An Immigration Policy You Can't Not Afford

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain

Josh Marshall mentioned Giuliani's change of heart on immigration, now that the technology has finally caught up with the brown people streaming across our borders. But it's totally bush league stuff. Sensor-based platforms doing surveillance? Wow. I'm sure Jose Gringo is shaking in his sombrero just thinking about it. This is the biggest threat modern civilization could conceivably face, so I don't see why we shouldn't be taking this to the next level.

And what's the next level? Lasers, of course. Heat-seeking lasers. I've got a few of these babies right here, and let me tell you: Totally awesome. These suckers are great. I use them to shoot down the heat-seeking spiders Grandfather Snedley created for use against the Irish all those years ago. And look how well that turned out. Nobody worries about the Irish anymore. And I can crank out these heat-seeking lasers just as fast as you can ask for one. Sure, there are a few kinks in the system, but that's nothing compared to the ginormous kinks in our immigration system. Think about it.

But I'm not leaving it at that. Hell no. It's simply a matter of time before the Brown Plague starts fighting back with mirrored heat-insulation suits sold by Schmoctor Schmedley Enterprises, an international conglomerate with absolutely no legal ties to me.

So it's time to take it one level further: Randomized Personal Nukes. That's right. Small-scale tactical nuclear bombs that detonate at random intervals all across our vast border. With these suckers going off every fifteen to twenty minutes, I can guarantee that no dishes will be getting washed within three hundred miles of our porous southern border. And any Mexis who make it through will all have that warm glow that La Migra shouldn't have any trouble distinguishing from us real people. It's even better than the color coding God gave them.

Admittedly, our technology hasn't quite caught up with this one yet. But that's where the government comes in. Research isn't free and neither is the damage done by the flood of illegals poring across our border every second. Sure, ten billion dollars a month sounds like a lot of money for technology with no proven scientific basis, but that's nothing compared to the comfort of knowing that your grandchildren will finally be able to sleep easily knowing that their landscaping is being down with 100% American Hands. God bless America.