Friday, September 28, 2007

Partitioning the World

FYI: My presidential exploratory committee has voted unanimously to partition Mexico into three general population categories: The Clean Ones, The Workers, and Other. The Clean Ones will reside in the nice touristy places, like bordertowns, Cancun, etc; where they will be taught such important skills like How to Mariachi, and the best way to make margaritas with American ice. The Workers will be housed in luxurious gated communities along our border, where American employers can arrange shuttle services to and from their facilities each day. And finally, The Others can live everywhere else, as long as they stay away from the first two groups. Elections will be temporarily suspended until we decide the best way to handle such delicate matters.

But they didn't stop there. The committee also voted unanimously to partition all European countries, particularly France; as it was determined that Europe is a great place to visit, were it not for all the foreign scumbags who live there. For these countries, the partition plan is as follows: Pro-Americans, Anti-Americans, and Mimes. The Pro-Americans will stay in Western Europe. The Anti-Americans in Eastern Europe. And the Mimes will reside in special gated communities, to be visited by the few people who are into that kind of thing. Again, elections will be temporarily suspended.

And finally, we found it necessary to partition America. This was the toughest vote, winning by a 125-119 margin (yes, seventeen members of the committee abstained). But with all the nasty partisanship in our country, it was decided that the best way to avert the looming disaster was a straight partition of the country according to this map layout. While this is considered somewhat contentious by some, the majority opinion was that this would allow the greatest freedom for citizens to choose the laws that best suited their needs. Everyone will be given a thirty day grace period to settle in the area they prefer, and again, elections will be temporarily suspended.

After partitioning is complete in each country, work will begin on the construction of the seventy-foot concrete partitioning devices, designed to best facilitate the new arrangement. The committee went ahead and awarded a cost-plus contract to Halliburton to build these devices, primarily because they were the only ones with the necessary clout to convince Congress and the President to not fight our plans. For similar reasons, security will be provided by the NRA, which is quite enthusiastic about the whole thing and has already arranged for guards to work for free. Apparently, they had a waiting list ready for just such an occasion.

Anyway, just thought I'd let my loyal readers hear the news first. You're welcome.

1 comment:

BadTux said...

Silly doctor, everybody knows that the one TRUE partition of North America north of Mexico looks like this.

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin