Friday, January 30, 2009

The Broken Record Speaks

Obama's bipartisanship has clearly thrown Republicans for such a loop that they've gone totally insane.  Here's crazyman John McCain, talking about the stimulus bill:
"One, we have to have an alternative and two, we still hope that the administration -- although time is running out -- that the administration will sit down and do some serious negotiating, which they have not done," he said.

"I have to tell you I'm disappointed so far in the administration's lack of consultation or efforts to work with Republicans on the stimulus package,"

It is one thing to talk to Republicans, he said, but "it's entirely something else to bring them to the table and sit down and say, 'OK, how can we come up with a common outcome that we can agree on?' They haven't done that."
But, of course, Obama has done that.  Going as far as to visit Capitol Hill personally to see what further concessions it would take to win them over.  And only a complete loon could possible imagine that this was some sort of one-sided affair with Obama getting the blame.

But McCain doesn't really believe that.  The problem is that he's got nothing else to say.  None of them do.  These guys have been fighting this same pointless war for so long that they have absolutely zero rhetoric to use in case someone actually did behave in a bipartisan manner.  This is all they know.  

And that's one of the many reasons it was so necessary for Obama to do what he did.  Not only because it fulfilled a campaign promise, but because it would throw these boobs for such a loop that they'd be entirely clueless as to how combat it.  He gave them exactly what they've all said they needed, and all they can do is continue to insist that this is what they need.  With just this one bill, Obama has exposed the fraud that is at the basis of most Republican rhetoric.  And all that it took was for someone to actually take them up on their offer and to do so from a position of strength.  And it all came tumbling down.

And so Obama looks like the good guy who tried to do the right thing, while McCain looks like an out of touch old man who's living in the past.  And that's exactly the case.  There will be people who agree with McCain on this, but we never had them anyway.  Beyond them, even the people in the cheap seats will see Obama's pitches wizzing well within the strike zone and gasp in amazement as he does it every time.  But the question isn't how he's doing it, but rather, why did it take so long for anyone else to figure it out?

Nihilist of the Day: Barack Obama

And here's my latest post at American Nihilist: Nihilist of the Day

While this is obviously redundant and cliched, I'm awarding Nihilist of the Day to none other than Barack Hussein Caliphate Stalin Obama, for helping push America closer to the brink of ruin by bringing his unabashed nihilist style to the Whitehouse. But rather than focus on what he's doing right, I'll start by highlighting a few items this article cites regarding the previous resident of the Whitehouse.

Bush required his staff to wear a coat and tie at all times while in the Oval Office.

While being chewed out for fifteen minutes one weekend, Dan Bartlett was forced to remain outside the Oval Office doorway, as he wasn't dressed appropriately to be chewed out inside.

When Bush wanted to talk to a staff member, he always summoned them to his office.

Meetings with Bush started and ended on time.

Bush once had Secretary of State Colin Powell locked out of a cabinet meeting because he showed up late. You may read that sentence again, if you like.

Bush did not engage legislators in details.

Bush did not receive daily briefings on Sundays.

Bush did not receive daily economic briefings.

Bush changed the Oval Office decor upon arrival.

Bush likes decorative plates in the workplace.

And it's quite obvious what all these style choices would lead to: An effective leader who gets things does and succeeds at furthering the interests of humanity, kindness, and freedom. In other words, everything us liberal nihilists hate. Something had to be done.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Why Atrios Isn't a Political Consultant

First off, I'd like say that I'm a HUGE fan of Atrios and if he ever reads this and feels inclined to add me to his blogroll, I would be eternally grateful.  But while I rarely disagree with anything he writes, I'm not sure why Atrios is so bugged about Obama's attempts at bipartisanship on the stimulus bill and think he's totally wrong with his advice for Republicans.

He writes:
If I were advising the Republicans I would've told them to vote against the stimulus package. I would tell them to make the point clearly that if they were in charge, the bill would be a different bill. They're a competing political party and they need to, you know, highlight the fact that their vision for America is actually different.

But no, he's wrong.  That was horrible advice and it looks like things played out exactly as the Obama team wanted them to.  Because he had to reach out to Republicans.  Even now, media dopes like Mark Halperin are insisting that Obama failed to fulfill his campaign promise of bipartisanship.  And had Obama obviously not reached out to Republicans, such criticisms would gain traction and dog him.  But as it is, Obama did exactly what he needed to do, and while he didn't get the perfect bill, this was the only choice he had.

My Advice to Republicans

And Republicans had it all wrong.  Because they got totally played.  What they needed to do was push for as much as they could get and then plug their noises while voting for it.  Not all of them needed to vote yes.  Or even a majority of them.  But they needed to show that they would do it, not because they liked it, but because something needed to be done and the Dems were willing to blackmail the nation if they didn't get their way.  And that by forcing the concessions they got, they made a bad bill mildly more acceptable.  If the economy improves, they could say it was due to their hardwork in getting those tax breaks and other concessions.  But if it doesn't improve, then they can't be blamed because they were bipartisanly supporting Obama's bill, which they didn't like.

And so they'd get to attack Obama and the stimulus bill, but without looking like the partisan a-holes they are.  Because many people don't accept that there are intractable differences between the parties.  They want to believe that politicians are big enough to reach agreement.  That's why Obama kept saying he'd do it; because people want to hear it.  And if Dems behaved the way many progressives wanted them to, then Republicans wouldn't be blamed for voting against it.  But...since Obama reached out to them so publicly and clearly bent over backwards to include them, they completely destroyed any pretense of being above partisanship.  

And it really should be pointed out that this totally was partisanship by the Republicans.  This wasn't due to ideological differences because Republicans have no ideology; as demonstrated by the fact that they betrayed so many of their "principles" once Bush became president.  It's all about power and they were attempting to hurt Obama by denying him their support.  But instead, they just hurt themselves.  

And so not only does their opposition to the stimulus look partisan, it was partisan.  This wasn't about policy differences.  This was about party politics.  And that's exactly how it looked.

Moving Forward

And unfortunately for them, there is no second chance at the first impression.  Sure, they can start accepting his olive branch in the future, but then it looks like they're buckling under.  No, they needed to accept Obama's gesture this time and then they can act aggrieved later.  They can pick fights over less popular bills.  They can say how Obama is strong-arming them on everything and being a jerk.  Whatever.  But they needed to get this one right, and they didn't.  They had one shot to show that they're not jerks and they couldn't even pull that off.  And now they're tarnished with it.

And from here on out, this is going to stick on them in every fight they have with Obama.  And they can either stay relevant by working with Obama, or they can continue to sideline themselves.  But in no way will the blame be put on Obama.  The blame is firmly on them until they decide to do something else.  And I completely believe that this was Obama's intent from the start.  He knew this showdown would happen, he knew the Republicans would be jerks about it, and rather than brawl with them and give them an excuse for their bad behavior, he played nice and let them sideline themselves.

And so, no, this was not a smart move.  Atrios is a great guy and I read Eschaton religiously, but when it comes to political maneuvering, I'll take Team Obama any day.  It is inconceivable that he didn't see this coming and I think things worked out quite nicely.  And there's always time for spending increases later. 

Nihilist of the Day

Just wanted to highlight my latest post at American Nihilist: 
Nihilist of the Day.

Here's an excerpt:
Once again, I am pleased to announce the latest Nihilist of the Day: Tim Burke, chairman of the Hamilton County Democratic Party for his ability to destroy all empirical evidence of the voter fraud we committed in Southwest Ohio, and thus help Nihilist hater Barack Obama in his triumph over the righteous and good John McCain.

Ohio, you will recall, is where we gave out booze and cigarettes in order to get people to illegally vote for Obama during the so-called "Golden Week," in which Ohioans are allowed to register and vote at the same time. And this netted us a cool six hundred extra votes in a county that cast over four hundred thousand votes. Clearly this was money well spent. Especially when one considers that Obama only carried Ohio by a mere quarter of a million votes. The extra 0.23% was totally worth the potential jail time we risked facing.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Carnival of the Liberals #83: Obacalypse Edition

It's time for the next installment of the Carnival of the Liberals and guess what folks, in honor of the hijacking of America's future by the blasphemer Barack "Hussein" Obama, this carnival is being hosted by yours truly, Doctor Snedley; the physical manifestation of your worst liberal nightmares.  

