Thursday, September 11, 2008

No Sex For Oil

Well I just read the story about the Interior Department employees and their sex, drugs, and bribes scandal and what can I say; I guess we need to be opening our coasts to offshore drilling. What other choice do we have? I mean, we just can't compete with this kind of stuff and it's obvious the only reason the oil brokers would be doing this is because they're so desperate to get oil. To suggest otherwise is to believe that it can also rain up.

And shit, I kind of suspect that even our coasts won't be enough. If this was just a drugs & bribes scandal, perhaps yes. But if these oil brokers are going to go through the trouble of having sex with government employees, it's obvious we've got a very serious oil problem. Oh sure, these companies might be putting up a good front, what with their record profits and huge stockholder dividends. But it's obvious they're just going through the motions so as to not panic the rest of us. But chivalry aside, we need to get these people more oil...a lot more oil.

And where else can that be than a complete invasion of Venezeula, starting with Mexico and working our way down? And shit, wouldn't nuking China back to the stone-age be a good start towards freeing up precious oil reserves? Of course it would. As would the destruction of Mecca. And hey, I'm as peaceful a dude as anyone, but facts are facts. These oil companies are in desperate need for oil and money and if we don't get it to them fast, this stuff is just going to get worse.

And who knows where this will end up. I foresee oil companies setting up houses of prostitution, gun smuggling, possibly even turning to atheism...or worse! Yeah, it could easily get that bad. And so opening up our shores is the least we can do to help sate the appetite of these over zealous oil angels. And really, who is to blame for this problem? Supply & Demand is an immutable force of nature. Is this really the fault of the oil brokers, who wanted nothing more than to help America thrive against our aggressive foreign enemies? Or is the real problem the environmentalist do-gooders who made these evil deeds necessary? And if it's the latter, isn't it about time we string them up by their thumbs until they repent? I say, it is.

P.S. Aren't y'all glad that I'm a liberal and don't work for the Darkside? I could really make a killing by pumping out this kind of counter-intuitive crap all day long. I could single-handedly replace Maggie Gallagher, Jonah Goldberg, and David Brooks; and could even out-loon Peggy Noonan if the money was right. Ahh, if I only had no soul.

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