Monday, January 09, 2006

2006 Dream Year Prediction

Holy turdball!  I was over at Roger Ailes doing my typical blog-comment shtick last night, when I suddenly realized that I had riffed onto a great 2006 Dream Year Prediction.  Here goes, with a little more elaboration:

Due to Bush’s indefensible illegalities (many of which we have yet to uncover) and (more importantly) his ever-flagging poll numbers, Congressional Republicans deliver us a delightful mid-year Chimpeachment; in a desperate bid to save their dying re-election campaigns, which already look hopeless by July.  Included in this takedown is Secret Mastermind President Dick Cheney (his official title) who, on top of his involvement in Bush’s multiple high crimes, has a few of his own involving some funny Iraq-Halliburton business, which also deals a long-term blow both to the idea of neo-conservatism and the no-bid contracts that inspired it.  By December, most legal experts assume that both men will be serving time with co-conspirators Tom Delay and Karl Rove, as well as John Bolton (for unrelated sex crimes).

But this effort by the GOP is too-little-too-late, as voters blame them for their lack of oversight of the president; as well as for their own growing corruption scandals, which has now encompassed almost two hundred Republican Congressman, as well as many more Congressional aides.  Additionally, being unable to run on their much beloved “We’re With Bush” ticket, Republicans are forced to campaign on their closest semblance of an actual platform; mostly consisting of gays, abortion, fiscal responsibility, and their distrust of all three. And finally, to show their anger at the traitorous abandonment of Dear Leader, Bush diehards actively campaign against the incumbents, nominating the worst of the worst to run in the general election (think Jean Schmidt on fundie-steroids).  These events combine into the Perfect Storm, knocking the GOP bums out of office and making the biggest political switcheroo in Congress’ history; giving Dems a veto-proof majority for years to come. As a bonus, with Republicans at such a low-point, Dem politicians finally cast-off the need for both corporate whoring and stronger-than-thou warhawkery.

And thus we’re left with dimwit Hastert in charge for two more years, who quickly submits to the obvious tide against him and effectively becomes a rubber-stamp for the Democratic Party (much like his current GOP rubber-stamp position).  And with this power, the Dems straighten-up Iraq, return our tax rates to their Clinton-era levels, and tweak many minor foreign and domestic issues; and thus return America back to its premier status on top of the world.  Oh, and I win the lottery and become the most influential third-tier blogger on the internet.

A man can dream, can’t he?  Hell, that second section is likely to happen in any case.


Mumphrey said...

Actually, Hastert wouldn't be speaker. The new house would choose its speaker and the gloriously resurgent Democrats would never choose to keep a useless lump like Hastert in office; besides, he's a Republican. Even if he weren't a useless lump, the Democrats would still pitch him out on his comfortably upholstered ass.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Sorry, I confused things by saving the Hastert part until the end. But I've got the double impeachments happening before the election, so Hastert gets into the Whitehouse in July (I'm assuming he'd take over immediately), with the House not switching hands until November. I was less than clear in my final edit of this.

Of course, it would be better to go the other way, with the impeachment happening after Congress flips (which is more likely, anyway), so we'd get our guy in the Whitehouse. But I just liked the idea of the GOP cowards tossing Bush overboard to save their own butts, and then for the ulitimate irony of it being both futile and counter-productive (both reasons why this is unlikely). Plus, a GOP-led impeachment wouldn't get the media's panties in such a bind, as a Dem-led impeachment would. And finally, I liked the idea of a weak GOP Prez getting led by the nose by a strong Dem Congress. A man can dream.

Oh, and I didn't add this as it wouldn't be in 2006 (and I hadn't thought of it before), but all of this should eventually lead up to a Biobrain-Clark ticket winning the Whitehouse in 2008. I'd have done this in 2004, but I'm not quite old enough yet (damn founding fathers).

Mumphrey said...

