How Dick Cheney Saved the World

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain

Over at the ironically named Informed Comment, crackpot professor Juan Cole gives his bizarro-universe explanation of the whole Plame Game.  And you can tell he made it for liberal consumption, because he included lots of pictures.  Well I haven’t the time to figure out how to put pictures on this blog, but I’ll give you my own Plame Game summation.  But if it helps, you can imagine snarky photos in the appropriate places.

Here we go:

Once upon a time, some liberal Democrats at the behest of drunken murderer Ted Kennedy destroyed some documents that proved that Saddam had bought military-grade uranium (or “yellowcake”, named after the delicious smell it gives off right before it blows you up) in Nigeria, and replaced them with obvious forgeries.  They gave these forgeries to some Italian guy I never heard of, who somehow got them to the US embassy.

Dick Cheney heard about all this through his vast network of patriots and immediately set-off to entrap the libs who had destroyed the documents.  And while he was at it, he thought he might as well use the forgeries, because he knew them to represent what really happened.  What’s more important, he thought: Preventing a Muslim takeover of America through nuclear annihilation or stupid paperwork? And he was absolutely correct about that, and history has already vindicated his decision.

To set-up his trap, he gave these documents to Clinton-appointee George Tenet, knowing that Tenet had destroyed the once-revered CIA by making it a liberal bastion of weak-kneed America hatred.  Tenet fell for the ruse and handed the documents to his fellow Democrat, Valarie Plame; a long time anti-war subversive secretary who was of no importance whatsoever.  In fact, the best evidence that the CIA had been undermined by incompetent Clintonites is the fact that a desk jockey secretary was able to send her husband on a junket to Africa where he could simultaneously pick-up young boys while undermining our nation’s security.  Only in Clinton’s America.

And that’s exactly what he did.  He went to Nigeria.  Was told that Saddam’s people had been there looking for that delicious yellowcake uranium.  Sated his boylust.  And then reluctantly came back to our country, so he could smear America in the pages of the NY Crimes.  Thus, Cheney’s plan was working perfectly.

The next part of the plan was to set the record straight regarding Wilson and Plame, which would force the liberal Democrats to overplay their hand.  They would then appoint a stoolie to investigate the matter, have Libby lie to the stoolie, who would then convince a jury of ignorant Democrats to convict Libby for lying.

And sure, there was no underlying crime for Libby to obstruct, which would mean that Cheney shouldn’t have been able to get Libby into jail this way.  But he knew that in their Bush-hating rush to convict Libby, the stoolie and ignorant jury members wouldn’t let reality get in their way.  In fact, that is key to the secret pardon Bush issued the day Cheney devised this plan; as well as all the other secret pardons that Bush has issued for his entire administration.

Where to, Brutus

And thus ends Act I of our play.  Unfortunately, Act II is just beginning and I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you.  But in it, we’ll find out why Libby needed to go to prison, how Cheney tricked the pollsters into hiding Bush’s high approval ratings, what Rove’s really been doing for the past two years, and why Cheney allowed the Democrats to briefly take control of Congress.

And of course, Act III is the big finale, where the trap is finally snapped and all the liberal Democrats get shipped off to Gitmo; excepting the very few who attempt to put up a fight.  I know, I just spoiled the ending.  But really, the plan’s so good that knowing the ending just makes the unfolding that much more interesting. Trust me, I’ve seen the Powerpoint presentation and it’s just brilliant.

And so while Juan Cole’s little children’s story might make for scary bedtime material, the truth is that Cheney’s still large and in-charge, and that we’re all just puppets in the VP’s stageplay.  And if you don’t find that entirely reassuring, then you must be a liberal Democrat.