But don't worry, if I say anything to hurt your widdle feelings, I'm sure the Sympathizer-in-Chief would be happy to comfort you; assuming he's not busy playing footsies with the Mullahs or begging Hillary to bail him out of the latest international blunder he walked right into.  If only Cheney had run for president...

The Bush Sux Meme

And so we begin the carnival with a theme all liberals enjoy: The Quest to Destroy Bush.  And sure, we've heard it all before: He didn't read liberal rags, he didn't predict the unpredictable, he had the temerity to fight back against Islamofascism, he didn't talk so good, he let a city drown, yadda, yadda.  We get it already.  You don't like the guy.  So what?  We hate your guy, but you don't see us calling him names or allowing partisan hatred to blind us from saving the world.  All our criticisms are true.

And so even now after your guy "won," you just can't let things go.  It's bad enough that you failed miserably at undermining the Greatest President of Our Generation, but you've now realized that there is only one possible way to tarnish Bush's crushing success: Historical Revisionism.  

And with that, I present to you the We Can't Quit Bush posts:

First up is the appropriately named Vagabond Scholar, with a post of Hall of Fame Material; in which Vagabond attempts to downgrade Bush's awesome record by comparing him to a disgraced professional sports team.  Sorry Vag, but I'm just not getting it.  Sports aren't politics.  It's that simple.  And no, calling it an "analogy" doesn't make it better.

Next we have Atheist Revolution insisting that We Must Hold Bush Accountable.  Huh?  Bush was "accountable" for running the free world for eight full years.  And if he hadn't done such a great job at it, we wouldn't see freaks like Atheist attempting to smear Bush's awe-inspiring reputation with these sort of tirades.  Besides, what's this "We" stuff all about?  Will you fascists never tire of speaking for the rest of us?

Next up is an Open Letter to President Bush from some dude named US Common Sense.  And yeah, like President Bush is going to waste the first vacation he's had in over eight years by reading some "open" letter a blogger wrote to him.  Dream on, Common Sense.  You'd have been better off dropping it in the mail to his ranch down in Crawford, where he'll be relaxing to some good ol' brush clearing; like all us real Texans do.  I can't wait to get my invite!

And as if that wasn't enough, we've got Larry Niven of the Rust Belt Philosophy saying Truth is also less strange than fiction, but nobody likes to talk about that - here's why (Looks like somebody needs to take Headline Writing 101).  And this is yet more of the same Bush revisionism drivel that seems to be required writing by all liberal bloggers; on assignment from George Soros, no doubt.  And yeah, Bush is an idiot, Bush is a murderer, more of that same drivel.  And not one reference to Bush's über-brave pitch at the 2001 World Series.  Must you people always ignore his successes?

And rounding out the We Can't Quit Bush section is Mad Kane, who uses some sort of rhyming letter gimmick to give An Alpha-Political Farewell to Bush and Cheney.  In it, you'll learn that Bush and Cheney "destroyed" the economy (as if!), Lieberman is a "traitor man" (only to libs!), and that the terrorists have now won (I agree!).  Now maybe that The Savior has "won," Kane can stop being so mad and get a real job.

And that's it.  It's time to move on, libs.  Stop living in the past.  Let it go.  Bush is the most successful president in world history and your best efforts at tarnishing his perfect record have failed.  Now it's your turn to fend off the rabid dogs of partisanship while we get busy on our corrections at Rushmore.

Non-Bush Stuff

And here's a funny one: It's a lib complaining about conspiracy theories.  That's right, a liberal.  We've got Greta Christina's Conspiracies and Unshakeable Faith: What Would Convince You That You Were Wrong? Part 2.  And dammit, wouldn't ya know.  I missed part one.  Dick Cheney deleted it from my harddrive when he was plotting 9/11, no doubt.  Or perhaps Rove did it as he "outed" CIA desk jockey Valerie Plame.  Will you people never learn?  If the government doesn't agree that it happened, it didn't happen.  Assuming it's a Republican government, anyway.  

And to get your liberal bloodlust flowing, here's one celebrating the triumph of death over life by Ames at Submitted to a Candid World, titled Roe at Thirty-Six: the Accountability of Judicial Review, and Dispelling Gary Bauer’s Myths.  In it Ames attempts to refute Gary Bauer's utterly irrefutable point that Roe v. Wade was judicial activism at its worst and has absolutely zero basis in the Constitution.  And to debunk this, Ames uses lots of words that I couldn't care less about.  After all, Jesus doesn't like baby death: Case closed.  

And to finish the Non-Bush section, we've got the latest marching orders on how to promote the Gay Agenda to the detriment of American values and God's protective aura.  It's Equal Marriage Now's Talking Points - Gay Rights and Civil Rights.  Komrade Kos will quiz you on them momentarily.  Anyone missing a question will lose their weekly tofu ration.  Be prepared!

Lord Obama Tribute

And how could we mark the end of COTL's Obacalypse Edition without a few paeans to The One.  Sure, clinical tests have proven conclusively that his Holiness is, in fact, mortal, but I suppose if having a living embodiment of Baal is necessary to fill the void in your soul where God belongs; so be it.  It's good to see you nihilists finally believe in something.

And so we'll start off with Hoyden About Town's Invocation and Benediction: Call and Response?  And I'll just give away the big surprise: She liked the liberal's benediction better than the moderate's invocation.  Who'd have guessed.  It's like you people want God to hate you.  Sheesh!  (And as a personal aside, here's Doctor Biobrain's nihilist invocation.)

Our second tribute to Obama is a bit odd, as I already picked one of this dude's posts and didn't realize I picked two, but screw it.  We've got Ames from Submitted to a Candid World again with Obama’s Political Dynamic & the Shape of Things to Come.  And Ames rambles on about how he's a diehard Obama sycophant who will pretend to not act like a sycophant, but will end up doing so anyway because Obama's so perfect and great.  You have to read between the lines, but that's the gist of it.  I'm sure this ethical quandary will be over in!

And as a final display of love and devotion to the Great and Powerful O, we've got TWO, count 'em TWO posts about Obama looking like food; because one post just wasn't enough.  I've posted two of the pics here, but you should check out the full spread.  Here's All My Faves' Inauguration Party 2009! and In Your Face Chicago's Cake we can believe in: Odd and awesome Obama cakes. Geez people, you know you've got a cult of personality when you're actually eating your leader.

And that's it, folks.  A crapfest of liberal love and conformist claptrap, ensuring that you never have to think for yourselves or have your opinions challenged in any way.  Enjoy it while it lasts, libtards.  It won't be too much longer until Obama's Islamonazi buddies overrun our borders, rip off your heads, and infest your daughters with their Sharia Law rape babies.  And I'll be laughing my ass off the whole time watching it happen.  Don't say you weren't warned!

Obama the Simpleton

Within recent memory, Barack Obama pulled off the political coup of the century by not only out-maneuvering a field of far more experienced Democrats, but also out-maneuvering the Clintons; a feat that even Republicans at their peak power could rarely do.  And while I have my doubts that McCain was meant to win, the GOP smear machine went full blast to discredit Obama and start him off as a crippled president.  Yet Obama went toe-to-toe with them and came out smelling better than ever.  Even many Republicans like him now.  And he did it with a style and finesse that most people thought impossible.  

And so the question is: Why do so many liberals imagine that Obama is some sort of naive simpleton who thinks Republicans are his friends?  Obama has proven himself to be a political mastermind, yet these people insist upon lecturing Obama about how wrong he is for trusting these guys.  I find that utterly mind-boggling.  Which Barack Obama were they watching last year?  Seriously, the man totally out-skunked everyone in ways that these very same liberals said couldn't work, and proved that you could fight Republicans without getting bloody.

