Friday, January 04, 2008

Victory in Iowa

I would just like to thank all of you little people out there for making my stirring tenth place comeback surprise victory in Iowa possible. Some people said it couldn't be done, simply because I've never been to Iowa and probably couldn't locate it on a map of Iowa. But through your hard work and perseverance, I am now the clear winner of Thursday Night's Iowa Caucus. And I owe it all to you.

Sure, I might not have charted as high as some of the sixth-tier candidates like Gravel, Sharpton, and Dole, but they actually had some form of operational campaign at some point in their lives and people had heard of them. And sure, I actually did worse than the misspellings of some of the third-tier candidates like Boden and Brichardson. But the fact that I placed just a few percentage points behind some of my more esteemed colleagues, if only within my own mind, is clearly a good sign of times to come and enough for me to declare this the most lopsided victory since the Germans took Poland.

So now it's off to New Hampshire, another place I couldn't locate on a map. In fact, I'm not even sure where Old Hampshire is, or if it even exists. But no matter. Tonight's victory clearly surpassed the exceedingly low expectations I set for myself and my advisers tell me that I'm now well positioned to slingshot right passed all of my competitors and might even make it into the realm of fifth-tier candidates, like Kucinich and Nader by some time next year. Remember, politics is all about perceptions and expectation management, and sometimes, the best possible way to win is to come in dead last, even if that means you got fewer votes than a misspelling of your own name.

Update: TBN just reported that I have now dropped out of the race and have thrown my support towards Jesse "The Body" Ventura's candidacy in Honduras. Damn, and I thought my campaign was doing better than ever. Politics is hard.

Late Update: I have just received news that I have not dropped out of the race, and that TBN has not, in fact, ever heard of me. I repeat: I have not dropped out of the race. That means that all of you supporters currently in-flight to Honduras are going to have to figure out some way of getting back home. Might I suggest asking your flight attendant for parachutes and perhaps a map of the local terrain. I am completely unfamiliar with where Honduras might be, though I suspect it might be somewhere between Iowa and New Hampshire. So my advice to you would be to try facing Iowa and then turning right. The worst that can happen is that you'd be abducted by a tribe of cannibalistic sex-fiends who keep you alive while they slowly harvest your body parts and rape your orifices with fiery chili peppers covered in fire ants. But at least you'll have died for a good cause, which is more than the other Biobrain Political Martyrs can say; most of whom died from a nasty bacterial infection on the Biobrain 2008 Glorious Victory Bus when I left the mayo out all day as an object lesson in perseverance. That was just a horrible, horrible mistake that I really should have stopped repeating a lot sooner. In contrast, your deaths will be quite sensible and necessary. So at least you've got that going for you. Good luck and don't forget to tuck and roll upon landing.

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