Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Ware's War and the Preemptive Rhetoric Doctrine

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain

Carpetbagger’s got the latest stink on AP “reporter” Michael Ware and his War on McCain.  For those who haven’t paid attention, Ware first undermined McCain’s great news that Baghdad is safe for Americans by recklessly pointing out that it wasn’t safe and insisted the idea was laughable.  Then it was reported that Ware drunkenly heckled McCain at a press conference at which McCain left the first time Ware tried to say anything.  

And as Carpetbagger now says, the AFP reported that Ware giggled once during that same press conference that the AFP reporter says Ware wasn’t the giggler at.  Wow.  Damning stuff.  And as a blogger at Red State suggests, Ware owes us all a big apology, once it’s confirmed that he did what we already know he didn’t do.  And all this goes to show how prescient us eagle-eyed conservatives are, that we can demand apologies for things we had the foresight to prevent from ever happening.  It’s called Preemptive Rhetoric, which refuses to allow the stupid libs from getting off the hook, simply because they didn’t do anything.  Good job McCain and Red State.

But that’s not at all.  Because it now turns out that Ware not only raised his eyebrows in a harshly skeptical manner at least twice before McCain entered the room, but he also cleared his throat in a really obvious fashion; which totally set the tone for everyone else in the room.  And then it turned out that Ware’s breath simply reeked of mouthwash, which is evidence that he’s not only a drunk, but a cheap one at that.  And I know all this to be true because I made it all up myself over at Carpetbagger’s.  Simply disgusting.

I’m sorry, but if we can’t even trust reporters to keep their eyebrows unbiased and their bloodstreams clean, we’re just going to have to replace them all with transcription machines. A free press is nice, but we’re at war, people. And even the slightest gesture is enough to encourage the Islamofascists to send every one of our buildings crashing down. I’m not saying that Michael Ware shouldn’t be allowed to report from Iraq, but only that he can’t be. We’ve got too much at stake to allow these people the freedom to doubt us; even if their doubt is only expressed by things they didn’t do or say.  Yes, this war is that important.


Anonymous said...

WOw, you must have a great nose to detect mouthwash all the way in Bagdad

Doctor Snedley said...

Indeed I do. Thank you.