumed at least a gallon a church, right? At least. Probably far more than that. And so why is it that the Catholic Church can serve thousands of gallons of wine to anybody they want (including minors), while I can't even buy a fucking beer at the store? Free-market economy, my ass!

Not that you need to worry about me getting turned down for a drink this morning. Hell, no. I made sure to buy enough last night. And let me tell you, if there's anything nicer than a sunny Sunday morning with a cold Shiner Bock, I don't know what the hell it is. But I have had that happen to me a few times before, and it just sucks. I sometimes like to go shopping on Sunday morning because it's not so crowded. And I often like to do a BBQ thing on Sundays, even when it's a little chilly. And there's nothing better than BBQ with beer; just ask face-shooter Cheney. I don't want to have to go to the store twice, but they won't let me get my damn beer. I wasn't even planning to drink it until the afternoon; but they wouldn't let me have it anyway. One time, I went ahead and voted in a run-off election that I hadn't even heard of while I was waiting for noon. I voted for the guy without the funky name, figuring that everyone else was going with the funky-named guy and I wanted the other person to get an extra vote. I was right, Brewster McCracken won. But I still had to wait to get my beer.

Or what about sherry? I love sherry, but here in Texas, I'm not allowed to buy anything classified as a "dessert wine" after 10 P.M. And somehow, sherry is considered a dessert wine. My mom says that it's because you're only supposed to have a glass of it after dinner, but fuck that. If God hadn't intended us to drink it by the bottle, he wouldn't have put it in a damn bottle. But because of this oddball distinction, I'm not allowed to buy it even when other alcohols are available. And yet, I betcha if some church wanted to serve me damn Thunderbird straight out of the brown bag, they could do so any time of day. Just as long as I sat through the service, nobody would think twice. And isn't that a form of government-enforced religious preference? That the government makes it so that there are times when the only source of booze involves receiving religious evangelism? Sure, maybe you've never been tempted late at night to sit through a church service just to get a sip of wine; but dammit, I was desperate.

So will we someday get parity with this? Will they let me buy beer any time that Christians are allowed to receive wine? Hell, I wouldn't even mind if I had to buy it from the church; just as long as all the money went towards purchasing more beer. I'd even drink church beer, just as long as I didn't have to sit through a religious service. And if it's the whole purchasing thing that's upsetting them (again, a definite disruption of the free-market system); then I would have no problem with receiving the beer for free. And if no company is willing to give us the beer for free, then I say that the government should have to buy it for us; again, simply to achieve parity with the thousands of gallons that the churches are handing out. That's the least they could do to ensure religious freedom in our great nation. And it better be good beer, like Shiner Bock. Because there's nothing nicer than a sunny Sunday morning with a cold Shiner Bock.


pat said...

So, how do you feel about Shiner Bock?

debutaunt said...

Stock up on Bock. Then you never run out.

Now I know what to buy you for Christmas.