Sunday, August 19, 2007

I'm the King

It's good to be the king. I should know, because I just made myself King of America. Not for my for own selfish desires, mind you. But to protect our great nation and everything it stands for. So I've decided to swear upon a stack of pancakes to do my duty to uphold our constitution and protect it from the tyranny of brown-skinned people by doing whatever it takes. And to do "whatever it takes" I have to be king.

And so now I am the king, and let me tell you, it's great. I'm not even one of those Constitutional Monarchs, as I found that to be much too limiting on my ability to protect you and the constitution. So I decided to play it safe by going for Absolute Monarch. That's right, I can do anything. Hell, and why even bind myself to physical possibility, as you never know when I might need to fly or use laser vision to defend our nation from terrorists or terrorist sympathizers. So I've decided to be omnipotent. Granted, I haven't found any reason to actually use any of these powers so far, but I assure you that I have them. How could I not? I need them to protect you.

And let's not forget omniscience, so I don't even have to bother with Congress attempting to limit me with silly advisories like the FISA law. It'll be simply a matter of me telling my secret police what all the bad guys are thinking, and having them arrested and whisked away to my secret dungeons for an interrogative debriefing. And let me tell you, these won't be any of those mambsy-pambsy, politically-correct "stress techniques" oldman Rumsfeld settled with. I'm going old school with this. The rack. The iron maiden. You name it. That way everyone will be safer. Sure, you might ask why I'd need to interrogate people if I'm omniscient and already know what they're thinking. But you'll just have to trust me on this one. You have no other choice.

And again, I must stress that I'm not doing this for my own personal benefit. This is absolutely necessary because the Bushies are just too small-minded to take the extra steps required for our basic protection. In a time of existential crisis such as ours, when our women folks are just moments away from being hidden away in burkas forever, we simply cannot afford a president who bothers couching his authoritarian power-grabs in terms of "constitutional authority" as Bush continues to do. Because that establishes the precedent that the Constitution can bind the president, and we all know what a fatal disaster that would be.

As Abraham Lincoln once famously said, in order to save the Constitution, we most surely must destroy it. Martial Law goes into effect in three minutes. Be sure not to be outside. And don't stop thinking happy thoughts. I'm listening.

1 comment:

whig said...

Do you have someone waiting for the shake?