Exploratory Committee Confirmation

I can’t go into any details right now, but I just wanted to confirm the rumors that have been swirling around me for the past few days.  The answer: Yes.  My exploratory committee has indeed formed an exploratory committee too see about forming yet another exploratory committee for my presidential run.  And I have assurances that this isn’t just a make-work program by my other exploratory committees to drain my pockets, but is, in fact, going to be the most awesomely impressive way to launch my presidential bid…assuming the exploratory committees’ exploration confirms that I’ve got the presidency locked-up.  Or whatever it is that exploratory committees do.  They never did get around to explaining how this was really supposed to work, beyond the need for lots more exploratory committees.

But no matter what, I should stress that I am not officially running.  Not yet, anyway.  It’ll take a few more exploratory committees before I’ll be in a position to do anything so bold.  I thought it only appropriate that you people were the first to know.  Wish me luck!

Oh, and if anyone out there wants to form an exploratory committee on my behalf; go for it.  I can use as many committees as I can get.  Obama may have stolen my thunder so far, but I plan to beat him on the committee front.

Presidential Exploratory Committee Dissolved

Sorry gang, but my presidential exploratory committee’s presidential exploratory committee has spoken: There will be no further presidential exploratory committees.  Everything was pushing ahead like gangbusters and the early polling showed me winning Iowa in a blow-out.  But as it turns out, none of these committees had counted on a certain Ms. Clinton to be entering the race, and now that she has, any presidential run by myself is considered entirely superfluous.  Apparently, we cover too much of the same political territory, and they felt that Hillary just did too many of the things right that I did wrong.  Like being on TV and not being an unknown blogger.  So I am now officially dissolving all of my exploratory committees and putting an end to any talks of a presidential run for 2008.  I know, go ahead and cry a little.  I’ll wait.

But don’t worry.  I am currently working on the formation of my newest exploratory committee to explore the prospects of forming exploratory committees for a possible vice-presidential run.  No promises, but preliminary guesstimates put our best chances at hooking up on a Sharpton or McCain ticket.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  One’s a bit of a disreputable flake, and the other has negro issues that might not play so well in the Deep South, but no one else is returning my phone calls and both promise that their buses are catered.  And that’s always important.  

McCain especially liked that I could talk about the surge option with a straight face, and was hoping I could bring him my home state of Texas and thus free him up to focus on the East Coast Pundit vote, which he thinks is crucial for the general election.  I myself am just interested in getting the fat salary and free travel on Air Force Two.  A match made in Heaven.  And after that, I’m just a bullet away from taking the top spot; and I think you know where you come in on that plan.  And then it’s free booze and taxcuts for everyone!  Wish me luck.

The Big News

I just got some great great news from my presidential exploratory committee, I mean really fantastic stuff. As you all know, my presidential exploratory committee's exploratory committee decided some time ago to give the go ahead on forming an exploratory committee to do the groundwork in determining if I should run for president. And we've got their announcement tentatively scheduled to be made at midnight on November 3 announcing that I am, in fact, running for president. That way, we've got a sort of November Surprise that saps all the news coverage in our favor right before the election. At the same time, we're filing an injunction against the Republican and Democratic parties using the all-powerful RICO laws in order to pushback the election to the time of our choosing. Of course, I can't have any of you blabbing this about, or it'll ruin the surprise. But needless to say, this will definitely be giving us the Big Mo we'll need to win in December.

But as it turns out, because we had this big plan already laid out, that really didn't give much for my presidential exploratory committee to do. I mean, I wouldn't have bothered with all this if I hadn't expected to be crowned elected president by the end of it all. So this kind of left them with a lot of freetime on their hands, and holy shit did they make the most of their time. So I'm now proud to announce that Barack Obama has agreed to be my running mate and will soon be the next Vice President of the United States of America.

That's right, my people rang up Barack on his cellphone (it's a listed number) and discovered that he was a bit freaked-out at the idea that he actually won the nomination and was hoping for some kind of easy out. It turns out he was only in it for the chicks and hadn't realized anyone would take him seriously. And so not only has Mr. Obama hopped on the Biobrain BioTrain, but he's also promised me all his delegates. So guess what guys, I'M GOING TO BE PRESIDENT!!! Woohoo! Overnight stays in the Lincoln bedroom will be issued on a first come, first serve basis, so you better leave your reservation requests here in the comments section. See you in D.C.!!!

