The Jobs Report: What a Crock!

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Doctor Biobrain’s Personal Assistant

Well it looks like Atrios’ voodoo curse on the unemployed didn’t work this month.  For those unable to stomach the filthy and virulent pus-mongering that Atrios peddles on a regular basis, I’ll explain.  

Each month, some governmental-type bureaucrats release a report ostensibly called The Employment Situation, which they presume is some kind of indicator of how the job markets are performing.  Naturally, this is a crock of turds, as government bureaucrats are the absolute last people to even understand what the concept of work entails, and would surely fail in cataloging how workers are succeeding under Bush.  Why else would they have to resort to make-work jobs with the government instead of putting their economics degrees to better use in the private sector?

And just to show you how utterly absurd this report is, if it were to be taken seriously, one would have to somehow believe that job growth under Bill Clinton’s disastrous presidency was somehow better than under George W. Bush’s glorious reign.  Yes, it’s true.  Now, this is clearly an absurdity that can’t be easily dismissed as coincidental.  I mean, come on!  Perhaps these rubes believe we were born yesterday, but I was alive during the 90’s and remember the time spent under Billary’s boot-heel as being one of the most onerous and hate-filled periods in modern history.  Things got so bad he was impeached, for christ’s sake, and I can’t imagine why historians haven’t already agreed to strike that period from our memories.  I know I have.  Perhaps they’re in on the fix too!  I shudder to think what the world will come to if we lose the historians, which is why I’ve taken the precaution of hiring my own.

And so it’s obvious that this jobs report is nothing short of the biggest sham ever pulled on the American people.  Yes, even worse than Algore’s attempt at stealing the 2000 election from the true Americans who actually deserve to elect their leaders.  The only real surprise in all this is that the Bush Administration hasn’t been more successful in squashing this dangerous report which clearly aides and abets America’s enemies.  But I guess that just goes to show us how truly dangerous and irrational the enemy within is and why we need to not listen to a word they say while we drag them into the streets and avenge ourselves upon them in America’s honor.  It’s the least we can do for Lady Liberty.

Dragging Down the Economy

And as a sign of how totally desperate and dangerous the liberal-extremist freaks like Atrios are, it’s not enough for them that this communistic report is created in the first place.  Oh no.  Sure, libs sic their bigdog bureaucrats to totally muck-up the job picture, but that’s still not enough.  No.  They have to cast their voodoo curse upon it, in a futile attempt to drag down the economy and get us one step closer to the “worker’s paradise” they imagine would best serve their Islamofascist gay overlords and their plans to annihilate the world’s populations to appease their bitter and impotent god, Allah.  Looks like someone could use a god who can actually smite his own enemies.

And so each month, Atrios deigns to wish down these meaningless numbers further by insisting that the job report will show fewer jobs than had been estimated by people whose sole job it is to undercut the employment figures by giving such poor estimates in the first place.  And it works.  Rather than showing the massive growth in employment due to Bush’s magnificent taxcuts and other economic stimulus programs (like the Iraq war), which liberals are all too happy to take advantage of; these reports show anemic growth.

Were they to ask for my estimates, I’d certainly put each month in the 500k range, at least.  I mean, how could it be otherwise?  Republicans have been in charge of Washington for over five years now, and their policies have surely paid off.  I myself have seen a huge jump in business to my pawnshops, and have become inundated with volunteers for my medical experiments.  What can I say, life is good.

But none of that is reflected in these so-called “job” reports.  Instead, they blather on about “nonfarm payrolls” and unemployed persons.  And sure, if you keep prattling about the unemployed, you’ll freak people out enough that they’ll fire all their employees and move their operations to one of those utopian factory islands in the Philippines, where all the natives dress in their traditional loincloths while happily sewing together my shoes.  Or so I would imagine, as my recent trip to one of these idyllic islands was cancelled after my good friend Jack Abramoff decided to confront his critics regarding his awesome lobbying prowess.  That’s an American hero we’re talking about, and I’m sure he’ll end-up having clearly bested his foes.  Go Jack!

The True Numbers

But back to that jobs report.  What a crock!  As I said, the economy has been bustling at a blinding clip for five years now, yet these make-work crackers in Washington would have us believe that a mere 128,000 jobs were created last month.  And sure, that’s 128,000 more jobs than any liberal has ever created (excepting that indentured servitude they obliquely refer to as the “Public Sector”), but I have few doubts that the true number isn’t five or six times that amount.  And while they undeniably demonstrate that Bush’s economic miracle is continuing unabated, they’re still not reflecting the true picture.  If only there was some way to actually calculate these numbers…

And let’s face-it, while these numbers could have been worse, it’s obvious that Atrios has achieved some success.  How else to explain how paltry they are?  Perhaps Atrios might argue that he can’t actually influence these numbers because they were determined by the prior month’s activities, and had already been finalized long before his prediction was made; but he can just save it.  Despite all of his protestations that he’s just a stupid blogger that has as much influence on the economy as a flea has on a dog, I’m just not having it.  Because why else would he do it?  He’s going to waste his precious fifteen minutes of fame in order to have no influence?  That makes no sense.  It’s obvious that he’s working his damnedest to bring down these numbers each month, and it’s equally obvious that he’s succeeding.  Again, why else would he bother?

So we can take it as a given that Atrios is sabotaging these numbers, which has got to be good for at least 60,000 jobs or so.  And if we factor-out the effects of the doom-mongering estimators who could only peg their naysaying at a lowly 125k without making it too obvious of what they were doing; then it’s clear that the true numbers are higher.  Much much higher, I imagine.  According to my back-of-the-napkin calculations, the actual job growth in August was 782,983.  And that’s just the private sector.  With the recent spate of unannounced terrorist catching Bush has been up to, I’d say that overall job growth, adjusted for seasonal employment, is at a cool million.  

