The Dog Ate My Brain

As an update to my last post, my current endeavour to solve our energy crisis by inventing a new form of energy is going very well, thanks to my experiment earlier today of pouring gallons and gallons of crude oil on large bails of thousand dollar bills and setting it on fire atop the largest energy research lab in the country. My handlers seem to think this was a stroke of genius, though apparently, opinions vary. The folks in that research lab, for example, have decided to put partisanship ahead of their country and have expressed great hostility to the plan I put forth. As usual, we'll let history be the judge on this one.

Of course, I am still currently weighing the pros and cons of all the viable options, including the Crude Oil Money Bonfire on Competitor plan, and have no official solution as to what I think we should do. So in the meantime, I have decided that it's in the nation's best interest if I suspend all of my brain activities until I am able to figure out some good way to claim this as a victory for myself. I just hope that my competitors agree to do the same, at least the ones who weren't killed earlier today in my energy experiment, anyway.

Our country's future is too important to allow partisan bickering get in the way of having everyone anoint me King of Everything, and I will hold my breath as long as I have to in order to make that happen. Not for myself, mind you. Just to make sure that everyone gives me everything I need...for the good of the country. After all, I'm the only one who can solve this crisis, even if I don't have the slightest clue as to how to go about that. But if any of y'all have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments section. Thanks a bunch.