And so, what, do they think he just stumbled into this?  He lucked his way past the Clintons?  Could they truly believe that his blackness was such an over-riding factor that his complete lack of political skills wasn't a big deterrent?  He beat the fucking Clintons!  The Clintons!  And not due to any sort of inside fix or blunder on their part.  He just completely out-maneuvered them from the start and made almost no mistakes along the way.  No front-runner stumbles or egregious rookie faux pas.  And he came out of each of these battles looking better than ever.

Nice Guys Finish First

So how is it that these people imagine that Obama needs their advice about the wicked Republicans?  I mean, even if Obama was asleep throughout the 90's and 00's, he'd still remember how they treated him, right?  And I think there are two answers for this: The Nice Guy Fallacy and their own naiveté.

And the problem many people have with Obama is that he's part of a new wave of pragmatic nice guys, or selfish niceness.  Because it pays to be nice.  Not only is it good karma, but you get further in life if you treat others well and do the right thing.  And the only problem with it is when bullies assume you're an easy mark and try to take advantage of you.  But that's where the pragmatism comes in.  Because Obama doesn't have to be nice.  It's a choice.  And if necessary, he can play rough, too.  And it's easier for him, because the bullies rarely expect it from such a nice guy, so he can thump them upside the head and move back to being nice before they even know what hit them.

And I suspect that a lot of Obama's progressive critics just don't understand that.  And the reason for that is that, well, these people really aren't into the concept of guile.  They wear their hearts, brains, and plans on their sleeves, and lack the ability to strategize beyond "I'm going to keep pushing straight ahead until I get what I want."  And they just don't understand why that might not be the best strategy, or why it often seems to backfire.  It's not that they're dumb, but merely that the part of their brain that handles deception is underdeveloped.  They're just sooooo fucking sincere.  And yes, I fit into the Pragmatic Nice Guy category.

That's also why they're such easy prey for online trolls.  These guileless progressives truly want the trolls to be sincere, because it sets-up such a straight-forward dynamic for them.  And even when you explain to them that they're debating a fake or parody, they often still insist on debating on the off-chance that it's real.  

The Kumbaya President

And so they hear Obama talking about being bipartisan and nice, and all they can imagine is that he really means it.  Ergo, he hasn't been paying attention and must be naive.  And that ties into the second problem: They really don't understand strategy or why it's necessary.  For them, politics is the thing that gets in the way of good policy; especially now that we control the Whitehouse and Congress.  They just don't see the need for political positioning.

But of course, they're wrong.  Not only is positioning necessary for beating Republicans, it's a requirement of democracy.  Because as I said yesterday, democracy isn't another term for "short-term dictatorship" and victory doesn't give you the right to impose your policies upon the country; even if they're the right policies.  Democracy means giving voice to the people and if the people don't want a policy, you shouldn't give it to them; even if it's in their best interests.  
And so it's important to position yourself properly.  It's necessary to do a little kabuki to pass good policies.  And yes, it's necessary to listen to your political opponents, even if they're obstructionists who want to destroy you.  Not only is listening to the minority a requirement of democracy, but it's also good politics.  Sure, Republicans won't support Obama's stimulus bill.  But by listening to their demands and making some concessions, we have denied them an effective platform from which to oppose it.  They can bitch, but fewer will listen.

And the best part about it is that it makes Obama look like an effective leader who made a legitimate attempt to reach out to his opponents.  And that's just a continuation of the pragmatic nice guy politics that helped give him the sweeping victory that his progressive critics didn't think possible.  People don't just want good policies.  They want good vibes.  It looks like Obama's got a good shot at getting us both.

How to Avoid Demonization and Influence People

One of the more annoying aspects of people who proudly reside on the more fringe areas of our political spectrum is their penchant for insisting that everything is an either/or situation.  Either Republicans win or Democrats win.  Either Republicans attack or they don't attack.  Either we punch Republicans in the face (rhetorically speaking) or they're punching us in the gut (metaphorically).

And the problem is that there's no nuance at all.  But even worse, there's no real ability to strategize.  Their only solution is to plow right ahead with the most obvious course of action, believing that nuance will only encourage the enemy, as it is considered an obvious sign of weakness and compromise.  To act as if you're not about to punch your opponent in the face at any given moment (physically), is to bend over and wait for them to slide a hot one in you (figuratively, I hope).  We must act like Dick Cheney if we want any hope to avoid being his slave.

And this is a really really really dumb attitude to take.  Because it implicitly disallows any sort maneuvering room or reason to plan.  And it also just encourages the other side and helps rally them together.  And so liberals are told to take the boldest, strongest stance possible.  Conservatives see this boldness and immediately use it to justify their boldest, strongest stance.  And both sides use the increasingly heated rhetoric as the cause célèbre for increasing their own heated rhetoric. 

And then we're stuck in a mindless game of chicken which has no winner as neither side will back down.  Both sides insist that to do so would give the other side a huge opening.  And diehards on both sides say "See, I told you they hate us.  We must fight them forever."  And so nothing gets done and we achieve nothing; which only further fuels their belief that they must fight forever.  Needless to say, I prefer a different course of action.

No Point in Listening

And we're seeing that right now with the debate over the stimulus bill.  Obama reached out to Republicans, gave in to many of their demands, removed a mildly controversial provision for funding contraceptives; yet still Republicans oppose it.  And so the fringier elements on our side are now proclaiming defeat and saying things like:
the R's are basically saying 'fuck you', he should turn round and say the same.  No point in listening to the cretins on the other side of the aisle. They're devoid of content.
But that's entirely the wrong way of looking at what happened.  And if you read the messageboard on the link above, you could find all kinds of smart stuff I wrote on the subject, but one of the more important points is on the nature of democracy.  Because these liberals are now making the exact same arguments the Republicans did, which was essentially "We won bitches!  Now we get to do things our way."

But that's not what democracy is about.  Democracy isn't the tyranny of the majority.  Nor is it a dictatorship with term-limits.  The point of democracy is to give citizens an ownership stake in their government, and by allowing them input into how the government works, it empowers them and gives them an interest in making it work.  But...if you treat each election like a short-term dictatorship that allows you to ignore the wishes of the minority, you've just destroyed the entire purpose of democracy.  

Democracy isn't about selecting the right leaders or picking the right policies.  It's about giving a voice to the people.  But that just doesn't work if you plan to ignore the 49% that didn't vote for you.  Again, it was the Republican model to pretend like presidential democracy only happens every four years, and see how that worked out for them.  (Hint: It didn't.)

Fighting for Their Right to Fight

And the more salient point is that Republican leaders would much rather see Obama follow the advice of our hardline progressives.  They don't want their demands met.  They want to be ignored.  And they want the views of their supporters to be ignored.  Because Republicans don't give a damn about stimulus, or contraceptives, or any of this stuff.  They just want a fight.  It's all they understand.  They need a demon.  That's how they gain power, and power is all they're really interested in.  They're not ideologues and would vote for America to be a commie dictatorship; just as long they got to be the dictator.

They're floating aimlessly right now and the best thing for Obama to do for them is to give them some issue to rally the troops with.  And the worst thing for Republicans is if Obama is seen reaching out to them, listening to their demands, including their input, and removing the more controversial elements.  And that will work for us the same reason why democracy works, and if they still choose to vote against a bill they helped craft, then they sidelined themselves and look like idiots.  

Obama needed to give them the first punch, as well as to learn what would satisfy their firmer demands.  And now that he's got that, he looks like the good guy while they look like irrelevant schmucks.  They've got no one to blame but themselves.

Democracy Rules

And of course, this is the same strategy we need to use to fight Muslim terrorism.  Muslim terrorists also want a fight and a demon, so they can convince the majority of Muslims, who are non-extremist, why they need to become extremist.  And that's why they loved Bush and fear Obama: Because Obama will listen to the non-extremists and treat them fairly, while Bush would blow up their homes and invade their countries.

