Well folks, you’ve spoken loud and clear and I’d be a fool to ignore it. After my recent announcement that I was bowing out of the presidential exploratory committee race in order to focus on my vice-presidential exploratory committee prospects, the public outcry protesting that decision was literally deafening. I couldn’t hear any of it. And after much soul searching and having hired a whole new team of sycophantic committee members, I’m back in the race. Not because of any personal conceit of my own, but because you people demanded it.
Let me quote from one of the many, many messages that poured in:
Come on, are you going to let Hillary Clinton scare you out of the race? Just because she's a sitting U.S. senator? And married to a former president? And not totally obscure?
Because after those 3, admittedly somewhat formidable advantages, I really don't see what she has going for her. She isn't even a C.P.A., for crying out loud.
Don't you think it's time all the beleaguered C.P.A.s of America, of which I admit I am not one, had one of their own to look up to as president, or at least as a comically marginal presidential candidate?
So I say:
¡Start it up again!
¡Yes to Dr. Biobrain!
That was long time reader and new time blogger J. Mumphrey Bibblesnæð, and by god, he’s right. Hillary Clinton is not a CPA, and I am. And if that’s not good enough for the American people, then I’ll just have to keep hinting that she’s a lesbian enough times until it finally sinks in. Not because it’s true, but because I’m the right man for the job and can lead this country into the 21st Century like I owned the damn thing. And that justifies everything.
I mean, what’s a few cheap smears when the stake of the free world is at stake? You would have killed Hitler before his big election, had you the chance, right? And all I’m asking you to do is to spread the word that Hillary’s a bigtime carpet-muncher and keeps the heads of all her ex-lovers in a locker in her basement, so she can taunt them before going to bed each night. Sure, that went beyond crude and went straight for repulsive, but we’re talking the presidency here, not a god damned beauty contest. I can’t afford to pull any punches.
Speaking of which, did you hear that Barack Obama is attracted to “rough trade” and likes gay toughs to punch him in the face? Me neither, pass it on. See, it’s that simple. And you can do it too. Just pick one of my Democratic opponents, invent some gay gossip about him, and act like it’s the hottest news since you learned that Tipper Gore is a man. The genius of Karl Rove was the pure simplicity of it all. Why take a position when you can put your opponent in a perverted one?
And don’t you think for a second that there’s nothing in this for you. Oh no. If I can somehow pull off the longshot victory and get that Whitehouse for my very own, the first thing I’m going to do is to put the Presidential Seal right here on my blog. And so every time you come here to read one of my addresses, you’ll get a little reminder of how you helped make that a reality by passing on the rumor about John Edwards, the lumberjack, and those poor little puppies. And that’s my promise to you, my people.