Monday, March 09, 2009

Attention Biobrain Readers: Bonus Time

After over four years of blogging without a salary and much anguished deliberation, it has been decided that I receive some sort of compensation for my services and have approved for myself a one-time annual bonus of $1.2 billion.  And why not?  I work hard.  I post almost once a day.  And dammit, my numbers look pretty darn good, particularly with this downturn in the economy and everything.  If anyone deserves a bonus, it's me.

And so I just wanted to inform you that you should be receiving a bill shortly for your portion of my bonus, based upon the total number of people who read this post.  So if 100 people read this post, your portion will be $12 million.  But...if only 50 people read this, you get to chip in $24 million.  So, the fewer people who read this, the bigger chunk of me that you own.  And I'm sure that's got to make you feel pretty damn good inside.  

Invoices will be issued by the end of the week.  You can promptly drop your checks in the mail or simply wait for a few of my hired goons to accept your remittance with a personal touch.  That's just the kind of service you can expect from a blogger worth $1.2 billion.  After all, I wouldn't have asked for it, if I didn't deserve it.


Anonymous said...

What would your blog be worth if nobody read it? I think maybe you should acknowledge that it is we who create your value, and therefore you should certainly share your bonus with your faithful readership.

I don't know what your daily numbers look like, but if it's in the ballpark of a hundred, you may send me a check for $12,000,000 at your soonest convenience.

Warmest regards.

TRUTH 101 said...

You don't want all that money Doc. Joe the Plumber says the government would just take it anyway.

Doctor Biobrain said...

But Mahakal, if no one read this blog, then it'd be absolutely priceless. This isn't a blog so much as a museum for rare and original thoughts. The fewer people who read them, the rarer they are. And if they were read by no one, then they'd be the rarest of all, as they'd only reside within me.

As it is, you should be pissed that you have to share this stuff with so many other people. They're flooding the market with my material and cheapening the effect it has for you. That's why even this $1.2 billion post was to be paid for by all who read it; because that's what it's worth to them. And that was just for a nothing blog maintenance post. My real posts are worth much more. By allowing y'all to pay me $1.2 billion for reading this post, I'm doing you the greatest of honors, because the more you pay, the more it shows that you've gained from reading it. So a large check sent my way just shows how ridiculously smart they must be, as those people obviously learned the most. And I'd be quite embarrassed for anyone who didn't include an extra tip in there, just for me. The standard is about 15%, though 20% isn't uncommon.

In other words, you're going to be waiting for quite awhile until that $12k check arrives.

Anonymous said...

Doc, you're absolutely right about not sharing the pearls that I find in the oyster that is biobrain.blogspot. That's why I spend my days sabotaging as many computers as possible so no one else can imbibe the sweet nectar. My check is in the mail.

Might want to hold off a bit on cashing it. I'm in negotiations on my government bailout.