Sunday, October 26, 2008

Voters of the World Unite!

Alright that's it, I just early voted and privacy concerns aside, I'll just tell you: Obama won! That's right. I picked Obama. It's over. Time to pack up your bags and head back to Mother Russia, my loyal readers: The deal is done.

And let me tell you comrades, Premier-Select Obama is very proud of the work you've done for him these past twenty years and has included an extra bottle of vodka in your monthly stipend, along with the thirty rubles we promised. And once we have all these foolish imperial Americans out on the streets and begging from beggars for crumbs of the diseased, you and your families will be moved into their big American houses and you will be assigned five American workers each to use in any way you see fit; in accordance with the principles Father Marx espoused all those years ago. I predict this transition should be completed as soon as our new economic redistribution policies are implemented by the end of next month, so pack quickly, comrades. We have no time to lose!

Update: Commissar Ayers just informed me that my one vote was not enough to win the election for Premier-Select Obama. Apparently, the Americans have instituted a more complex leadership selection process than we had at first anticipated. It's time to move to Plan B: We all show up on Election Day and vote using the Vladimir Lenin voter registration cards that were supplied to us by ACORN. This plan cannot fail.


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