And this is all the same thing.  Conservatives want to stir up hate against Muslims for the same reason Muslim extremists want to stir up hate against Americans.  And far-left progressives want to stir up hate against Republicans for the same reason why far-right reactionaries want to stir up hate against Democrats.  It's all the same thing, being done for the same reason.  They don't exist without a common enemy.  And if they can't win their way, they'd rather not win.  

It's obvious that many of these progressives don't really want a stimulus bill unless it contains a little payback.  And the smartest thing we can do is to ignore these people and focus on the people who want solutions.  While democracy demands that even the side in the minority be heard, that doesn't apply to these jerks who only want to fight.  Sure, we'll hear them out and satisfy their firmer demands.  But once it becomes obvious that their full demands are poison pills intended to poison the well, it's time to thank them for their time and move on.  

They will never be satisfied because they live to be dissatisfied.  I suspect that many of these people will have found things more fun with Bush in the Whitehouse.  Perhaps that's why they opposed Obama from the beginning.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Nihilist of the Day

Just wanted to mention my latest post at the American Nihilist, in which I nominate Governor Rod Blagojevich for Nihilist of the Day.

Here's an excerpt:
At the risk of stepping on Deranged Leftwing Baker's toes by stealing the Nihilist of the Day gig (and hey, who said nihilists are limited to one a day), I'd like to nominate Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich as the Nihilist of the Day for having greatly advanced the field of reality-denialism and postmodern obfuscation.
While a lesser man might have simply accepted the fact that they were totally busted and resigned in disgrace, Governor Blagojevich continues to spin onwards, entirely oblivious to the hopelessness of his situation.  And by doing so, nihilists everywhere rejoice knowing that he will surely prevail and change the reality that surrounds him; thanks entirely to his tireless egotism and unswerving hubris, which is an inspiration to us all.

I Don't Believe That People Should Be Able To Be This Stupid

Conservatives, they mean well, but they just can't quite get used to the idea of logical consistency.  And so I'm visiting RedState to find some imbecilic ramblings to mock and hit the jackpot on the first post I see: Josh Painter's "I Don't Believe That People Should Be Able To Own Guns".

Now, before I get started, let me just explain the origin of his post's title.  It comes from John R. Lott, a pro-gun nut with serious credibility issues, who claimed that Barack Obama said it to him in the mid-90's.  That's right, Lott's memory is so good that he can give an exact quote of an off-hand remark a small-time politician told him over ten years ago.  And this one quote is so telling that it becomes the strongest proof of Obama's intent to take away our guns, even though it's decade-old hearsay from a biased source.  Yes, it's that kind of post.

And what is Painter's point?  That the Whitehouse website says "The Second Amendment gives citizens the right to bear arms.”  And while you or I might think that to be a fairly uncontroversial statement, Painter proceeds to write a 700-word essay about the Constitution, in order to demonstrate that the Bill of Rights wasn't "given" to us by the government or the Constitution, but by God.  

That's right.  A whole lotta faux constitutional scholarship and fear-mongering, due to the word "gives," which was most likely written by a low-level staffer on Obama's transition team.  Yes, it's that kind of post.

Rights From Nature

As Painter explains:
The Bill of Rights is not a list of government-given rights. These rights belonged to the people before there was a federal government. A clue to where those rights come from is given in the Declaration of Independence. We get the rights from “Nature and Nature’s God.”
And it's bad enough that Painter gets into such a rabid state over that one word, but it's quite obvious that the grand principles he's staking his claim to are a big pile of dooky.  Because I'm quite positive that he'd be voted off of the RedState island were he to ever apply his theory to any other part of the Bill of Rights.  

For example, if these rights are given to us by God, rather than the government, then they apply to everyone; not just US citizens.  Because they'd supersede the government.  And that would kind of rule out the idea of sticking enemy combatants in Gitmo for eternity.  Our government would have to treat everyone the same, regardless of their citizenship.  Similarly, that would totally rule out the idea that the President could ever suspend any other rights in the Constitution.  

And there's no way a RedStater would agree with any of that.  Again, trying to make these points at RedState would get you banned after the second comment, no questions asked.  Trust me, I saw that happen just recently to a guy who actually suggested that terrorists be given the right to defend themselves in court.  The fiend was able to write three posts before he got "blam'd" by Moe Lane (you'll have to read the comments on my post to see that part).

Man-Made Laws

Beyond that, we know that the Constitution isn't a list of rights bestowed upon us by God, because we can change the damn thing.  We can add amendments and, more importantly, repeal them.  And that includes the 2nd Amendment.  And that implicitly means that these are man's rules; not God's.  If Obama could muster the votes, he could repeal the 2nd Amendment.  Hence, it's a man-made law, no matter what conservatives want to believe.

The reality is that the Constitution represents an agreement between us and the government.  The government is given certain powers and agrees to certain limitations.  And as long as both sides do their part, everything's kosher and we've got a working government.  Otherwise, all bets are off and it's every man for himself.  And Painter's god has nothing to do with it.  Nor does the original intent of the Founding Fathers, even if that was their intent.  It's our constitution now and we get to do any god damn thing we want with it, as long as we do so within the rules; which involve getting lots of people to agree to change the agreement.

But of course, I'm sure Painter would agree with that, were we talking about any other amendment.  Conservatives never tire of telling us that the Constitution isn't a death pact and the president gets to break the damn thing if he thinks he needs to.  And while that's much further into the realm of interpretation than most liberals would agree with, it clearly puts them on the side of thinking the Constitution is man-made.  After all, a perfect god could never give us an imperfect constitution that needed to be broken.

Willy Nilly Principles

And so the only real problem is with the 2nd Amendment; ie, the only amendment conservatives really like.  When talking about it, conservatives can wax eloquently of the need to preserve this god-given law forever.  The other amendments, well, not so much.  And so Painter's grand principle underlying the importance of the 2nd Amendment is entirely fraudulent and stupid.  He doesn't mean a damn word of it and it was essentially moral relativism: The 2nd Amendment is more important than the other amendments.  And sorry, but that's just not how the thing works.

But conservatives are always like this.  For as much as they pretend to have firm beliefs grounded in principles and history, the reality is that they're just making this shit up as they go along.  But they try, dammit.  They try.  They want to believe in higher principles.  They want to believe that there is some sort of guiding theory that explains their random thoughts and beliefs.  But it just doesn't work out for them that way.  Because they don't believe in the Rule of Law.  They can't find any sort of overall framework for their helter skelter beliefs.  There is no rhyme to their reason.  Everything is done on a case-by-case basis and even the 2nd Amendment can be violated if the wrong person has the gun.  

And ultimately, if conservatives were to attempt to form a set of rules that could be universally applied based upon firm principles and unbreakable discipline, they wouldn't be conservatives.  Being conservative only makes sense if you're the one who makes the rules and decides how they're applied.  Otherwise, it's just better to do things our way.

Disclaimer: I would like to state for the record that I do not think that all pro-gun people are nuts.  I was merely referring to Lott as a nut because he is one.  All others are nuts on a case-by-case basis.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Habeas Corpus For Everyone!!

Just wanted to point to my latest post at American Nihilist (and yes, it does seem odd that I'm writing more posts there than I am here, but deal with it.) 

It appears the implications of our theft of the 2008 elections are just starting to sink in for the moral absolutists on the right. Here’s a post from Mark Impomeni of RedState:
Six Years Ago Today…Daniel Pearl was kidnapped, later to be brutally beheaded by his captors with the video proudly posted on the Internet for the world to see.

The terrorists who committed this act, were they to be captured today under the Obama Administration’s policies, would be brought to the mainland United States for trial in civilian courts, be granted the rights of habeas corpus and the right to remain silent, could not be subjected to any coercive interrogation practices, and would have the right to see all evidence against them, as well as cross examine their accusers.
And he’s absolutely correct. Had a nihilist like Obama been in charge when we captured Pearl’s killers, he would surely have used his morally relative judgment to grant these special rights to those who clearly didn’t deserve them.  Rather than using a different set of rules based upon the motive of the attackers, we would have used our postmodern standards to grant them the same rules that all murderers get.  In essence, we would have lumped all beheaders into one category, rather than separating the good ones from the bad.

