Judge Oprah Speaks

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Doctor Biobrain’s Personal Assistant

Once again, Glenn Greenwald is two boats short of an armada.  Some whackjob judge tries to put the kibosh on President Bush’s terrorist BBQ, and Greenwald’s all going apeshit with the idea that this somehow sticks.  Look folks, President Bush didn’t appoint Judge Bin Laden.  Carter did.  And you freakos might be stuck in the 70’s, but our judicial system sure ain’t, and guess what?  Carter ain’t President any more.  Bush is.  And as I already said, Bush didn’t appoint the judge.  So that means that she don’t stand for dittily squat!  If Carter wants to follow her advice, that’s fine.  Let him get blown-up by freedom-hating terrorists.  But Bush’s got his own judges and they’d never make such a traitorous blunder as Carter’s clearly has.  Bush says that the FISA courts cramp his style, and there’s not a judge alive I would agree with who would say any different.

Now maybe Carter’s judge has got some magic time machine to make this decision retroactive to the time that someone gave a damn about anything she might have to say, but one thing is clear: George Bush did not appoint this woman.  Not only that, but she’s black.  A black woman no less.  Now as you know, I’m the least racist and sexist person on the face of the earth.  That goes without saying.  I’ve often been known to admire many women of color, particularly at night clubs and in magazines.  With their big booties and hotpants, they can be quite a turn on.  But a courtroom ain’t a nightclub and we don’t need no terrorists crying on Judge Oprah’s shoulders.  I’m not trying to suggest that a black woman couldn’t have made the right decision in this case; only that a white man would have done better.

But somehow all this eludes Mr. Greenwald.  Rather than noticing that her “qualifications” clearly nullify any opinion she might possibly have, he starts discussing it in all kinds of legally talk.  As if it even meant something!  Going as far as to give a point-by-point breakdown of what this judge said, including actual quotes!!  Who is he kidding?  Again for those in the cheap seats: Black…Woman…Carter.  What else needs to be said?  It’s like they’re using the cast of Soul Train as a jury pool!  And why use the proxies?  Why not just ask OBL what he has to say about all this?  Heck, maybe Carter can just use that time machine to appoint Bin Laden himself to the post and we won’t need to bother knocking down Traitor Greenwald’s lawman routine.  We could just lock him up and order the beer.

Again, I’m not trying to suggest that there’s anything wrong with women judges, or even the ones who don’t happen to be white.  I’m not such a Neanderthal that I’m unwilling to appreciate the presence of the feminine gender in the courtroom.  Particularly the ones who wear hotpants under their robes.  I’m just saying that we need to get rid of the ones who don’t come up with the right decisions.  You can only be so wrong about this stuff until you realize that you’re just wrong.  And as I was saying at the beginning, this wouldn’t have happened with a Bush appointee.  He would have come up with the white decision and it would have been all over and done with.  We could be lining the streets with dead Muslims within the week.  If only…

But instead, we’re just seeing the opening skirmish in a long drawn-out battle which surely will not end within our lifetime, or even the next.  Judge Al Qaeda naturally sided with our enemies in Round One (which could be the only possible reason why Carter appointed her), and President Bush now just has to play the waiting game.  Maybe it won’t be this term, maybe not the next.  We may even have to replace Cheney.  But one thing is inevitable: Bush will prevail!  And in the meantime, we just need to continue to ignore these mosquito-esque attacks from the “judicial” branch; while continuing to keep our eyes on the prize.  We will win this battle.  And after we finally remove this weapon from the terrorists’ arsenal, we can finally begin to focus on the enemy within: Liberals.  And those FISA courts will sure come in handy then.