Confessions of a Tax Code Junkie

I have a confession. Once upon a time, I used to live the life that I wanted to. I did what I wanted to do. I lived where I wanted to live. And I lived with the people I wanted to live with. And then I read the IRS tax code, and all that changed.

Suddenly, I found myself redesigning my entire life in order to minimize my tax bill. I saw that I could get a tax credit for college education and a tax deduction on student loan interest, so I quit my job and started going to an expensive university I couldn’t possibly afford. I saw that I could deduct mortgage interest on a home loan as well as my property tax payment, so I stopped renting and bought the most expensive house I could find with an absurd interest rate. I ran up HUGE medical bills for procedures I didn't need, just so I could deduct them above the 7.5% AGI floor. I started adopting children and enrolling them in daycare, so I could deduct the adoption costs, increase my tax exemptions, and get the child care credits. And I started my own business so I could deduct 50% of my self-employment tax. I thought I had it all. But it was all an illusion. And I see that now. I was living the sham life of a tax code junkie.

And now I see the err of my ways. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do and ended up totally broke. As it turns out, not only did these deductions, exemptions, and credits not make me rich; I actually found that the 15% I saved on my tax bill still left me having to pay 85% of the cost of these things; and so there was no advantage to doing any of these things, unless I already needed to do them anyway. What could have gone wrong?

Liberty-Stealing Liberals

And then I figured it out: I had been led astray by liberal Democrats who were attempting to social engineer my life. It was they who forced me to do these things. They knew that I’d fall for the siren song of their tax breaks. They’re the ones who forced me to get that useless education, the expensive home, the unnecessary medical procedures, bratty kids, and this stupid home business. They were the ones who wanted these things, not me. And they used their conniving tax code to pull my strings like a helpless puppet. I feel so used.

And now I know better. No longer do I support tax deductions for any of these things. It’s obvious that the only purpose of these tax “savings” is to rule my life and destroy my liberty. The plan is to jack tax rates up to the highest conceivable level, so you’ll do anything to weasel your way out of paying. It’s the perfect trap.

Sure, they’ll claim that these tax breaks are intended to offset expenses related to activities which are beneficial to society, like higher education, home ownership, and child adoption. Or they'll claim that our tax code is intended to make people who have more expendable income pay more, by excluding expenses related to raising kids and medical expenses. But we know better. This is nothing short of Big Daddy Government treating us all like little children; running our lives and ruining our society.

Republican-Voting Libertarian

But no more! From now on, I’m turning my back on the liberal Democrats who destroyed my liberties. From here on out, I’m joining the ranks of the freedom-loving libertarians so that I can once again live my life the way I want to. And if that means that I have to vote Republican as a way of hurting the liberty-hating Democrats, so be it. From now on, I’ll be voting for people who respect my freedom and allow me to live my life the way I want.

And sure, many Republicans want to restrict my access to abortion and birth control. And they want to tell me who I can have sex with, who I can marry, and who I can divorce. And they want to deny me access to alcohol and drugs and gambling, as well as deciding which types of entertainment I shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy. And they want to dictate which things can be taught in school and have free reign to decide which religion is expressed publicly. And they want to do this by using our judicial system and police force as the guardians of their religious beliefs. And that's not to mention their belief that the president is allowed to wiretap our phones, deny us access to public events he's attending, and remove our rights as citizens; without any outside oversight or public knowledge.

But screw it. If that’s what it takes to overturn the power of the freedom-destroying Democrats, I’m wiling to accept that. As the great Oliver Wendell Holmes once said: Tis better to be imprisoned for having the wrong kind of sex than to be offered a tax break for having children. Truer words were never spoke.