Doctor Biobrain: Republican Dreamboat

I know you people have been clamoring to hear the latest news on my presidential exploratory committee’s exploratory committee, and we’ve finally had a breakthrough: As of next week, I am officially announcing the formation of my presidential exploratory committee. That’s right. I’m taking the plunge. I have now joined the ranks of the Presidential Nominee Possibilities.

But wait, it gets better. One of the key points that my PECEC stressed was the fact that there’s already too much overlap in the crowded Democratic field. Sure, no one yet has grabbed the blogger CPA with Sci-Fi Name gimmick yet. But all the same, the proper combination of Hillary’s and Barrack’s resume (less the whole political experience and fame thing) was a straight facsimile of what I would have been running on. I was superfluous before I even entered the race.

But…there was hope: Running as a Republican. That field of losers is so weak and flip-floppish that my committee saw absolutely no reason why a devout liberal atheist couldn’t dominate the field and sweep on into the Whitehouse in 2008.

In that regard, my resume looks perfect. I’m tall, but not freakishly tall like Thompson. You can land jet fighters on my shoulders, which aren’t as big as Romney’s 747’s, but certainly more patriotic. I’ve got the body of a third-string NFL quarterback and could kick the ass of any of the Republican nominees, and would be quite happy to do so…again and again. (Not that I’m a violent person, but I’ve got to win those debates somehow.) I’ve never held political office so no one can hold my record against me. I don’t use cologne or aftershave, so I smell like 100% man-sweat most of the time. And best of all, I’m from Texas. So suck on that, all you yankee fruitcakes!

Sure, there’s this whole leftwing blog thing which some liberal assassins at Media Matters might try to hold against me, but I know the real Americans won’t fall for their George Soros paid shenanigans. Plus, no one ever reads this blog except you guys, and you wouldn’t try to blow it for me, would you?

So that’s it. I’ve now taken the mantle from soon-to-be disgraced Presidential Nominee Dreamboat Fred Thompson and have become the newest GOP superhero. Now all that’s left for me is to practice my crowd-pleasing debate techniques (“But what pansy Mitt failed to acknowledge in his response on healthcare is MY FIST IN HIS FACE!”), as well as getting a gun license and a very large gun. I’m a shoo-in. And if I get the nomination, I’m buying a ranch. Wish me luck.

Iraq Forever! Let’s bomb Iran!
Iraq Forever! Let’s bomb Iran!

Presidential Confession: Peacenik Grandfather

This may seem arcane, but with my presidential exploratory campaign heating up as it has, I have to make a confession.  I’m naturally reluctant to do so, but I feel compelled to get my side of the story out before you read it in the press.  My advisors have assured me that this should only have a minimal impact on my exploratory campaign, but felt it was necessary, lest we allow my opponents to spin the story first.

Here it is: My great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Proctor Biobrain, was an anti-war protestor during the Civil War (or The War Between the States, for my rightwing readers).  That’s right.  He didn’t support slavery, or oppose Lincoln, and he was absolutely convinced that allowing the Confederacy to separate would be disastrous for our nation.  No, he just opposed the war because he was a peacenik pacifist who opposed all wars on any grounds whatsoever.

And frankly, his position on the matter was entirely incoherent and fairly delusional.  Because for as much as he vehemently opposed everything that the Confederacy stood for, he just thought that war was a big bummer and that any sort of hostile attitude was bad karma that would make war inevitable.  He also blamed slavery on the North’s addiction to natural fibers and honestly believed that the only way to keep the slave states from seceding was to think positive thoughts while facing south.

What can I say, the guy was a little ahead of his time; especially in terms of the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms.  He was also really big into wearing leather tie-dye overalls and his stovepipe hat had a bong built into it; which sounds like a good idea until you realize how often he’d bend over and spill that filthy water all over himself.  Ironically, he eventually died in his sleep of smoke inhalation as an old man while wearing that hat to bed, after his sheepskin pillow started smoldering.  And they say drugs don’t kill…

Anyway, that’s the long and the short of it.  You’re sure to hear more about this next week, as I’ve been told that the NY Times is planning to run a three-day frontpage story on this, starting on Sunday.  But you heard it hear first, and I can assure you, there is no story here.  Just the standard kooky relative who did lots of drugs and opposed a war due to nonsensical beliefs that he was only faintly familiar with.  Oh, and he often liked to make furniture and masks out of human flesh, many of which are in my home right now.  But I think you’ll find that kind of thing was pretty common among people of that time period, so I don’t see how anyone can hold it against me.  But that won’t stop them from trying…

Back in the Race

Well folks, you’ve spoken loud and clear and I’d be a fool to ignore it.  After my recent announcement that I was bowing out of the presidential exploratory committee race in order to focus on my vice-presidential exploratory committee prospects, the public outcry protesting that decision was literally deafening.  I couldn’t hear any of it.  And after much soul searching and having hired a whole new team of sycophantic committee members, I’m back in the race.  Not because of any personal conceit of my own, but because you people demanded it.

