In honor of President’s Day, I just thought I’d take this opportunity to drop all the pretense and for once be honest about how much I really hate George W. Bush and to finally confess that every word I’ve ever uttered against him was entirely irrational and utterly wrong. Were it not for my intense hatred, I would be forced to admit that he is officially The Greatest President of All-Time, and is the best thing to happen to mankind since Jesus Christ himself walked among us. All of my arguments attacking Bush are made solely to cover the fact that his unending success serves to highlight my constant failure, and the failures of my political party, ideology, and entire way of life. Oh, and it also highlights the failures of the Communist Party, to which my soul is pledged; as well as that of the Islamafascist Terrorists and Gay-Loving Feminazi Secularist Man-Haters, who own the mortgage on my house.
Not that any of this is news to you, as I’m sure you’re in the same boat. I just thought I’d use this holiday season to finally be honest about what we all know is going on; and what we would all feel better admitting to, if only we didn’t hate America and ourselves so much. Next year, the War on President’s Day will continue as usual.