Wednesday, June 25, 2008

McCain's Millions and the Big Science Lotto

Hey folks, guess what! I’m rich!! Filthy sticking rich!! No, I don’t actually have the money quite yet, but it’s as good as mine. And who do I have to thank for this? None other than John "POW" McCain and the Good Ol’ American Spirit! That’s who.

And how did this come about? Because John McCain has come up with an ingenious scheme to finally give people a reason to develop a better battery in order to solve our energy crisis. While researchers have previously only focused on such practical research like extracting vanilla flavor from cow dung and discovering the side effects of sword swallowing, more abstract science like electric cars has really fallen by the wayside. But that’s all going to change now that McCain's offering $300 million for the lucky devil who figures out how to do it.

And who’s it going to be? Who else: Doctor “Super Battery” Biobrain, that’s who. This thing’s got my name written all over it. Sure, I don’t actually know much about batteries, but I know what I like. Like the difference between AA and AAA batteries. And that 9-volts aren’t round. And that you never seem to have enough C batteries, no matter how many you buy. Outside of that, I’m a bit lost. But now with $300 million on the line? I’m all over this shit like rats on cheese.

My Experiments

Of course, the wheel wasn’t invented in a day and my research since yesterday hasn’t been nearly as easy as I assumed it would be. My first thought was to just crazy glue fifteen D-sized batteries together and send it in to collect my prize, but I ended up getting my fingers stuck in the middle and kept getting a nasty shock every time I used it. And while some people might find that fun, that's probably not what McCain had in mind.

But that's alright, because when I was changing the bandages on my fingers, it made me realize that a big part of the problem with battery efficiency was with those hard metal casings they put them in. So what could be better than just removing the outside and then sticking them all together with crazy glue? Right, right? But unfortunately, every time I tried stripping them off, battery acid went flying everywhere and I once again found myself waking up in the emergency room. Not cool.

And that’s when I had a really big breakthrough based upon something the doctor said with a laugh, and so I immediately went home and started stuffing AAA batteries into my car battery; I could smell the money already. But it turned out that was really the smell of whatever it was coming out of the car battery and then the thing kind of exploded. It was about then that I understood why the doctor was laughing and made sure to have them take me to a different hospital this time. See, that's what science is all about: Learning from our mistakes.

And I've got to admit, this was all pretty depressing. The contest was announced yesterday, yet all I have to show for my effort is a huge medical bill and a full $35 wasted in expenses, not including the new car battery I’ll buy with my prize money. But as we all know, Americans are famous for not knowing the meaning of the word futility, so I’m not giving up yet. In fact, I finally went ahead and did a little research online and think I’ve got it. It turns out you can actually make a battery out of a potato, a penny, and some aluminum foil. It’s true. So guess what: I just bought a big ol’ bag of Idaho potatoes, a bunch of pennies, and two rolls of aluminum foil. And the best part about it is that, if your car breaks down, you’ve already got food and money to help save the day. Genius!

The Money Solution

So it looks like this is the kind of outside-the-box thinking we'll get from a President McCain. While Bush had no solution whatsoever to fix our energy problem, here McCain comes along with this utterly brilliant solution and he’s not even in office yet! All we had to do was promise to throw some money at whoever has fixed the problem and it’s as good as taken care of. Problem solved!

And best of all, no government intervention or Liberal Tax & Spend policies were involved to screw everything up. Just a lot of good old fashioned know-how and a huge, huge prize that will finally give someone the incentive to work on the problem. I’m just hoping that McCain decides to take this approach to ALL of our problems. Budget deficits, the war in Iraq, traffic, zits; we can cure ALL these woes by just offering a big enough reward. Why bother doing anything if you can just give a prize to someone else who has already done it?

Hell, I might just try that myself, and start offering rewards to anyone who can write good blogposts for me. Sure, I don’t make any money at this, which would make this a pretty expensive endeavor, but maybe I can offer someone a reward to explain how to make this deal profitable for me. It’ll work. It’s GOT to work. It’s all I’ve got.

P.S. If anyone wants to take any of these experiments and try to make them work, feel free to go for it. But remember, these blogposts are dated, so don't even think about ripping me off and I will NOT pay your medical expenses. You're on your own there, pal.

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