Let me quote from one of the many, many messages that poured in:
Come on, are you going to let Hillary Clinton scare you out of the race? Just because she's a sitting U.S. senator? And married to a former president? And not totally obscure?
Because after those 3, admittedly somewhat formidable advantages, I really don't see what she has going for her. She isn't even a C.P.A., for crying out loud.
Don't you think it's time all the beleaguered C.P.A.s of America, of which I admit I am not one, had one of their own to look up to as president, or at least as a comically marginal presidential candidate?
So I say:
¡Start it up again!
¡Yes to Dr. Biobrain!

That was long time reader and new time blogger J. Mumphrey Bibblesnæð, and by god, he’s right.  Hillary Clinton is not a CPA, and I am.  And if that’s not good enough for the American people, then I’ll just have to keep hinting that she’s a lesbian enough times until it finally sinks in.  Not because it’s true, but because I’m the right man for the job and can lead this country into the 21st Century like I owned the damn thing.  And that justifies everything.  

I mean, what’s a few cheap smears when the stake of the free world is at stake?  You would have killed Hitler before his big election, had you the chance, right?  And all I’m asking you to do is to spread the word that Hillary’s a bigtime carpet-muncher and keeps the heads of all her ex-lovers in a locker in her basement, so she can taunt them before going to bed each night.  Sure, that went beyond crude and went straight for repulsive, but we’re talking the presidency here, not a god damned beauty contest.  I can’t afford to pull any punches.  

Speaking of which, did you hear that Barack Obama is attracted to “rough trade” and likes gay toughs to punch him in the face?  Me neither, pass it on.  See, it’s that simple.  And you can do it too.  Just pick one of my Democratic opponents, invent some gay gossip about him, and act like it’s the hottest news since you learned that Tipper Gore is a man.  The genius of Karl Rove was the pure simplicity of it all.  Why take a position when you can put your opponent in a perverted one?

And don’t you think for a second that there’s nothing in this for you.  Oh no.  If I can somehow pull off the longshot victory and get that Whitehouse for my very own, the first thing I’m going to do is to put the Presidential Seal right here on my blog.  And so every time you come here to read one of my addresses, you’ll get a little reminder of how you helped make that a reality by passing on the rumor about John Edwards, the lumberjack, and those poor little puppies.  And that’s my promise to you, my people.

Happy New Years, Y'all!

To answer all the myriads of questions pouring into the Biobrain mailbag: No, I'm not dead, and yes, my presidential exploratory campaign is still in full swing and I should be declaring my candidacy for the 2008 presidential election before too long. But with the holidays and lots of traveling (more than I had planned on), including long stints without computer access, the Biobrain site has gone black for a while. But I'll be back and better than ever coming into the new year, so fear not.

Anyway, y'all have a wonderful New Years Nite and make sure to drink far more than you'll wish you had tomorrow morning. I know I will.

Bigtime Presidential Exploratory News Coming Up

Stay tuned!!!

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!! SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Ok folks, the time has come. I've been running my stealth presidential campaign for the past two decades building up to this momentous moment: That's right, my presidential exploratory committee has finally come up with a decision on who I should pick as my vice presidential choice, were I to decide to run for president. And after much discussion over a lot of beer, we have finally come up with our decision, and it is none other than...Barack Obama.

That's right, Barack Obama is going to be the next Vice President of the United States. And really, once you think about it, it's really a no-brainer. We did some poll testing and it turns out that people like the guy, they really do. Plus, we figured that letting the Clinton and Rove teams vet our choice would be a heckeva lot smarter than having our guys do the standard Google search we were planning to do. And hey, since a lot of people feel a tad bit uncomfortable with having such an unknown quantity into the top spot, it just made sense to let him rest on the sidelines as my understudy for eight years, letting him learn the ropes with training wheels on. People will like that.