While our Founding Fathers had clearly intended to grant special rules like habeas corpus and not being tortured to us lucky ducky citizens; we’ve taken all that and turned it on its head by insisting that everyone be given the same inalienable rights. Bwa ha ha!  Nihilists strike yet another blow for equality!!

Deep Thought

I can't wait until Obama finally announces his plans to destroy Social Security, invade Iran, and officially merge both political parties into the Republicrats, just so the people saying these things won't sound so fucking stupid anymore.

Ahh, who am I kidding? These people will always sound stupid.

Battlestar Nihilist

Just wanted to point folks to my latest rantings over at the American Nihilist:Battlestar Nihilist

Here's the beginning:
It was 1978 and a man had a unique vision and inspiration: To create the Star Wars of television. So he took the concept of Wagon Train (previously used by Star Trek), gave it the depth and seriousness of a Saturday morning cartoon, and then embroiled it with the glitz and glamour of a shiny plastic discotheque; and thus was born Battlestar Galactica (aka, Wagon Train to the Stars II).

And sure, some may have dismissed Galactica as cheap crapola; silly kids stuff meant to cash-in on a far superior product. But us American Nihilists knew better. We knew that beneath the fluffy veneer of Galactica’s embarrassingly lame appearance lurked the heart of an ethical code that would have spelled certain doom to the nihilist way of life. With their moral certitude, sense of purpose, and easily identifiable bad guys, Battlestar Galactica was sure to strengthen America’s receding moral boundaries and instill a sense of duty in its citizenery.
Read More

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

2009 Inaugural of Barack H. Obama: Nihilist Invocation

Invocation Delivered by Doctor Biobrain, American Nihilist

Humanists, sensualists, and other nihilistic relativists, we rejoice in your splendid sense of self-greatness and your ability to control your own destiny by taking what you want from life and spitting on everyone else. We are grateful for your endless moral relativism, undying duty to oneself, and soul-crushing multiculturalism. And we take pride in your ability to spit on the American flag and everything that it stands for. You are truly the only people worth any merit and I honor you for your lack of moral character and abject depravity.

But we shan't forget to pray for those who are different from us. Those who have a sense of righteousness and moral duty which allows them to screw with our heads and shame us into altruism. Those who strive to deny us the right to murder all of the unborn and object to our efforts to euthanize the old and thus protect us from witnessing our own mortality. And those who desire to instill a sense of pride in our nation or grant the curse of democracy on our comrades around the globe. These people are truly our enemies and their value system must be destroyed.

Forgive them, o humanists, for they were unswayed by the postmodern drubbing our professors subjected them to in our institutes of higher indoctrination; and thus they remain hard of heart and tenacious in their sense of right and wrong. The glories of the Culture of Death eludes them still. May we pray to ourselves that we finally break through their accursed moral teachings and at last embrace our message of selfishness, sin, and greed. This is our purpose in life and we must not allow them a moment of respite. And it is our duty to ensure that not one movie, show, or song be created without strong doses of sex, drugs, and violence; which will surely weaken their spirits and imperil their souls.

Today, we are especially grateful that our efforts at election fraud have come to fruition after many decades of painstaking work, as well as through the subjugation of America's minorities by keeping them downtrodden and in our party's plantation. And we take pride that we were finally able to impose upon this once great nation a morally ambiguous Muslim Islamofascist who will at last install Sharia Law on the land; thus fulfilling Nietzsche's ultimate goal of destroying Christianity forever and the power that their one true god holds over us. No longer will Yahweh be permitted to tyrannize our deplorable nation, as our Founding Fathers had once demanded; nor will our country's Constitution continue to burden us with its rigid framework and bible-based obligations. Hence forth, we get to make this shit up as we go along and we will not be using permanent ink.

This is a new age that has come upon us and we have no one to thank for this but ourselves. So let us go forth upon the land and multiply in heaps of great orgies, and let no man, woman, animal, or plant go unmolested in our quest to satisfy our unquenchable hunger for perversions and malfeasance. This land is our land. Take what you can grab and screw everyone else. That's what this election has always been about and our day is now.

Do this, in the name of yourself. Amen.

The American Nihilist Manifesto

Over at the newly formed American Nihilist blog, I have completed what I believe to be a rousing call-to-arms for American Nihilists everywhere, which I deem worthy of the label The American Nihilist Manifesto.  As a reminder, the posts I write at the American Nihilist represent my true attitude towards objective truth, empiricism, and our nation; so don't be surprised to see a different, darker, more radical side to Doctor Biobrain.  But I promise you that I'll retain my optimistic, pro-America facade while writing at this blog.

Here's the beginning of the manifesto, you can read the rest there:

Fellow American Nihilists, having deployed much epistemic relativism and ignominious spin-doctoring, we have finally made it through the incredibly perilous threat of potential American awesomeness known as the Bush Administration, and it looks like our nihilist infiltrators in the media and netroots were successful in convincing the vast majority of Americans that the awesome country they live in totally sucks eggs.

And even better, they are now blaming this imagined suckiness on that tenacious manly man who we all fear, President George W. Bush. Our postmodern vision of a world gone mad has sunk in at last, making all the economic prosperity and patriotic euphoria that surrounds us appear to be stupid and lame. And for that, you are all to be commended.

But yet, it appears our work is far from complete. No, there are still a few courageous hold-outs who have proven themselves capable of withstanding all of the relativist revisionism we've thrown at them and can still recall how awesome and successful President Bush truly has been. And leading the charge is none other than the master of pre-modernism himself, our arch-nemesis and eternal foil, Associate Professor Donald Douglas and his fearsome gang of do-gooders at PJ Media.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Obama and Empire

Carpetbagger has a post about loony Chavez and his belief that Obama has "the same stench" as Bush, and that, even if Obama would want to end our ambitions for Empire, the Powers That Be would assassinate him if he tried.  And for as crazy as that sounds, too many liberal commenters there seem to be in agreement with that, arguing that there isn't even anything controversial about what Chavez said.  That Obama is a puppet to these unnamed powers is beyond doubt.

But I have seriously doubts about this.  Because, first off, the very idea of "Empire" is just stupid.  It's akin to Dr. Evil in Austin Powers demanding "one million dollars" as extortion for not carrying out his evil plans.  While he was in deep freeze, his organization became far more powerful by going legit and becoming an international conglomerate.  And so the idea of him using "evil" to gain power was a joke and he was just a relic of a time long since gone.  Rather than increasing his power, his evil plans only hurt his organization.

And in that vein, what's the point of "Empire" exactly?  Whose empire?  And what is "American might" to Exxon or Halliburton or Yum! Brands?  McDonald's isn't winning one for the team when they set up in Russia.  Disney isn't in Vietnam so that America can expand their empire.  These are international companies that are in it for the money.  They're not establishing Empire.  They're going where the dough is and have about as much loyalty to America as they do to good taste.  So what empire could we possibly be establishing?

Powerful Bozos and Their Dinosaur Lackeys

And sure, there are people who have Empire on the brain.  But these dopes are relics of the past and, if anything, are merely being used by the international powerbrokers.  These jerks are mental midgets who somehow imagine that the world is their Risk board and if they roll the dice right, they'll finally conquer Asia.  Because we've seen repeatedly that their old school strong-arm tactics always backfire, and that you get much better results with honey than with vinegar.  

Visions of Empire might inspire these romantic dinosaurs, but their methods rarely worked in the 20th century and only become more counter-productive every year.  And for as much as America was able to establish it's international supremacy after WWII, it was usually in spite of our military might; not because of it.  It was freedom that won the cold war, strongly aided by a corrupt and crumbling Soviet system; not our military.  And while the Cold Warriors fought vigorously for stalemate; the Power of Greed swallowed opponents unabated, now allowing Disney to establish footholds in countries that our armies never could.

