Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Biobrain Exclusive: Bush Will Not Seek Re-Election

You heard it here first, people. During tonight’s State of the Union address, Bush will announce that he will NOT again run for re-election, but rather will step aside on January 20, 2009, turning power over to Iraqi Security Forces and the Iraqi people. As Iraqis stand up, we’ll stand down. Bush has entrusted Dick Cheney with the task of ensuring a smooth transition.

Bush will also announce his plans for breaking ground on the first ever Presidential Hotel & Casino at his ranch in Crawford. Included will be a dog track and presidential-themed amusement park. This will be officially sanctioned by the federal government, including the use of the Presidential Seal on all gaming tokens; and the entire town of Crawford will be declared a federal district akin to Washington D.C. and will be outside of any taxing or regulatory authorities. Once complete, Bush will be named President for Life of the District of Bushland and be issued a really cool crown and scepter.

And finally, the country of Iraq will now be under the control of Halliburton subsidiary KBR, though details are still sketchy as of this time. I’ll keep you posted as I learn more.

Update: Although none of the major news wires have yet to confirm this story, my sources assure me that it is entirely solid.

Second Update: Oops. Jumped the gun alittle on this exclusive. It turns out this is Bush’s SOTU speech for 2010. Looks like we’ve got George to kick around for six more years. My bad.

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