That’s right.  You heard it here first.  And when historians go back and recalculate all of these numbers, they’ll certainly bear out what I’m saying.  I mean, Bush’s awesomeness alone is easily worth 250,000 jobs a month, and with Cheney constantly adding to his super-top-secret shadow government, I’d say the Whitehouse is directly responsible for almost half a million jobs a month.  That’s just common sense.  And while the biased perceptions of today’s heated political scene make it absolutely impossible to comprehend all of the intricacies of what’s actually going on around us, I’m confident that future history books will confirm everything I’ve said.

SABOTAGE!

And one last facet of this tepid (though still awesome) job growth is how much direct influence the evil liberal minority has over all of this.  I’m not just talking about evil-doers like Atrios who strive to influence these numbers in a futile bid to convince his Islamofascist overlords that he belongs in the caves with them, and not toiling away in the Great Satan which continues, despite his best efforts, to pull at the spot where his heart used to be.  No, I’m talking about liberals who intentionally sabotage our awesome economic growth by quitting their jobs at the coffeeshops and bookstores in order to injure our economic well-being.

According to Table A-8.  Unemployed persons by reason for unemployment, 13.6% of the unemployed people are unemployed because they quit their jobs.  Now, anyone paying attention will surely notice that 13.6% is almost the exact number of liberal scumbags currently residing in our country.  The implications are obvious.  This works out to 935,000 people.  And what would happen if these 935,000 people hadn’t left their jobs?  Rather than a measly 128,000 jobs added, we’d have seen that number at over one million.  One million jobs.  The exact amount, I might add, that I had just predicted we’d find for job growth in August.  Simply amazing.

And with that piece of the puzzle in place, it’s obvious to see what’s really going on here.  This isn’t a sign of economic distress.  This is sabotage.  Economic sabotage by angry, irrational people who would rather suck at the government’s teat than to work harder at making George Bush look like the success that we all really know he is.  

It’s the same thing with Bush’s “low” approval ratings.  Sure, they’re low, on a historical comparison.  But how much of that number is merely liberals expressing their displeasure at living in the greatest country in the world?  And then there are the me-too people, who are simply pretending to be upset with Bush because they see it as the trendy thing to do.  And so when you factor out the traitors who want to ruin America and other mindless miscreants, we’d clearly see Bush’s approval ratings in the high 90’s.  Possibly higher.

So rather than these numbers being indicators of trouble for Bush, commonsense tells us that they just demonstrate how terribly desperate liberals are; that they waste all their energies trying to defeat Bush, and the best they can do is alter a few meaningless numbers that they invented.  These are clearly the last throes of a desperate enemy.

God’s Plan

So isn’t it obvious what this is about?  Of course.  Libs don’t care about our successes.  How else to explain why they never see it?  For them, life since Bush took over has been an ever-spiraling descent into oblivion, and this is just another futile attempt at bringing the rest of us down with them.  That’s why they’re always so obsessed with “unemployment figures” and “median wages”, when all the important numbers are positive.  GDP growth is gangbusters.  Productivity is better than it’s ever been in history.  And the double-secret stock portfolio of my Bimini-based mutual fund business is just bursting with success; or so I’ve been told by the conch fisherman who agreed to “own” it.  

Yet for all this, liberals incessantly whine about how bad things are doing for the “common” man.  Hogwash.  If a college-educated super-genius from an affluent family like me can succeed, what’s stopping anyone else?  This isn’t an issue of equality, but of perspective.  Where others decry lowering standards of living and deepening hardships, I see opportunity.  Sure, not everyone can just start-up their own interest-only loan business, but that makes it all the better for those of us who can.  After all, had God not wanted some people to fail, he would never have invented Supply & Demand.

And so what if the losers fail?  That’s what losers are supposed to do; hence the word “loser”.  And if we could all be winners, it would really detract from all the times that I won; which is all the time.  I’m a clear beneficiary of Bush’s economic plan, and I get very angry when people try to knock my success by suggesting that my business model is “immoral”, as if there’s something inherently wrong with coercing desperate people into usurious contracts which are intentionally designed to suck as much money from them as possible, while denying them the ability to actually pay-off the original debt.  Hey, if I didn’t think it was a good way to make money, I wouldn’t do it.

Zero-Sum Game

And so that’s what this is all about.  Atrios doesn’t give a flip about jobs.  Hell, he’d have to have had one first for this to be of any concern to him.  No, this is about revenge.  Revenge against Bush and revenge against America.  These people are all self-haters who would rather destroy everything good in the world than to try to take advantage of it.  Who see exploitation where we see opportunity.  And who would rather lament the poor fortunes of the common-man than to lift a finger to show him the way to the Day Laborers site where I get my volunteers.  

Shame on you, Atrios.  And shame on your infamous legions.  They may hate America with all their souls, but they’re really only hating themselves.  And for all the time they waste whining about poor conditions for the “working man” as an attempt to harm America, they could be taking advantage of these grand opportunities.  Just try hiring a manservant during periods of high employment.  Impossible.  But these days, they’re a dime a dozen.  Literally.  You just have to visit the right countries.  

And so it’s no wonder that ignoramuses like Atrios are so angry and rude.  Life must be pretty tough when you have to wash your own ballsack.  They say that economics is a “zero-sum game”, which can be roughly translated as meaning that libs are trying to screw me over.  And the longer the angry Atrios’ of the world continue to spew-out their obscene traitorisms about low job growth and depressed wages, one thing will be certain: I’ll be doing good.  

And in the end, isn’t that what it’s really all about?  Libs can rely on their meaninglessly subjective reports if they want to, but I think I’ll just stick with my gut.  And right now, my gut is full.