Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain
I just read about how our terror watchlist is "ballooning" and let me tell you, I couldn't be happier. I mean really. Reading that there are now over 800,000 terrorists lurking in our midsts scares me shitless and I can't think of any better way to feel during times of such existential turmoil such as this. I mean really. What better way is there to reinforce the fact that we're all about to die and need Bush to save us than to find out that we're finding 20,000 more bad guys a month. That's the kind of thing that makes my blood rush and my bullets pump.
Sure, I can understand why the anti-American freaks at the Prospect are gnashing their teeth over this. And I'd be a bit scared if the authoritarian dungeon masters at the ACLU weren't throwing a hissy fit. Why shouldn't they? They were probably the first ones on the list! That'd be like Saddam's henchmen's complaining about the Most Wanted Playing Cards; but I suppose that was the ACLU too, huh.
But this surely isn't enough. By my calculations, John Kerry got over fifty-nine million votes in 2004, and even discounting all the triple-counted votes and ballots cast by the recently deceased, that still puts our terror watchlist as being short by about twelve million names (please note that this is the exact number of illegals currently parasiting off our fair country; not exactly a coincidence, I'd guess). So I say we've got a whole lot more work to do.
And let's just make this easy. First off, we know that white people don't become terrorists. I mean, why would they want to blow up their own people? Right? So we can just cross them off the list and enroll all the people who don't fit into that category; namely, all the black, brown, red, and yellow people out there. I mean, I haven't met one who I'd trust to carry my luggage and they're all so easily offended and rude to me. And let me tell you from personal experience, it's just one easy step from them tossing out phrases like "pendejo" to them physically attacking you. The Violence-First mentality is extremely common among primitive-minded people, which is why we need places like Gitmo to begin with. So we can deal with these potential terrorists before they can deal with us.
Next we go for the Feminists. I mean, why the hell not? We really should have done that a loooong time ago. And did I need to say it? Of course not. The non-Christians. They're definitely trouble. Especially as any non-Christian who isn't non-white or feminist has got to be bad news. That just goes without saying. In fact, I think it would be helpful if these people had their names on the list for each one of these offenses. So that a black atheist feminist would have her name on the list three times. That way, they stick out better, which is important as these risk categories multiply exponentially. If we assigned three points for each risk category, our black atheist feminist would sure score like a million or something; I don't know. I'm still working on that system, but it's somewhere in that range.
And hell, once we get down to it, it seems like it'd be a helleva lot easier to just come out with a list of the people we don't need to watch. And that would be the real Americans. The commonfolk, like George Bush and Dick Cheney and Bill O'Reilly, as well as myself, Doctor Snedley. The real salt of the earth people who are the obvious targets of all these sicko madmen. We should be able to do whatever we needed to with impunity, with it fully acknowledged that we are simply acting out of preemptive self-defense and know what's best.
Again, why would we attack our own people? We wouldn't. We love our people. That's what separates us from the terrorists. Well that, plus the color of our skin and our political and religious beliefs. But that just goes without saying. We're in an existential struggle to ensure the survival of the good people, and the only way we can do that is if we get rid of all the bad people. That's simply undeniable, and to do so would be the surest sign you belong on that list. I mean, who wouldn't want all the terrorists and terrorist-sympathizers to die in their own rancid feces than a fellow terrorist? That's just self-evident.
It'd be nice if all these people would just up and die for us; and thus allow us to live the peaceful lives we so desire. But as long as these monsters continue to offend humanity by their foul existence, we are left with no other choice than to remove their entrails with their own kneecaps and forcefeed their mothers' eyeballs into their rectums. By their wickedness, they have left us with no other choice. This is a disembowel-or-be-disembowled world, and I don't know about you, but I'm kind of fond of my bowels.
Remember, tis better to kill one hundred innocent men than to be murdered by one guilty one. Because that way, at least you're still alive; and that's a lot more than what most of the bastards can say once me and my buddies get our hands on that watchlist.