And as much as these real world Dr. Evils have power, it's only the power that the real powerbrokers give them; and it's not for Empire.  It's for tax cuts.  For monopoly.  And no-bid contracts.  And easy money.  And no oversight.  And for ripping people off.  But there's no Empire on the horizon.  It's all just a Get Rich Quick scheme by people with power who realize that bozos like Cheney are the way of getting more.

Short-Term Power Players

And even then, the powerbrokers are hardly the evil masterminds they're portrayed to be.  Rather, they're short-term thinkers whose top concern is meeting their quarterly sales projections and increasing the value of their stock options.  Clever morons who imagine they've discovered the New Gold because they could make billions repackaging crap loans and leveraging them endlessly.  And were it not for the idiot dinosaurs in the GOP with their childish dreams of Empire, these powerbrokers would be dead broke and on the streets.  

Their empire is crumbling around them and their only solution is to have their friends in Washington bail them out.  That's what they pay the big bucks for, to make sure they can buy immunity from the free-markets that would crush them in a fair fight.  Warren Buffet is considered a financial genius merely because he knows how to apply his money towards long-term goals.  The rest of these bozos are just following the herd and cheating when they can.  And again, were it not for their lackeys in Congress, these dummies could never have gotten away with what they did.  That's what they're buying; not Empire.

And so who are these all-powerful shadow figures who will assassinate Obama if he doesn't create more enemies for us to hate?  I honestly can't imagine.  Particularly as the only folks who require us to have an enemy are Republicans, and they do that to win elections; not to establish Empire.  Because establishing enemies doesn't help us build Empire at all, but rather the opposite.  It holds us back and makes more countries hate us.  The very tools used to establish Empire are what prevent it from happening.

And even worse towards this conspiracy theory, this hurts the international conglomerates with the real power.  Having more enemies hurts sales for KFC and Starbucks.  Demonizing Iran and Chavez might help rally the Republican base, but it's not doing these companies any favors.  And so for Obama to continue with our supposed plans for Empire would not only hurt him politically, but also hurt our business interests.  

The only business interests aided by war are the weapons people and oil companies, and they do so to the detriment of all our other businesses.  But that's not Empire they want.  Just conflict.  And those aren't the same things.  But even these companies are fading dinosaurs who would become powerless if Obama makes the smart choices.  Don't underestimate the power of Yum!

The Super Kewl Liberals

And so what is with the liberal belief in our aspirations for Empire?  I believe it comes from these people wanting to be too cool for politics.  They're far too savvy and cynical to ever imagine that Obama could change anything.  They're in the know.  They've got the inside scoop.  And if you don't see how the Empire people are keeping us all down and controlling everything, well then you're just a naive goof who isn't paying attention. 

And that's what it's all about.  It's about having a shadowy foe keeping us down.  It's about having an excuse to abstain from day-to-day politics or believing that we can make a difference.  And it's about being In The Know.  These people read a book or two that confirms their worst suspicions, and now they're smarter than everyone else.  And in that regards, they're really no different from the Republican enemy-mongers.  These people require a common foe to keep them together.  And they refuse to allow Obama's victory to dampen their animosity, any more than Republicans will allow Obama's nice guy overtures dampen theirs.  Fear of Empire is Big Business for these people and they want to keep it that way.

Sure, all the pieces are right in front of us and point to a contrary explanation, as the idiocy of our elite bankers is exposed and dopes like Cheney show what impotent imbeciles they really were.  And international conglomerates are proving that even the commies in China and Vietnam will eventually succumb to the siren song of the easy green; thereby negating the whole need of taking Empire the hard way.  But no, it's much easier to attribute everything to a shadowy cabal keeping us down than to admit that life is complex and none of the answers come easy.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Carnival of the Liberals #83 Submission Request: Inaugural Edition

Guest-Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain

Alrighty folks, the Eighty-Third Edition of the Carnival of the Liberals is coming up on January 28, and guess what: In honor of the liberal love of the so-called "Fairness Doctrine" that you commie freaks want to impose on freedom, this carnival has been handed over to me, Doctor Snedley; an America-Loving, Constitution-Protecting, Liberal-Hating conservative who understands the importance of setting partisan name-calling aside and putting our country first.  

That's right, folks.  You've been hoisted by your own petard.  Perhaps you'll think twice now about wanting to replace a beloved moderate like Rush Limbaugh with recordings of your fascist masters, Joe Stalin, Michael Moore, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Not that this is my first time to host your little carnival, having hosted Carnival #11 and Carnival #40; both of which are widely acknowledged as the best two carnivals in the entire series.  Even liberal media elitists like David Brooks and George Will have commended me at our weekly cocktail soirees for my fair-minded approach towards your extremist hatefest.

But don't worry, for this edition I decided to take a theme that is near and dear to your leftist hearts.  To mark the occasion when election fraud was finally able to officially spit on our Founding Fathers by electing a non-Christian jihadist of dubious citizenship, I have announced a choice of two themes for this carnival related to the inaugural transition.  

They are:

I Know Barack Obama Will Betray America Because...
I Was Wrong For Hating Bush Because...

Due to the obviously contrarian nature of you liberal radicals, I will accept submissions on any subject; but any submissions that fit either of these two themes will be automatically included.  In fact, any inaugural theme will get extra consideration, even if you use the occasion to heap praise on Dear Leader Obama.  I mean, any group of individuals who have so thoroughly devoted their lives towards the destruction of the very value system that allows them to survive clearly can't be expected to understand the importance of following the rules.  

But one rule we can't bend is the deadline.  The contest is January 28, and any submissions that don't get to me in time will just have to wait until the 84th edition.  So, submit early and often and with any luck, you'll be one of the lucky ten to be included in this epic carnival.  And as an added bonus, uber-leftist Alan Colmes has offered to help me cull through the muck, so you can see how fair & balanced my carnival will be.  If only you socialistic hate-mongers could be as non-ideological and polite as Snedley & Colmes, this country would be a much nicer place.

Compartmentalized Conservativism

In my last post, I mentioned Ken Blackwell's idiotic appeal to conservatives at Townhall, where he suggested that conservatives should oppose Obama's stimulus package because it'll create more federal workers, who will vote Democratic in Virginia.  

But for as crazy as that column was, the comments section largely ignored what he wrote and just used it as a platform from which to speak the crazy.  I suspect that Blackwell's point was such a no-brainer (in every sense of the word) that it really didn't even need to be made.  These freaks already rejected everything Obama will do, so there was little point in inventing yet another dumb reason to reject the stimulus plan.  It'd be like if I wrote a post at PETA's website on the need to oppose the creation of milkshakes made from kittens.

Because the crazies at Townhall are so far ahead of Blackwell in the crazy department that Blackwell appears quite rational in comparison.  He might have scored a few points for writing it, but he'll influence no one.  And so I wanted to highlight one of the crazy posts I saw there.

Cuba Sucks

Apropos of nothing, Renny in New Jersey writes about how crappy things are in Cuba, writing:
Where Cuba gets the lib. rep. for wonderful health and ed. is merely propaganda. There's no car on Cuba more recent than 1960. No infrastructure is kept up. Entire cities are disintegrating. Cuba has NO GNP.
The commies took an island with one of the richest ec.'s in the Americas and turned it into a desert with a starving population. In Cuba, you get a quart of milk a week, a loaf of bread a week, and two chickens a month. Young girls go to the docks to sell themselves for meals, to save their families from feeding them. Whadda a socialist paradise.
That's right.  Cuba's rep for having good health and education is propaganda because Cuba's economy sucks.  Yet nowhere does Renny mention the decades-long economic embargo of Cuba by the most powerful country in the world, which happens to be their closet trading partner.  No, it must be Cuba's economic policies creating their problems, and not the forty-seven year embargo we've had on them.  And does it need to be pointed out that girls in our own country also sell themselves for meals...and drugs...and shelter?  Or is that a separate issue?