And so that's it. I thought I'd share this with you, my loyal readers, first, before we unload it on all the networks later in the week. My handlers didn't think that was such a great idea, but screw them. Those bitches work for me! Anyway, so that's the big news. Hope you're pleased.

Partitioning the World

FYI: My presidential exploratory committee has voted unanimously to partition Mexico into three general population categories: The Clean Ones, The Workers, and Other. The Clean Ones will reside in the nice touristy places, like bordertowns, Cancun, etc; where they will be taught such important skills like How to Mariachi, and the best way to make margaritas with American ice. The Workers will be housed in luxurious gated communities along our border, where American employers can arrange shuttle services to and from their facilities each day. And finally, The Others can live everywhere else, as long as they stay away from the first two groups. Elections will be temporarily suspended until we decide the best way to handle such delicate matters.

But they didn't stop there. The committee also voted unanimously to partition all European countries, particularly France; as it was determined that Europe is a great place to visit, were it not for all the foreign scumbags who live there. For these countries, the partition plan is as follows: Pro-Americans, Anti-Americans, and Mimes. The Pro-Americans will stay in Western Europe. The Anti-Americans in Eastern Europe. And the Mimes will reside in special gated communities, to be visited by the few people who are into that kind of thing. Again, elections will be temporarily suspended.

And finally, we found it necessary to partition America. This was the toughest vote, winning by a 125-119 margin (yes, seventeen members of the committee abstained). But with all the nasty partisanship in our country, it was decided that the best way to avert the looming disaster was a straight partition of the country according to this map layout. While this is considered somewhat contentious by some, the majority opinion was that this would allow the greatest freedom for citizens to choose the laws that best suited their needs. Everyone will be given a thirty day grace period to settle in the area they prefer, and again, elections will be temporarily suspended.

After partitioning is complete in each country, work will begin on the construction of the seventy-foot concrete partitioning devices, designed to best facilitate the new arrangement. The committee went ahead and awarded a cost-plus contract to Halliburton to build these devices, primarily because they were the only ones with the necessary clout to convince Congress and the President to not fight our plans. For similar reasons, security will be provided by the NRA, which is quite enthusiastic about the whole thing and has already arranged for guards to work for free. Apparently, they had a waiting list ready for just such an occasion.

Anyway, just thought I'd let my loyal readers hear the news first. You're welcome.

Christmas Break Update

Fortunately, nothing's been happening in the news lately, so it's not such a biggie that I've been taking a few days off from my typically grueling schedule of almost daily blog posts. But don't worry. If anything important happens (ie, something that involves English-speaking people not currently running for president), you'll be the first to know. So you can go back to playing with all the cool gadgets you bought yourself after you discovered that nobody bought them for you.

Oh, and just an FYI for those of you who have been asking about it: My presidential exploratory committee is still going gangbusters and is currently polling in the top three in Iowa, New Hampshire, and half of the Super Duper Tuesday states. And so if everything goes as expected, it looks like I should be able to announce my presidential intentions some time in mid-April. Wish me luck and happy holidays!

Not Presidential Material

Uh oh. Looks like my presidential campaign has just had a serious setback. No, my exploratory committee hasn't decided I can't win. Far from it. But I just went bowling today at my daughter's classmate's birthday party, and only bowled a 92; far cry from Joe Scarborough's minimum of 150. Apparently, this not only makes me not presidential material, but I'm no longer a man. Or at least not a real man.

Sure, it's quite possible I could kick Scarborough's ass, if I was into that kind of thing. In fact, one of my problems is that I couldn't really find a bowling ball with the holes spread out enough for my big hand, but who am I kidding? I've only bowled three times in the last five years, and only twice did I bowl over 150. I'm nothing but a sick joke. A priss who might as well trade in his manly man wallet for a purse and lipstick. I rolled two gutter balls, for christ's sake, and only one strike in ten frames! And I thought I knew how to solve our foreign policy and economic problems. What the hell was I thinking?

Maybe if I stopped wasting so much time reading political news and more time tossing balls down the lanes, I could actually earn the respect of such politically astute manly men like Scarborough and Chris Matthews. They know that what's between a president's ears is less important than what they carry between their legs. They know all the true test's of a man's worth. And there's nothing manlier than being overly concerned with looking manly and talking about other men's wangs.

So if my blog posts get a little lighter over the next few weeks, you'll know why. It's not that I'm busy doing other things. It's that I've decided to become a real man. Before I'm done, by god, I will bowl at least 150 every time. I will prove my manhood to all those in doubt. I will earn my wallet.