Ahh, yes.
I overlooked Hastert becoming (shudder) president.
And I was anAmerican history major in college, too; as Wallace said in "A Close Shave", "How embarassing!"
And might I humbly suggest a Biobrain-Mumphrey ticket? I might not have Clark's military experience, but I have a great dog I could campaign with to look like a down-to-earth, humble fellow (which I am), and I could even campaign with the 2 dogs I rescued from Honduras, who now live with my parents (makes me look like a humanitarian, which I am).
Just a humble suggestion...

Doctor Biobrain said...

Sorry Mumph, you had me until Honduras. Any dog on my ticket must have "Made in the U.S.A." on it. But it's not an immigrant thing. I'm just trying to appeal to the labor unions; and the Veterinarians Union of America is a bit touchy about foreign-made dogs.

Then again, I have no dogs and four cats, and the politics on that are too scary to ponder. So if you could think about playing down the origin of your refugees, and if your dog is the proper kind who doesn't bark alot (I don't like barking dogs), then I could sure use him on the campaign trail. I wonder how goldfish play in the midwest...

Mumphrey said...

Ahh, but my dog is an American dog; the Honduran dogs are just--politically speaking, at least--bonus dogs.
There are a lot of Hispanic Americans in this country; think of the added mileage of having me appear on the stump with an American born English speaking dog, and a Honduran immigrant Spanish speaking dog.
¡Talk about outreach!

Doctor Biobrain said...

Alright, we can mention the foreign dogs, but we need to keep that message focused, and not let it spread around too much in Union territory. If those SOB's even get one sniff of those dogs, I'll lose both the AUOVWV and the UFOUVWV, and with them, the whole election.

But I'm planning to win my home state of Texas, so I guess a few spanish speakers could really help with that, even if they're only speaking in dog. I'm currently working on getting my daughter fluent in Spanish through 3-hour power sessions of Dora the Explorer, but that's really not going as quickly as I'd hope. And my Spanish is limited to ordering beer and ordering beer drunkenly. They're both roughly the same, except one is more likely to get me cut-off. Not very presidential.

Mumphrey said...

And here's a bonus:
My dog, Abby, is a hunting dog, a spaniel. Lots of union guys are hunters. And think of all the non-union folks who are hunters, too. That'll play well in my own state of Virginia, as well as in the hinterlands of the state I grew up in, Pennsylvania. Also Ohio, upstate New York, Tennessee, Kaintuck, Missouri, and many others, besides.
With the A-1 American hunting dog on one hand, and the immigrant Honduran dogs on the other, we can sweep the electoral college.
We have 2 cats, too, but I don't know how they'll play in proverbial Peoria. One of the cats has taken to peeing on our floor; maybe it would be better to keep him out of the spotlight. We don't want to lose the housewife vote, and cat pee on the floor polls notoriously badly with housewives.

Mumphrey said...

Of course, I myself don't hunt, so we can get the hunter vote as a bonus with Abby, and still not lose the vegetarian vote.
I can tailor the message:
In hunting terretory, I can say, "Get a load of my great bird dog!" And in big city vegetarian territory, I can play up how I don't hunt, and just have the dog for humanitarian companionship reasons (got her from a rescue society, no less).

Doctor Biobrain said...

Sorry Murph, I've just been informed that the 2008 Presidential winner is Jesse Ventura, with McCain as his Veep. They'll have a substantial tromping over the Biden-Lieberman ticket, winning by a steady 26-point margin. Even Massachussets will vote Republican, and that's not even how it's spelled.

There's still a chance for us in 2012 when President "The Body" drops McCain for Dick Cheney (don't ask); but it doesn't look likely. The odds favor the Paul Newman-Warren Beatty ticket, and I think they'll pull it out in a squeaker. I'll let you know when that one is decided, but it doesn't look good.

But fear not, lifespans are getting longer and there are plenty more elections where these came from. Just keep your dogs healthy and we'll all have our day yet.

Mumphrey said...

Dang it all!
Here I thought we had a shot.
Curse Jesse Ventura!
And I so wanted to quote Jack Nicholson from "A Few Good Men" in a debate, apropos of nothing:
"You have the luxury of not knowing what I know...that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives!"
It polls off the charts among marines and Jack Nicholson.
Among others, not so well, but it would be worth it to see the looks of bewilderment on the crowd's faces...