Presidential Affirmative Action (Or: How to Cure White Guilt in Three Easy Steps)

I’d just like to say that I’m glad that Barack Hussein Obama lost in the New Hampshire primary. While I supported his now failed run for president, it was only because I felt guilty for what my people had done to his people all those years ago. But now that we’ve given his people their day in the sun, I’m glad we didn’t actually have to give them the Whitehouse too. And best of all, we finally have an example we can show black people of how they can get ahead in life without guns, drugs, or welfare; so perhaps they can stop bitching about that too. Perhaps now we can start seeing a few more of these clean, articulate young black men taking my order at McDonald's, instead of all the dirty mumblers I keep getting.

Next, we just need to pay some lip service to how refreshing it will be to finally have a woman in the Whitehouse, before she crumbles like a wet sanitary napkin in the general election; thus allowing us to elect Giuliani as president, so we can finally take care of the nation’s business. I don’t care what he has to do to the bad people, just as long as he does it. As they say, vote Democrat if you want to feel better; vote Republican if you want to live better. Looks like we got the best of both in this election cycle.

Now we just need to make sure to give a Latino a shot at losing in 2012, and we should have gotten this out of our system for at least a few decades. Damn it’s hard being a modern liberal. I wonder if we let a poor person win a primary if we could stop caring about them too. If not, there’s always that operation that removes the guilt-center of the brain. That way, I can stop being racist, sexist, and classist all in one fell swoop; and can start being a conservative egalitarian who coincidentally understands that rich white men are the bestest in the world and deserve whatever they can take. That would be nice, as I happen to be a white man who wants to be rich and have good stuff. How fortunate.



P.S. If anyone reads this who isn’t a regular reader: Yes, this is a joke. Oh, and when I started this post, I assumed Obama was going to win in New Hampshire, so I had to go back and re-write it. Oops.