Alright, now that the big news is finally out, I can finally confirm the rumors: Yes, I'm replacing both Alberto Gonzalez as Attorney General as well as Al-Maliki as Iraq's new Strongman (my official Iraqi title will be Generalissimo Saddam Supremo (my idea)). They actually wanted me to replace Bush too, but I'm not that dumb. I'll leave the job of fixing all his screw-ups to some other sucker.
And let me tell you, I've got big plans for both jobs. BIG plans. But I'm not going to spoil the surprise just yet. And don't worry, I'll keep blogging. I might even have some juicy stories to tell once I get the speaker set-up that connects to all the listening devices in America and Iraq. From what I understand, they also read thoughts. Should be interesting. I'll keep you updated.