As my sole request, Vice President Cheney has graciously allowed me to give you guys get first dibs on the report. Enjoy!
The Official & Complete Doctor Biobrain Iraqi Study Report & Pro-America Extravaganza
We came. We saw. We kicked some ass.
The purpose of this report is to give the American people an objective third-party perspective of President Bush's successful plan to destroy Al Qaeda around the globe. Although all real Americans understood that the success of this strategy relied upon misdirection, secrecy, and patience, it's only natural in a time of transition for the more timid elements to run for cover. And with the unthinking anti-Americans in our own country taking advantage of that uncertainty in order to undermine the long-term success of our great nation, I am now proud to announce that
The plan is as follows: In order to destroy the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11 and who are intent on taking over the world, President Bush sagely devised a three step strategy known in military terms as the "Rope-a-Dope". The first step was to wage an unprovoked attack against a secular Muslim nation, which would so enrage Muslims that they would be lured from their caves and sleeper cells to fight us in Iraq. The second step was to destroy these terrorists in a seemingly haphazard fashion that would make their terrorist brethren falsely believe they stood some chance of defeating us; thereby also entering Iraq to be slaughtered. The third stage was a final surge of additional troops which would finish off all the remaining terrorists in the world and draw our war on terror to a successful conclusion.
After extensively interviewing all of the myriads of people the military bravely provided to us in our palatial lodgings in the once war torn province of al-Greenzone, as well as exhaustively computing the numbers Mr. Cheney's office were gracious enough to collect for us, we have found that Bush's Rope-a-Dope strategy in Iraq has been an obvious and overwhelming success. Our official tally shows that only one Iraqi has died since the surge began, and that death was attributed entirely to joy. All other deaths were foreign Al Qaeda fighters lured into Iraq by Bush's wonderful strategy.
Beyond that, records indicate that four schools were painted, an electrical plant has been partially repaired twice, and a secondary water treatment plant in Baghdad has been running at 51% capacity for much of the Summer. Unfortunately, it was found necessary to destroy all these facilities as a way of demonstrating to the terrorists that we meant business and really don't like those roadside bombs they keep hitting us with. We think the message got across and have plans to rebuild all of these structures upon the successful completion of our War on Terror. All Iraqis are completely grateful for what we did.
Oh, and when I wrote "we," I meant our military. Naturally, I'm just an independent observer writing an objective report that shows how much America has been kicking ass and why we need to continue fighting in Iraq, lest we admit that the terrorists have won. I am in no way saying these things because my neck is on the line for my aggressive pro-war stance, as I have once said something deemed to be critical of Bush's dog. So it's obvious that my only bias is towards showing the truth of Bush's awesome plan on how best to conclude this awesome, awesome war.
It's a cakewalk. We need to keep kicking ass for another six months and we will most definitely be greeted as liberators. The biggest long-term threat that can be imagined would be if one of our troops is accidentally blinded by a rose thrown by an overzealous Iraqi during the ensuing parades. As a precautionary measure, we have instructed military personnel to keep sunglasses on their person at all times, for the eventuality of these parades breaking out spontaneously. As an added bonus, this will send a positive message to the Iraqi people that our future is so bright that we need to wear shades. Yeah America!!