How does the Easter Bunny get into the house? There’s a full-scale mythology about Santa getting into the house; all about him using magic to squeeze into the chimney and how he gets his bottomless bag of toys down the thing. And there’s all kinds of auxiliary stories regarding how he deals with fires in the fireplace, how he gets into apartments, his fog-busting freaknose, etc. But what about the Easter Bunny? Doesn’t he have these problems? Doesn’t he need to get into the house? Why doesn’t anyone discuss this? And why does everyone have some excuse for leaving the room whenever I bring this up? Riddle me that!
And what about the whole traveling thing? Santa’s got reindeer. Magical reindeer. And there’s this whole mythology regarding how he gets around to all those houses in one night. There’s stuff about string theory and faster-than-light travel. Being in an infinite number of places at the same instant. All kinds of cool stuff. What does the Easter Bunny have? Fuck if I know. He’s just a fucking bunny. Sure, he’s large. But that can’t help him any in his quest to get from house to house. He’d keep hitting everything, and there’s more surface-to-air friction. He’d burn up before he even finished the first subdivision.
And maybe there’s some lubricant he uses to smooth out the friction. Or perhaps he too has the whole being-in-infinite-places-simultaneously thing, just like Santa. Or maybe he’s got some shit that we can’t even imagine. But whatever it is, I don’t know about it. I’ve been dealing with this Easter Bunny character for over three decades, and I don’t know shit about him. I don’t know what he eats. I don’t know where he lives. And I sure don’t know how he gets into my house or how he even gets here. Can you really swear that he has good intentions? How do we know he’s not got more than candy up his sleeves? Or does he walk around naked in my house? He’s like six feet tall, so his wang must be at least a good two feet. And he’s just schlonging that along in my living room? In my living room?? Just so he can give my kids some candy and hope they eat some hard-boiled eggs? Whatever.
Oh, and another thing: Is the Easter Bunny wrong for not caring about our morals, or is Santa Claus a micromanaging twit? I mean, why is Santa so obsessed with our goodness? My god, the man checks his list twice to see who’s been nice. But the Easter Bunny, he doesn’t seem to give a shit. He gives to everyone. Hell, he’ll happily pass out edible replicas of himself, just to make you happy. It’s like he’s just asking for trouble. I’ve never eaten rabbit before, but he’s done a damn fine job of training me for the experience. I’d start by eating off the ears and working my way down from there. And even your most strict vegetarian would do the same damn thing. I wonder if maybe he’s trying to pare down the competition.
But again, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. I’ve fucking boiled eggs and colored quite a few. I’ve had my kids create Easter baskets and I’ve prepared a fine ham dinner for tonight. But I don’t know jackshit about the main dude of the day. My kids have posed on his lap, but I don’t even know if he’s been to college. Or if he has a wife. Or if there are any sweet but savvy rodents or helper bees that hang out at his pad. Or if he even has a house. I don’t know anything. I’m working in a complete vacuum here, and I don’t like it. This isn’t right. This bunny can’t be allowed to do this. This may be his time of the year, but I really need a little more info to bring me back into the comfort zone on this one.
I mean, shit; the only thing I really know about rabbits is that they fuck a lot. Lots of babies. And is that really the kind of influence I want around my kids? I’ve got two teenagers, and I want a fuck machine hanging around the house dropping off chocolate and acting like he owns the place? Whatever. Or with my four year-old. I want her all in on the whole making-like-rabbit action? Disgusting. This isn’t what I got into the whole parenting business for. This isn’t it at all.
Sure, I liked the Easter Bunny and Santa a lot when I was on the receiving end. But this giving-end stuff really changes the whole equation. I’ve got to worry about the security of my family, and I’m no longer so cool with this shit when I don’t know what I’m agreeing to. Are you really so sure that Santa isn’t stealing a few of our babies? We’re only talking like 0.00000000001% of the population. Who’s to say that any of these givers aren’t doing just a little bit of taking? Santa I suppose we can maybe trust to do the right thing. I don’t know why, but the guy is a saint and everything. But a giant bunny?? That’s fucking crazy. This isn’t something I can put my faith in. The whole chimney thing is dubious enough; but without knowing enough about this bunny fellow, I really don’t think I’m so comfortable. I mean, my cats have lived here for a few months, and they haven’t figured out how to get in at night. What chance does the Easter Bunny have for figuring this shit out, when he’s got to go to a few million houses in one night? And can you really promise me that he’s not an alien? How can you know? All this is too crazy.
Anyway, my orange juice-gin-vodka has runout and the others are too busy watching Jeepers Creepers 2; so it looks like I’m going to have to make my own drink. But don’t worry, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I swear, I’ll get to the bottom of this.