Monday, March 31, 2008

Screw Abe Lincoln!

You heard me: Screw Abe Lincoln! I just read a quote from Hillary where she insists that Obama's supporters want her to drop out in order to stop people from voting.

I quote:
"My take on it is a lot of Senator Obama's supporters want to end this race because they don't want people to keep voting," she told CBS affiliate KTVQ in Billings, Mont. "That's just the opposite of what I believe. We want people to vote. I want the people of Montana to vote, don't you?"

And that got me thinking, the guy who would be the absolute best Democratic presidential nominee right now would be none other than Honest Abe Lincoln. I mean, he's got firmly established Republican credentials, yet would surely agree with us on what a disaster his party made of everything. Plus, he's got the word "Honest" in his name, which my pollsters say scores HUGE in our focus groups. He'd be perfect!

But why can't we vote for him? Because the f-er went and got himself assassinated, that's why. And why did he do that? Why else, because he wanted to deny us the right to vote for him, the bastard! And that's just the opposite of what I believe. I want people to vote. I want the people of America to vote for Abrham Lincoln. And the fact that he purposefully ensured that he wouldn't be on the ballot by up and dying has got me really peeved. I mean, seriously peeved. He might have been all about freeing the slaves and ensuring the right of people everywhere to put on stupid hats without feeling self-conscious, but where is he now that we need him to end the war in Iraq or fix our economy? Chilling out in the Lincoln Memorial no doubt, with that hottie wife of his. This is total BS! Totally!

But I'm not through with this at all. Not by a longshot. I'm taking this all the way to the Credentials Committee. You heard me: The Credentials Committee! That's right, bitches. This is going HARDCORE. I don't even care if I have to invent human cloning, raise an Abraham Lincoln from birth to adulthood, travel with him in my time machine, just so I can come back to this moment and insert Lincoln into the presidential race and then loudly denounce the guy in front of everyone for being such a big phony who intentionally denied Americans the right to vote for the nominee of their choice. I'll do it. I really will. You haven't heard the last of this. Not by a longshot. Abe picked the wrong damn mad scientist to screw with. He will surely rue this mistake.

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