Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The Sales Plan

Check it out, guys! I have just come up with a GREAT business opportunity and I'm letting you, my loyal readers, in on the groundfloor. I can't actually tell you exactly what we'll be selling, because I haven't really figured that part out yet. I'm thinking it'll be something in the line of electric cars or perhaps a better iMac or possibly something involving space travel, I just don't know yet. But it doesn't matter, because I have got The Plan.

And yes, it deserves to be capitalized, because it is the plan to end all plans. With this sort of gameplan in operation, we can't lose no matter what we sell. And just to show you how much faith I have in this plan, I'll just tell you the whole thing right now, as I'm sure each and every one of you will want to invest once you hear it. But try to keep this just between us for now, as my competitors are certain to want to get in on this action and we're not yet far enough along to be able to fully implement our counter-measures at this time. Needless to say, my lawyers are working up the patent papers for this business strategy as we speak.

The Plan:
Kick ass! If somebody tries to stop the march of our products, we will seek them out and kill them! We must be tougher than hell! This Enron stuff, this is not even close. It is a mind-set. We can't send that message. It's an excuse to prepare us for withdrawal from the markets. There is a series of moments and this is one of them. Our will is being tested, but we are resolute. We have a better way. Stay strong! Stay the course! Kill them! Be confident! Prevail! We are going to wipe them out! We are not blinking!

Pretty good, huh? With a solid strategy like that behind us, we can't possibly fail. And the best part about it is that it's short and sweet and doesn't require lots of Powerpoints which I still have a little trouble with (somehow, they all turn up blank). And yes, this was just sort of a tweaking of President Bush's awesome plans for Fallujah, which as we all know eventually led to the awesome surge that has totally totally worked for us in Iraq. But hey, I don't think anybody has thought yet to implement Bush's brilliant strategy in the world of business, and if it's good enough for the United States Military, it's good enough for whatever it is that we'll be selling.

Anyway, I have no doubts that shares of my company will be selling like hotcakes, so you really need to take advantage of this now while you can. I've got a limited number of shares set aside for you guys at a special Loyal Reader price of $10,000 a share, so you know they aren't going to last forever, so you better pony up the cash now while you've got the chance. Don't Blink, order now!

Oh, and for all those who doubt Bush's prowess at understanding economics, I offer you these words of Bush wisdom I found at the bottom of that page:

"And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place."

Jobs at the machine-making place. Genius! It's like the perfect combination of Ralph Wiggum in Howdy Doody's body. And you can bet that's the kind of outside the box thinking I'll be using in my machine-making/space travel place. Invest now!


John said...

The machine-making place is in China...

Doctor Biobrain said...

Ahh, but the fact that they built the machine-making place means somebody had to design the place and the people who designed the machine-making place went to college in America. And when somebody goes to college, it means there's jobs serving them beer at the beer-serving place. And that's what a Republican presidency is all about: More beer-serving jobs for more Americans.