That’s right, the media brought me donuts, just like they did with John McCain but not Barack Obama. Why? Because they love me, of course. And why did this never get reported? Because they love me even more than they do John McCain, that’s why. Because they didn’t want this media admiration to become widely known. Because they wanted to keep their Biobrain-bias a big secret. And why do they love me so much? Because my barbeque is better than McCain’s barbeque, it was that simple.
Well, technically speaking, it wasn’t barbeque. I served them thick juicy t-bones from Texas cattle, grilled up to perfection by my own hands. And I’m sorry, but there’s no way some Arizona yahoo could possibly serve anything finer than a Texan’s Texas t-bones. Plus, I served them Shiner’s Bohemian Black Lager, my favorite of all of Shiner’s excellent beers. And if the juicy steaks didn’t do it, the Shiner Black must have. That was totally guaranteed.
And it was that simple. I told a few off-color jokes (that I know they'll never tell anyone about), made it clear that I was cooler than them but not too much cooler, and then prepared that awesome meal of steaks and beer. That’s all it took and I didn't even need a baked potato or nothing; just steaks and beer. And I can assure you that the presidency is now mine. How do I know? It was the donuts. I didn’t get no pansy ass Dunkin Donuts shit with sprinkles. Oh no, these were Long Johns, made at a real fucking bakery. Expensive ones. The kind that are so fatty and delicious that you can actually gain pounds just looking at them too long. And the standing ovation they gave me lasted two days. Two fucking days! They had to do it in shifts. It was magnificent.
I’m telling you, it was the steaks. That’s what won me the presidency. That's what works every time. Steaks, beer, and donuts. Democracy in action.