Friday, September 07, 2007

Doctor Biobrain: Republican Dreamboat

I know you people have been clamoring to hear the latest news on my presidential exploratory committee’s exploratory committee, and we’ve finally had a breakthrough: As of next week, I am officially announcing the formation of my presidential exploratory committee. That’s right. I’m taking the plunge. I have now joined the ranks of the Presidential Nominee Possibilities.

But wait, it gets better. One of the key points that my PECEC stressed was the fact that there’s already too much overlap in the crowded Democratic field. Sure, no one yet has grabbed the blogger CPA with Sci-Fi Name gimmick yet. But all the same, the proper combination of Hillary’s and Barrack’s resume (less the whole political experience and fame thing) was a straight facsimile of what I would have been running on. I was superfluous before I even entered the race.

But…there was hope: Running as a Republican. That field of losers is so weak and flip-floppish that my committee saw absolutely no reason why a devout liberal atheist couldn’t dominate the field and sweep on into the Whitehouse in 2008.

In that regard, my resume looks perfect. I’m tall, but not freakishly tall like Thompson. You can land jet fighters on my shoulders, which aren’t as big as Romney’s 747’s, but certainly more patriotic. I’ve got the body of a third-string NFL quarterback and could kick the ass of any of the Republican nominees, and would be quite happy to do so…again and again. (Not that I’m a violent person, but I’ve got to win those debates somehow.) I’ve never held political office so no one can hold my record against me. I don’t use cologne or aftershave, so I smell like 100% man-sweat most of the time. And best of all, I’m from Texas. So suck on that, all you yankee fruitcakes!

Sure, there’s this whole leftwing blog thing which some liberal assassins at Media Matters might try to hold against me, but I know the real Americans won’t fall for their George Soros paid shenanigans. Plus, no one ever reads this blog except you guys, and you wouldn’t try to blow it for me, would you?

So that’s it. I’ve now taken the mantle from soon-to-be disgraced Presidential Nominee Dreamboat Fred Thompson and have become the newest GOP superhero. Now all that’s left for me is to practice my crowd-pleasing debate techniques (“But what pansy Mitt failed to acknowledge in his response on healthcare is MY FIST IN HIS FACE!”), as well as getting a gun license and a very large gun. I’m a shoo-in. And if I get the nomination, I’m buying a ranch. Wish me luck.

Iraq Forever! Let’s bomb Iran!
Iraq Forever! Let’s bomb Iran!

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