Thursday, August 17, 2006

Judge Oprah Speaks

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Doctor Biobrain’s Personal Assistant

Once again, Glenn Greenwald is two boats short of an armada.  Some whackjob judge tries to put the kibosh on President Bush’s terrorist BBQ, and Greenwald’s all going apeshit with the idea that this somehow sticks.  Look folks, President Bush didn’t appoint Judge Bin Laden.  Carter did.  And you freakos might be stuck in the 70’s, but our judicial system sure ain’t, and guess what?  Carter ain’t President any more.  Bush is.  And as I already said, Bush didn’t appoint the judge.  So that means that she don’t stand for dittily squat!  If Carter wants to follow her advice, that’s fine.  Let him get blown-up by freedom-hating terrorists.  But Bush’s got his own judges and they’d never make such a traitorous blunder as Carter’s clearly has.  Bush says that the FISA courts cramp his style, and there’s not a judge alive I would agree with who would say any different.

Now maybe Carter’s judge has got some magic time machine to make this decision retroactive to the time that someone gave a damn about anything she might have to say, but one thing is clear: George Bush did not appoint this woman.  Not only that, but she’s black.  A black woman no less.  Now as you know, I’m the least racist and sexist person on the face of the earth.  That goes without saying.  I’ve often been known to admire many women of color, particularly at night clubs and in magazines.  With their big booties and hotpants, they can be quite a turn on.  But a courtroom ain’t a nightclub and we don’t need no terrorists crying on Judge Oprah’s shoulders.  I’m not trying to suggest that a black woman couldn’t have made the right decision in this case; only that a white man would have done better.

But somehow all this eludes Mr. Greenwald.  Rather than noticing that her “qualifications” clearly nullify any opinion she might possibly have, he starts discussing it in all kinds of legally talk.  As if it even meant something!  Going as far as to give a point-by-point breakdown of what this judge said, including actual quotes!!  Who is he kidding?  Again for those in the cheap seats: Black…Woman…Carter.  What else needs to be said?  It’s like they’re using the cast of Soul Train as a jury pool!  And why use the proxies?  Why not just ask OBL what he has to say about all this?  Heck, maybe Carter can just use that time machine to appoint Bin Laden himself to the post and we won’t need to bother knocking down Traitor Greenwald’s lawman routine.  We could just lock him up and order the beer.

Again, I’m not trying to suggest that there’s anything wrong with women judges, or even the ones who don’t happen to be white.  I’m not such a Neanderthal that I’m unwilling to appreciate the presence of the feminine gender in the courtroom.  Particularly the ones who wear hotpants under their robes.  I’m just saying that we need to get rid of the ones who don’t come up with the right decisions.  You can only be so wrong about this stuff until you realize that you’re just wrong.  And as I was saying at the beginning, this wouldn’t have happened with a Bush appointee.  He would have come up with the white decision and it would have been all over and done with.  We could be lining the streets with dead Muslims within the week.  If only…

But instead, we’re just seeing the opening skirmish in a long drawn-out battle which surely will not end within our lifetime, or even the next.  Judge Al Qaeda naturally sided with our enemies in Round One (which could be the only possible reason why Carter appointed her), and President Bush now just has to play the waiting game.  Maybe it won’t be this term, maybe not the next.  We may even have to replace Cheney.  But one thing is inevitable: Bush will prevail!  And in the meantime, we just need to continue to ignore these mosquito-esque attacks from the “judicial” branch; while continuing to keep our eyes on the prize.  We will win this battle.  And after we finally remove this weapon from the terrorists’ arsenal, we can finally begin to focus on the enemy within: Liberals.  And those FISA courts will sure come in handy then.

5 comments:

Jesus said...

I'd love to see you on FOXNews saying this. The Republicans deserve to be credited with you. You think this woman who is black can't make as good a legal argument as a white man. That isn't racist or sexist at all. The whole country needs to know that this is how the Republicans really feel about women and blacks. They're OK, but not as smart as men and whites.

Devastating critique you got here.

Good God you're a rube.

kootcoot said...

I think you are being facetious - aren't you? I took this post seriously at first reading, I mean you sound right on message with Allen and the guy with his army story explaining that black folk can't swim.

I love it, even if you are serious, I'll be coming back for laughs. Otherwise, if you are capable of speaking on camera you should consider applying to be Colbert's backup for when he takes holidays.

mds said...

Good grief, Jesus, if that is your real name, you need to stop in to the archives at Fafblog! Giblets is apparently some sort of universe-hating wingnut. And I shudder to think what you'd make of General JC Christian's schtick at his blog. I mean, hotpants under judical robes, people. How do you even find this site if you don't get it?

Is satire truly dead? Has it really become that hard to tell the difference? Hmm, great. Now I'm even more depressed.

Arne Langsetmo said...

Look folks, President Bush didn’t appoint Judge Bin Laden.

Have to admit it's hard to argue with such sterling rhetoric. Hell, I think you could improve on your 'argument' if you accuse her of being "dark-skinned" and an "affirmative action" aberration.

And you freakos might be stuck in the 70’s, but our judicial system sure ain’t, and guess what? Carter ain’t President any more.

OIC. So when the Dems take over the White House, Thomas, Scalia, Roberts, and Alito are history, eh? Thanks for the civics lesson. I didn't know that.

Nice satire, BTW. But prolly far too subtle for the RW foamers to discern. They're not known for the subtlety of their abilities of discernment.

Cheers,

Pometacom said...

Even gloating can be hard on the heart, so take it easy.

If anyone wants, and I encourage it, read the entire decision. It's posted as a PDF on the ACLU website now. I am actually starting to like stare decisis, so long as the Justice quotes Hugo Black and William Orville Douglas.

Justice Taylor is very smart. She knew her decision, whatever it said, would be attacked by the DOJ as soon as the toner dried. So she built in redundancy (ie. even if it is struck down on this basis, it still holds on this basis). And the bases are sound. The basis is the Constitution itself.

I like Justice Taylor because she framed her decision to call in the bluff and the bet put forth by the NSA and Team Bush -- that the Constitution is really just a long list of "suggestions" and "recommendations" -- sort of like a corporate mission statement.

So the Court of Appeals will have to hunt for small-scale technical stuff to overturn, or announce that a huge, massive amount of keystone American jurisprudence going back to the founding of this country was wrong. As in the founders did intend the President to be a sovereign king above the law. Good luck with that.