Bush's One Trillion Dollar Plan

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain

Jesus, you just can't please liberals. On that fateful and holy day of September 11, when Muslims worldwide demonstrated that our borders and oceans provided us no protection from their horde invasion, thus giving liberals their big chance to toss up their hands in mass surrender, exactly one trillion dollars in damage was inflicted upon us. This left our resolute leader George W. Bush with only one option: Revenge, equal and opposite to that which was inflicted upon us.

And what could be more opposite from our enemies causing us one trillion dollars in damage, than for us to spend one trillion of our own money attacking people who hadn't attacked us? That seems pretty straight forward and is perfectly in line with what President Bush had explicitly stated as his underlying super-secret message that only us loyal Americans could decipher and not reveal until it became convenient to do so. That's obvious.

And so that's what we did. As Tony Snow tried to explain to the insulting dunderheads who refuse to accept reality:
Asked today about a new Congressional Budget Office report that puts the price tag of the war on Iraq at more than $1 trillion, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said: “Well, if you take a look at what happened on September 11th, 2001, it’s estimated that the aftershocks of that could have cost up to $1 trillion.”

Well, duh! The logic of this is perfectly obvious to anyone who remains unblinded by irrational Bush Hatred. But libs just aren't big on the obvious and are now attempting to obfusicate the matter by pretending as if this one trillion dollar war is somehow a mistake. As if we hadn't started this war with the explicit plan to spend one trillion dollars and force Muslims out of their sleeper cells to kill thousands of our troops. I mean, how else would things have turned out this way, if Bush hadn't planned it as such? Do they think we're just making this shit up as we go along? As if...

And it worked perfectly. Thanks to Bush's plan, there are now millions more Muslims who have been lured out into the open to make explicit their undying hatred of us; thus giving us the justification we needed to invade. And had we followed Lord Michael Moore's plans, we'd still be naively unaware of this hatred and our enemies would still pretend to like us. Just think about that. Bush didn't create Muslim hatred for America. He just made them more willing to do something about it. And for that, we all owe him a big debt of gratitude.

Damned If You Do

And as I said, you just can't please these people. Because for as much as they rant about the expense of this war, they also rant about how Republicans spend our money domestically. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. They don't want us spending this money to establish democracy in a place that lacks the infrastructure for democracy, and they don't like us giving it away to our political and financial benefactors. What's a man to do?

I mean, where do they think this one trillion would have gone, had we not poured it into Iraq? We could have given a long overdue taxcut to the unfortunate individuals forced to pay the majority of our tax bill, but they would have complained about tax "give-aways" to the rich. Or we could have earmarked it to the super-secret defense contractors that buy us our homes, yachts, and hookers, but they would have complained about that. Or we could have just given it outright to the free-market heroes sponsoring our political campaigns at a rate of $1 for each $100 they receive, but they would have complained about that.

In fact, they would complain about where we put any of this trillion dollars, short of just giving it to poor blacks and illegal immigrants. So they would have used it for the same purpose we do: Buying votes. Damn hypocrites!

Supporting the Troops

And let's not forget about where a big part of that money went: The troops. That's right. A lot of our military guys got a big ol' payraise thanks to being in a warzone, and that's not to mention all the free meals and enhanced medical care we provided to them. And how about all the Reservists and National Guardsmen receiving a veritable mint thanks to Bush's awesome plan. By sending them to war, we not only gave them a purpose in life, we gave them cash. And I don't hear no one complaining about that from my accepted news sources.

And so that's what this is really all about. The hypocrite libs just don't like the idea that we're giving away all this money to the brave men and women protecting our borders. The idea that even a cent of this money isn't being funneled directly to illegal immigrants and welfare queens must drive them wild. Much better to give money to ol' Jose Gringo than to the people putting their lives on the line to protect our nation. Disgusting!

So I say Bully to Bush, for devising such a brilliant plan and for not kowtowing to the liberals demands that we funnel our hard earned money into Mexico. Those terrorists caused one trillion dollars of damage to us, and I'm sleeping easier knowing that Bush helped burn through another one trillion to avenge their evil deeds. Hell, let's just throw another trillion into the mix. That'd be just another trillion we'd be keeping out of the hands of those Tax & Spend liberals. Let them use their own money to buy votes. We've got a few minarets to blow-up. Yee-haw!