Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Just Like White

I normally don't do this kind of thing, but I feel compelled to defend Bill O'Reilly for his revelation that black people can sometimes act just like white people. He is absolutely correct. I've seen it. They can ask for things without saying "motherfucker," they can eat food that sometimes isn't fried chicken or watermelon, and they can often go long periods of time without copulating or flinging their poop at the bystanders watching them.

I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I've seen it. I can state unequivocally that, were it not for their skin color, you'd almost think some of them were white.

But it's not just black people. People of other colors can also behave like white people too. For instance, one time I actually went to one of those convenience stores that's run by an Arab. And not only did the guy not kill me or blow anyone up, he had many of the same products that you'd find in a real convenience store. Like candy and American soda. Even better, there wasn't a falafel in sight and the guy even spoke English!

So I got the convenience of getting that sweet-ass Arab oil (which really is better than the kind you get at your local Exxon), but without the inconvenience of getting beheaded. I've had thoughts about going back there again someday and almost regret having protested outside the place for as long as I did. Luckily, that guy never traced those death threats back to me.

And it's not just the non-whites in our country. I was adventurous enough to go to Mexico, not once, but twice! And let me tell you, it really wasn't that different from being in the scarier parts of my own town. Especially once I found out that they weren't speaking gibberish. It turns out that they have their own language. They also have beer and margaritas, just like us. They even have tacos! And once you get used to their flavorless Doritos (called "tortilla chips") and that their gorditas are nothing like the taste sensation you'd get at Taco Bell, you'll find their food almost palatable.

That's not to say I'm ready to spend the night or anything. I mean, come on. It's one thing to get them to shine your shoes at a discount price, but let's not get carried away. A man needs a life and that "espanol" stuff is cute at first, but it's really no way to talk.

Multiculturalism Can Be Your Friend

And I've experienced this stuff again and again. It's simply amazing. Once you can get passed the idea that you're dealing with godless heathens with BO problems, you can really expand your horizons quite a bit. For example, you can go to one of those Chinese restaurants and they've got this great dish called "Sweet & Sour Pork". Very exotic. Even those weird Japanese places can have good food. Stick with the "California Roll" and you'll be safe. And I once found this quaint little Italian place called "The Olive Garden" that was simply delightful.

And it's not just food. Non-whites apparently have their own music and clothes styles, and some of their women are almost sexy. No wonder they're starting to out-number us in our own country. Their big butts and natural athleticism have allowed them to compensate for our larger brains and cultural superiority. But perhaps this isn't the end of the world. That's not to suggest that I think we need to just sit by and allow them to take over our country. But as long as we restrict it to the good, clean ones, all is not lost.

And who knows, perhaps some day medical science can finally do something about their nasty skin color, funky hair, and BO problems. We've fixed many of God's other mistakes already and I see no reason we why we won't be able to cure this one too. I have a dream that we can someday be a colorblind society, with everyone a glorious shade of pale. Martin Luther King would be proud. Perhaps we'll bleach his bones.

Update: In response to all of the angry emails I've received for this post, I'd just like to say that everything I just wrote is out of context. The proper context for this post is that I am not a racist. All I was trying to say is that, due to recent events, I'm now so open-minded that I think that some non-whites are almost the same as real-whites and might someday be our equal. I mean, would a racist hire a black woman to clean his house or a Mexican to mow his lawn? I think not. And if I ever found a use for an Arab, I'd be sure to put them to work too. Hell, Michael Jackson is still one of my favorite entertainers, in spite of his inate criminal tendencies. If that makes me a racist, then all of my friends are racists too.

Far from being racist, I was just trying to show how highly I think of non-whites. But if that's not good enough for you, then it's obvious that nothing will satisfy you bastards. Perhaps next time I should just go ahead and mention that I think all Irishmen are drunken bullies who should go back to Ireland on the potato boat that brought them here. But I won't say that because I'm not a racist.

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