Friday, March 20, 2009

Spring Break, Bitches!

Hey y'all, in case you hadn't realized, it's Spring Break in Austin, so I'm out of town for most of the week. Light posting, as usual. And yeah, it is nice to be self-employed and decide to take Spring Break off. I think everyone should do it. It wouldn't have to be all at once. We'd all take turns. Maybe it'd be done alphabetically. Or maybe it'd be a contest, where the most beautiful people got to Spring Break first, followed by the moderately attractive people. And on the third week, once all the charm and glitz has worn off, the ugly people get to party for the week while the rest of us recuperiate.

So in honor of that, you need to break out the pen and paper, my friend. It's time for a quiz!

SPRING BREAK QUIZ:

1) In twenty-five words or less, explain why transubstiantiated wine is just as likely to get you f-ed up as the wine before it was transubstianted. Extra points if your answer includes the latest research on antioxidents.

2) Why tadpoles?

3) If you could play god for a day, what are the first five things you'd fix? And remember, this is not a hypothetical.

4) Explain why all the other people are crazy besides you.
Give examples.


Bonus Question:
Why are all the assholes doing better than you?


2nd Bonus Question:
At the parties in Heaven, does Jesus transubstiate the wine in order to gross people out? Why or why not?


3rd Bonus Question:
If Hendrix, Lennon, and Morrison all hated each other in Heaven and you had to pick which one you'd get to hang out with, who do you pick? And if this happened, could you be truly sure you were in Heaven? And what about Einstein? If you truly learn all knowledge once you enter Heaven, isn't a guy like him fairly useless?


4th Bonus Question:
Can you ever truly "know" you're in Heaven? What if you're actually in Hell and the Devil is tricking you into believing that you're in Heaven. And he continues to allow you to believe that you were in Heaven, until exactly ten thousand years pass (Earth Time). And then he gathers all your heavenly friends around you and then exposes that they had been playing a trick on you the entire time, and all your "friends" turn out to be demons who mock you for your idiocies and overall boringness. And then they spend the next ten thousand years torturing you relentlessly, forcing you to grovel endlessly for having ever dared imagine that you were worthy enough to enter Heaven. And then after the ten thousand years of torment, an angel appears and asks you if you still believe in Heaven. And you nod yes, because the angel's beauty is enough to convince you that God truly did exist. And then the angel lifts you above and brings you to the "true" Heaven, where you spend one thousand years basking in the joy of God and the "real" way you spend your time in Heaven, which involves lots of moping about and pontificating on whatever subject comes up. Yeah, it sounds boring, but there really isn't much else to do when you don't have a body. And then after the one thousand years, all your fellow matterless souls gang up on you and turn out to be the same demons who tortured you the first time. And then they spend the next one hundred thousand years tormenting you and making you truly sorry for having ever been alive. And at this point, when the Arcangel Gabriel comes down to you and tells you that this was all a test of your faith and that if you take his hand, you'll be escorted into the real "real" Heaven, where God, the son, and the Holy Ghost are waiting to shake your hand and have a beer with you: Do you take his hand? And if you do, at what point would you truly believe that you were in the real Heaven?


Extra Bonus Question:
Name three religions that you would most hate to be correct. And they have to be real religions.