Sunday, November 11, 2007

My Early Santa Post

Can you believe that there's already a fricking Santa Claus at my local shopping mall? A fricking Santa Claus! It's not even quite Veteran's Day yet, and this dude's already got kids lined up to sit on his fat little lap. Not a lot of kids, but a lot more than how many should be sitting on his lap this early before Thanksgiving. I'm watching a movie called Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out) and they waited until after Thanksgiving before bringing out their Santa; and that was a film about a sexually-demented psycho Santa wannabe who totally freaks out and kills a few people. I mean, if they can get it right, why can't my local shopping mall?

And seeing him there really made things kind of awkward with my six-year-old daughter; and being six years old, she's really into that whole Santa thing. Just a few years ago, she told Santa on a whim that she was going to get a goldfish named Fred for Christmas. And sure enough, I'm now stuck with a fishtank full of fish, none of which are goldfish or named Fred (the original Fred died when the pump broke on the older, cheaper fishtank that dumb Santa brought her); nor does she ever look at them. They're now my headache to feed, rewater, and filter until the end of time. Thus is the power of Santa.

And now here we are at the mall, futilely attempting to buy her friend a birthday present, when we accidentally stumble upon ole Saint Nick. Like he's have nothing better to do in early November than getting his picture taken with a few snotty brats. I mean, he hasn't even had a full eleven months to make out his naughty or nice list! Yet he's going to be taking requests on this stuff? Then again, I suppose he could use the extra time to warn the naughty ones that they still have time to repent. But I'm not sure Santa does that kind of thing. He really likes to play things to the wire, and you never do know which column you're going to end up in each Christmas.

But still, under no circumstance should there be a Santa this early. If that means that they'll have to get some giant turkey in the middle of the mall accepting thanks from everyone, so be it. All I know is that I don't want to see Santa Claus on Veteran's Day. Nothing against the big guy, but I don't really see him down in the trenches holding off the gooks. It's bad enough that he totally stole Jesus' birthday by making it his big day to give presents, but Veteran's Day needs to be preserved as the traditional holiday of WWII movies and John Wayne. And while I probably wouldn't protest if Santa showed up to eat with me on Thanksgiving, I still don't want to see the guy begging at the mall until after the bird's been eaten. Is that really too much to ask for?

Oh, and I do recommend renting Christmas Evil, if you're interested in thought-provoking movies about sexual-deviant psycho Santa wannabes who freakout and kill a few people. But if you just want a sexual-deviant psycho Santa wannabe who kills even more people, but don't care so much about having your thoughts provoked, I recommend Silent Night, Deadly Night. It also has more of the sexies in it, if that's your kind of thing. Either way, you won't be disappointed, assuming you're into the whole psycho Santa thing. If not, then it sucks to be you this Christmas; which officially started five days ago.


whig said...

Santa's fuel costs have gone way up, and he needs to raise extra cash to afford his rounds on Christmas, so he has to work more hours at the shopping centers this year. What's it to you?

A said...

maybe you could tell her that this is just part of Santa's primary campaign against The Grinch (anti-Christmas-entitlements, very libertarian) and Kris Kringle (anti-establishment dark horse candidate), just the the Presidential candidates have been campaigning all year even though the election is still 12 months away.