Monday, January 28, 2008

2008 Election Results

Alright, it's over. The 2008 presidential elections have now been decided, and I've got excellent news: I'm the new Vice President!!! That's right. Ol' Doc Biobrain just got the cushiest gig in America. The clincher was when they asked me if I had planned to continue expanding the office of the Vice President as my predecessor has, and I gave a big "Fuck no!" And that pretty much sealed the deal. Now it looks like I'm on permanent vacation for the next four years.

Oh, and Cheney's the new president, so my biggest worry is that something might happen to his ticker and I'd be stuck having to waste all my time presidenting. But that's why I agreed to sort of be the public face of the Whitehouse, while he takes care of the nation's business from one of three hundred presidential private bunker resorts, each equipped with a mock-up West Wing and steak buffet. It's great. So I get to go to all the free dinners and travel the globe, while Cheney does whatever it was Cheney was planning to do while holed up inside nuclear-proof bunkers, each replete with its own personal harem and stud farm. From what I understand, they're quite glorious. One of them is supposedly an exact replica of Saddam's own underground palace northwest of Tikrit. They say the wallpaper in the den is made of human flesh. I wouldn't know, because I'm not allowed to know where they're located. That's what they call Plausible Deniability.

And over the last seven years, Cheney was able to finish completion of his own personal clones, which not only look and act like the real Dick Cheney, but share the same DNA and decision-making powers. So even if you take out the real Cheney, you have to take out all the doubles too; thus eliminating any advantage to assassinating him. You can kill the man, but it'll just make the hive mad. And no, I don't think having eight independent presidential clones walking around making decisions would lead to any kind of constitutional crisis.

Ok, well that's it. I just found all this out and thought I should share it with you, my loyal readers. It was supposed to be a secret, so be sure to act surprised.

Update: Oops, three of the Cheney clones have already forced a power struggle with the real Cheney, and we now believe that the first two Cheneys are dead. Cheney #3 has now declared himself Cheney-in-Chief, but Cheneys 4 and 5 have raised a serious challenge to this in the Cheney Supreme Court. And of course, Cheney #6 is very fearful of Cheney #7, primarily because 7 8 9. I'll let you know more when I hear it.

Late Update: Nevermind. Apparently, the real Cheney had uncovered the coup-de-dick and had arranged to fake his own death in order to lull his attackers into a false sense of security. From there, Cheney was able to have all of the other Cheneys captured by his secret security clones, interrogated by the interrogation clones, and had the guilty ones sent of to Guantanamo for "re-education." Fortunately, Cheneys 4 and 8 remained loyal throughout the interrogations and have now been returned to their decision-making positions in Texas and Sri Lanka, respectively.

Last Update: They're dead. All of the Cheneys have been assassinated by PETA. Now I'm the President of the United States. Shit!

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