I’ve got bad news for you. As you all know, I’m a huuuge Hillary Clinton fan and not only think she’s has the best chance for winning the presidency, but think she’s the best chance we’ve got for saving humanity. But I just got some breaking news that shatters that reality wide open and means we’re going to have to go back to the drawing board. Are you ready for a double whammy?
First off, it turns out that Hillary’s a big fat phony who spoke using a southern drawl and sounded like a hick while in Alabama. I know, who’d have guessed. I mean, who’s the real Hillary, right? And sure, as Greg Sargent pointed out, that was taken out of context and she was actually quoting a hymn which, while fairly cornball, isn’t particularly phonyish. But who cares. The genie’s out of the bottle and he ain’t coming back. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire; and all that.
Surely, Hillary’s tough enough to survive that, you must be saying. And she is. But then came the double-whammy: Hillary walks like a man. It’s true. I read it on the comment board myself, and before I knew it, was even spreading the meme by pretending to have seen a website that showed her posture while walking and that it was right next to a picture of a man walking and they looked almost identical. And who was that man? Adolph Hitler. It’s true. I said it.
And so now she’s done for. It’s over. We’re just going to have to let her go and find ourselves a smear-proof candidate. I mean, if it’s that easy for a big Hillary fan like me to start repeating that she’s a southern drawling phony with an Adolph Hitler man-walk, she’s screwed. And did I mention that she’s a calculating bitch with more skeletons in her closet than pantsuits? Or that she only uses one square of TP when she goes potty? And then there are the lesbo issues. Let’s face it, she hasn’t a hope.
So despite the fact that I think Hillary is the greatest presidential hopeful America has ever seen, it’s time that we all dump on her and leave her in the gutter like a rolled hobo.
And who do I have in mind as the perfect smear-free candidate? Who else: Jesus H. Christ. With that whole “He Who Hasn’t Thrown a Stone” thing, he’d be perfect; assuming we could get him to run as a Democrat. And sure, that whole hippy pacifist thing might not play so well in the red states, but there’s nothing that a tour of duty in Iraq won’t fix. And hell, maybe we can get him to pull a few strings with his old man to turn over Bin Laden right before the election; maybe give him the ol’ Jack Bauer treatment on live TV. That’ll put the fear of God into the GOP, so to speak.
And lest he worry that this be seen as a demotion or something, we could just give him Cheney’s old VP slot. He could run on the Biobrain ticket and be given all the rights and privileges of two branches of government, without any of those pesky checks or balances. In fact, while it’s probably premature to say anything, my people have been in talks with his people for some time about this. And while we haven’t gotten any definite response, my Beethoven bust started crying blood one day, and that’s got to mean something.
Anyway, long post short: Hillary’s out, Biobrain and Christ are in. And don’t be surprised if we get his dad out on the stump for us. He’s got a lot of pull in many parts of the south, I understand; and I really think we’ve got a good chance at regaining a lot of lost territory.