And in case you were wondering about Renny's claim of Cuba having "NO GNP," yes, that was utterly stupid.  I'm not sure what the GNP is, but the GDP in 2007 was estimated to be $125.5 billion, or $11,000 per person.  And even this low number is likely to be caused primarily by our economic embargo.  And again, nobody mentioned Cuba except for this joker.

But this kind of thing is standard from conservatives.  Each issue is seen in a vacuum of it's own.  There can be no doubt that this guy is well aware of our economic embargo of Cuba and the effect it has on them.  And I'd be incredibly surprised if he doesn't fully support it for these very reasons.  But when talking about Cuba's economy, he pretends that their economic woes are entirely their own fault and show the flaws of their "socialist paradise".  And this economic incompetence spreads like a cancer to cast doubt on their ability to have decent health and education.  

Cuba v. United States

And of course, like most conservatives, he fails to appreciate the reason why anyone is focusing on Cuba's healthcare; which is that even a shithole like Cuba can have healthcare that is superior to a country that far outperforms it most other ways.  

Our GDP per person is over four times larger than Cuba's, and so the fact that they could even compete with us in any category speaks poorly of us.  But for propaganda-minded conservatives like Renny, to say anything nice about Cuba is to say that Cuba is superior to us at everything.  So if  you can show that Cuba sucks at some things, it means that Cuba sucks at everything.  And so he's set out to establish this, even if it requires temporarily forgetting why Cuba is like this.

He ends by writing "And EVERYONE in the US can get free treatment in any ER right NOW, as it is the law to treat for charity, which is why hospitals along the Southern border are going bankrupt caring for illegals.

And once again, this bozo surely knows that ER's aren't the place you go for real treatment, and he's probably aware that this is one of the crappier ways of filling the holes in our healthcare system; but once again, he only sees each issue in a vacuum.  It is possible to get medical treatment for free in an ER and so that's a perfect substitute for getting the treatment one needs.  And the fact that he gets to then complain about this sort of ER charity is the icing on the cake.

But the main point is that he can find some context by which Cuba sucks and America does provide "free" healthcare, and that's all he needs.  As long as there can be a way that he's right, it doesn't matter if he's actually wrong.  He'll hold on to his compartmentalized facts and imagine they're the only ones that count.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Conservative Rationality

Believe it or not, conservatives are more rational than they're generally given credit for.  Because, despite their seemingly idiotic nature regarding everything, there really is a method to their madness.  For example, their insistence on denying Global Warming, godless evolution, and the wisdom of Keynesian economics, while absolutely stupid in terms of policy or doing the "right" thing; it all makes perfect sense politically.

And that's our big problem with them: It's ALL politics for them.  That's all they really understand or what they're interested in.  Even their undying support for Bush was due entirely to political concerns.  They didn't truly believe he was the second coming of Jesus wrapped in the persona of Lincoln and Churchill.  They acted that way because they realized that it was best to tie their cart to his wagon, which would make him even more powerful and thus more likely to bring political success to them.  Sure, it all backfired, but it sure made sense for awhile.

Here's an example of that from Ken Blackwell, who's trying to be the head of the RNC, who actually argues that Republicans should oppose the economic rescue package because it will create 600,000 new government employees who will vote Democrat; and thus keep Virginia in the Dem column forever.  And not only is this bat-ass crazy, but it's even more ridiculous that he's actually making this argument publicly.  I had assumed at first that this was some secret memo that somebody released.  But no, he actually made this politics-first argument publicly at Townhall.  

And again, while his plan is dangerous for America and stupid to admit publicly, as it makes him look like a partisan turd without enough brains to come in out of the snow.'s the exact sort of things Republicans want to hear, and they're who he's trying to woo.  So in regards to his political goal of getting the job, this idiotic move scored him a few points.  And in fact, it's the exact sort of sneaky political ju-jitsu move that really appeals to Republicans, and so in that regards, it really might help him.  Particularly if Democrats make an issue of it, which will only increase the esteem Blackwell has with the Republican base.

Oddly, I had originally meant to focus on a different example, but saw the Blackwell post and decided to go with that.  And here's yet another Republican trying to win the RNC chairmanship by wooing the crazies by insisting that he'll be our "worst nightmare."  These people aren't even pretending to propose real solutions.  They just want to appeal to the base by showing how what they're doing to obstruct Democrats.  How pathetic.

Factless Economics

And if you read Blackwell's column, you'll see it's entirely devoid of facts.  Just a bunch of mindless assertions about how government can't create value, all evidence to the contrary.  But again, this sort of thing only helps him politically.  He's telling the rubes what they want to hear, and even if he knew he was wrong  (which I don't think he does), it'd be stupid of him to be truthful.  

But this is all part of the reason why Republicans are now doomed.  To have an honest policy debate which included facts and expert opinion would allow them to resurrect their tarnished reputations, but for what point?  Then they'd be Democrats, and the Republican base would reject them and there will always be another Republican to tell them what they want to hear.  But the imbecilic policies that are required to woo these voters will always undermine any politician who is forced to follow them, and thus we have the Bush Administration.  

Political concerns might help you win elections, but you'll still be expected to do things.  And that's where it all falls apart.  And now that Republicans were given the chance to prove their theories wrong in the real world, even their political arguments are undermined.  And so the only chance they've got are in elections where the conservative population is large enough to support the insane candidate; as even the independents are now rejecting them.  But of course, then they get stuck in a Crazier-Than-Thou pissing match, where only the craziest survive; and thus drag the party down further into the depths of insanity.  

And so it was the politics-first mentality that helped them rise to power, but which also is dragging them down.  It wasn't an irrational plan.  Merely short-sighted.  It'll still get you office in places like Alabama and Mississippi, as well as helping win the RNC chairmanship.  But it's basically been played out everywhere else.  The surprise isn't that this happened to them, but only that it took so long.

Friday, January 16, 2009

New Blog: American Nihilism

I just wanted to announce that after many intense negotiations and legal wranglings, I have now teamed-up with Repsac3 to begin guest blogging on the newly created American Nihilist, an anti-conservative blog written from the denialist, postmodern, post-racial nihilist perspective that all conservatives know is at the core of every liberal's thoughts.

And so I'll be able to at last shed the false charade of optimism and humanity that I hide behind at this blog and finally show my true colors as the America-hating, life-loathing, military-bashing, pie-crushing nihilist hippy bastard I've always been.  So check in often, it should be fun.  Or don't, I don't care.  I'm a nihilist and have moved beyond disgust.  I feel nothing.  I'm dead inside.  And I believe in nothing.  Like I said, fun stuff.

The Ticking Nutbag Scenario

At the risk of destroying my country music career and drawing the ire of my conservative fans, I will state right out that I am embarrassed that Senator John Cornyn is from my home state of Texas.  I always have been embarrassed and I can't imagine a situation where I could ever be proud of that ridiculous man.  It's like he's made it his mission to make my other Senator, Kay Bailey Hutchison, look respectable by comparison.

And so I see him attempting to trap our next Attorney General in one of the dumbest hypothetical questions and I can only shake my head deeper in disgrace.  I'm sorry, but The Ticking Time Bomb Scenario?  Really, Senator?  That's what we're paying you for?  My god, that's the kind of imbecilic fantasy hypothetical you'd expect to hear from a fifth grader, akin to asking if someone would rather be eaten by zombies or ground to death in a giant meat grinder.  (BTW, the answer to that is zombies, because zombies are cool.)  

And it was obvious that Holder was completely stunned that he was asked such an inane question.  And of course, he was right.  It's a dumb hypothetical; even worse than the Zombie v. Meat Grinder situation.  Because there can only be one right answer to Cornyn's hypothetical: If we knew that a terrorist could expose a terrorist plot that would kill thousands and we knew that torture was the only way to obtain that information, then yes, we'd torture the guy.  

That's the only possible answer and Cornyn knew it.  That's why he imagined it was such a great question.

