Commies v Freedom Haters (or: Why We Should Kill Iran)

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain

Only a leftist pinko freak like Fareed Zakaria could compare Stalin and Mao killing millions of Communists with Iranian Dictator Ahmadinejad's intended scheme to kill millions of Americans. As if! What Fareed fails to appreciate is that Americans value human life and think it's really something special and sacred, and that's what makes it so much worse to kill us than to kill godless warmongers like the Communists. We're just not like other people.

Sure, at the time we were a bit skittish that Stalin and Mao might break out of their commie-killing ways and start hurting real people, but history has shown that not to be the case. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, Stalin and Mao killed more communists between the two of them than The Duke himself (though this point is still hotly contested). In that light, I'm not exactly sure why we shouldn't be honoring these two for the fine work they did saving us from the Red Menace. Sure, some of their tactics may have been a bit on the harsh side, but that just goes to show how forward-thinking they were; which looks particularly prescient now that the world finally faces a real threat that might just undermine our very existence. Again, they usually just did those things to Communists, which is yet more reason to hail them as heroes.

Ahmadinejad, on the other hand, is one of history's greatest monsters (second only to Jimmy Carter). I once saw Ahmadanajed, or someone who looked alot like him, spit in an old woman's face while stealing the ice cream from a little kid...and it was nuclear-flavored ice cream. Just think about what he meant by that. I also saw him once cheat at Poker and then act all outraged when he got caught, the filthy liar. And then there was that whole visiting Ground Zero thing, which I have a vague recollection of turning out quite badly for freedom. I think he also insulted gay people, which is something only Americans are allowed to do. In other words, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a very bad man.

And so that's how things stack up. On the one side, we have a couple of flawed heroes who are most famous for killing millions of Communists, and on the other side, a monster who spits on old ladies and doesn't return the clothes he borrows. Sure, some people will say that Communists deserve to live as much as anyone else; and those people would naturally be Communists. They might also say that slaughtering millions of people is just brutal and unethical, and that Ahmadienjad's crimes pail in comparison. But the difference for me is how personal Ahmadenigad's offenses are. Anyone can decide on a whim to allow people he never met to be slaughtered wholesale. But it takes a real madman to be cruel in somebody's face.

And that's who we're dealing with when we talk about Ahmadienjad, even if I'm really just confusing him with that smelly guy from the dorms who kept beating me at pool all those years ago. I'll show you, my hairy tormentor! Sure, I may have kept choking when trying to sink the eight-ball, but at least my country isn't going to get the turds bombed out of it. And that's exactly what's going to happen to yours, by god, no matter how many of those pissant countries I have to bomb to do it! And that's why Fareed Zakaria can go stuff himself. Cause it's payback time, and I'm not going to let some commie-loving peacefreak spoil my good time. We'll see who'll be choking now.