Always Torture, Always

But that's the whole point of why we oppose torture: Because you can't "know" that a terrorist has information to expose.  And you can't trust what a torture victim may say.  And there are other alternatives to torture, including techniques that work far better than torture.  And so that hypothetical is so ridiculously stupid that Cornyn should be glad that Holder abstained from laughing his ass off when the question was asked.  I don't think I have as much restraint, which might explain why Obama went with Holder instead of me for Attorney General.

Besides, if this situation ever could exist, then the interrogator should just take it on his own to torture the guy and hope the jury would exonerate him.  There's no reason to make this our official policy, just in case an impossible situation ever actually happens.  Similarly, it might occur that a bank robbery is necessary to save lives, but that doesn't mean we should legalize robbery.  We shouldn't base our laws on very specific scenarios that have never happened.

Of course, this would be keeping with the conservative distrust of our legal system; preferring tort reform and mandatory sentences in order to obtain the "proper" court decisions.  Somehow, it's better for politicians to make sweeping changes that affect everyone rather than allow judges and juries to decide things on a case by case basis.  And in keeping with that, they believe it's better for our government to torture every suspected terrorist, just in case we might actually need to torture one of them some day.

Torture, Reality Style

And Cornyn's absurdities aside, if you legalize torture it will be used against innocent people who aren't withholding information.  And it will also be used on actual terrorists who don't have information to reveal.  And even if you're using it against a real terrorist with real information, you still can't trust a damn thing he says.  He might know of a plot to destroy the Empire State Building, and he'll tell you they're blowing up the Chrysler Building.  And if the bomb's set to go off on Wednesday, he'll tell you it'll be Friday.  That's the big problem: You just can't trust what torture will get you.

And then, of course, there's the contradiction these jerks always give, where they insist that torture isn't torture, but also believe that it's some all-powerful technique that can get hardened terrorists to betray their friends and even their god.  Waterboarding is just a low-grade frat prank when they insist it's not torture, but it's powerful enough to get a suicide bomber to confess to everything?  Huh??  This makes no sense.  Either it's a horrible technique that's very persuasive, or it's a harmless technique that gets lousy results.  

Or, as the case actually is, it's a horrible technique that gets lousy results.  Because again, even the true terrorist with the ticking time bomb can lie to you, and you won't know until after the bomb explodes.  And the more the guy has to hide, the more likely he'll hide it.  And beyond an actual ticking bomb, any evidence we get is tainted due to the nature of how it was extracted, and therefore inadmissible when it comes to actually punishing a terrorist for wrongdoing.  So torture is counter-productive and stupid.  Is it any wonder conservatives like it so much?

Blowing Your Mind

And beyond all that, it was a silly, juvenile question that had no business coming from an actual senator.  I mean, really.  It's nothing but a ridiculous trick question that's only effective if you drop it on someone who's never heard of it before and doesn't have time to think it through; much like Pascal's Wager.  But once you've heard the question and have had time to give it some thought, you quickly realize what a joke the whole thing is, describing an impossible situation with no relation to reality.

But conservatives still don't see that.  Because they don't want to give it any thought, and even if they did, thinking really isn't their strongsuit.  So they drop these abysmal questions on us and imagine themselves to be the cleverest people in the world.  Hell, even with Holder politely mocking Cornyn's stupidity, the Senator still imagined himself to be uber-clever for having "trapped" his prey.  And he imagined that Holder's inability to answer the question was because the truth of the scenario is so undeniable, rather than because Holder was astounded that such a stupid question was even asked during such an important event.

But so it is with conservatives.  They consistently believe that because they can say such stupid things that we become speechless, that this proves how deliciously clever they are.  And while you stand there, stammering, futilely trying to figure out where to even start unraveling their latest absurdity, they somehow imagine that they've achieved a brilliant coup.  They're like little kids who proudly display the "Playdoh" they found in the kitty litterbox, except these are important people playing dangerous games.  Fortunately, they were too incompetent to stay powerful; if only people had learned that sooner.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Crazies Running the Crazy House

Conservatives have always been ridiculous people and they only keep getting more ridiculous over time.  But this isn't a some coincidental defect that happens to be hitting them right now.  It's an inherent side effect of their political choices and it will only get worse.

And it basically works like this: A relationship can't stagnate.  Either it's growing or it's shrinking.  And to make it grow, you have to keep giving more and more of whatever it is that they need.  With any luck, the person/people you're in a relationship with are normal healthy people with normal healthy needs.  Conversely, you might be in love with a freak.  And if that's the case, you basically have two options: You either end the relationship or you're stuck getting freakier and freakier.

And basically, that's the position Republicans have found themselves in.  During the 90's, they cultivated an alternate reality that culminated in the embarrassing impeachment of President Clinton.  9/11 came along and basically freaked people out enough that the alternate reality could hide within the scary reality of the real one.  But that only encouraged them and they just doubled-down on the crazy train they'd been riding the whole time.  And now that conservatives have seen themselves rejected in two successive elections, all they can do is burrow further into the crazy and hope they can convince a majority of Americans to follow them.  

And they've had to up the ante on their nuttiness so far that the next natural step was just to allow the crazies themselves to take over the train.  We've got endless streams of congressmen fighting over the title Biggest Whackjob.  John McCain, who was considered the most sensible politician that the crazies didn't hate, was forced by the crazies to pick an unqualified crazy as his running mate.  And lifelong conservatives like Bill Kristol, Charles Krauthammer, and Peggy Noonan are now considered "moderates" because they don't repeat enough of the crazy.

Joe the Reporter

And now, Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, the craziest spokesman McCain would trust has been sent to Israel as a "reporter."  As if the poor bastards didn't have enough problems right now.  And what does he report?  What else: Reporters suck.
"I think the military should decide what information to give the media and then the media can release it to the public. I don't believe they need to be in the front lines with soldiers, I don't believe they need to, uh, you know, be bothering the military for information or for access to certain areas."
And the thing is, for as much as this is standard belief by too many conservatives, they're not supposed to actually say it publicly.  Sure, all the crazies believe that the only proper function for the media is to report conservative propaganda, which is why their hatred of totalitarian governments is such a laugh.  But the public face of conservativism just isn't supposed to admit to this.  In public, conservatives were supposed to pretend to be fair-minded about all this, or at least pretend that the whole thing was a lark, done for entertainment value (that's Limbaugh's excuse, anyway.)

But that's just how far they've fallen.  More and more, conservatives can't even pretend to be sane anymore.  To even feign sanity in the national spotlight is to betray the cause.  These people have fallen so far down the rabbit hole that they refuse to acknowledge that they're even in a hole at all.  Instead, they pretend they're having a day at the beach and insist that the water is safe for everyone to jump in.

Joe the Reality Show

As for Joe, I think they should think about expanding his job as professional role model beyond journalism. For example, giving him a job as a brain surgeon, so he can tell doctors that they shouldn't be cutting into people's heads. And being a lawyer who doesn't show up to court. An athlete who doesn't train. A hooker who refuses to have sex. A fireman who doesn't put out fires. A cowboy who hates animals.

It could be a reality show. Each week he takes a different job that he refuses to do while chastising other people in that field for doing their job. I really think it'd work and would at least be better than giving Paris Hilton yet another reality show. People would tune in to laugh at this clown as he showed his complete ignorance about everything while acting superior to everyone. How else to compensate for Bushie withdrawal now that we won't be hearing as much from them anymore?

And he could have incompetent conservative guest stars, like Sarah Palin and George Bush come on and show how they'd apply their own particular brand of incompetence in these various jobs.  Sarah Palin, for example, could brag about what a great job she did building a house that she had obviously just finished burning down, while George Bush could do a few photo-ops showing him operating on a dog while Dick Cheney uses "harsh interrogation" techniques on the veterinarian until he admits that he invented rabies.  

I really think we'd have a ratings winner here and most of all, it'd satisfy the crazies.  They don't really care about politics anyway.  They just want outside confirmation that they're not the only crazy ones out there.  And while they might not be the only ones, I'm glad to say that their numbers are dwindling.