Sunday, February 24, 2008

President Obama Will...

In my last post, someone left a comment suggesting I check out some website called Obama Will, which is a collection of all the things Obama will do once he's elected president. I don't know who operates this website or what the intent of it is, but I liked the idea so much that I submitted to them a list of things that Obama will do as president. Just so you understand, I didn't make any of these up. These are all guarantees of what Obama will do as president, and if you see any of them at that website, you'll know I'm the one that sent them in.

Obama will buy you a six pack of fancy German beer after each hard day of work.

Obama will plant indigenous fruit trees in your yard and water them regularly with his own tears.

Obama will build you your own solar-powered rocketship and show you how it works.

Obama will pimp your ride.

Obama will make stars go supernova in order to create a pattern in the sky spelling out your name.

Obama will toilet train your cats.

Obama will cure your mother's lumbago.

Obama will show you how to turn your Nintendo Wii into a real-life girlfriend.

Obama will show you how to turn your girlfriend into a Nintendo Wii.

Obama will pay off your home loan.

Obama will make heroin non-addictive and chock full of wholesome vitamins & minerals.

Obama will show you how to turn household trash into cool arts & crafts.

Obama will make you sexier than Elvis.

Obama will save your life using an old cigar box, vinegar, and a toothpick he carries around for just such an occasion.

Obama will find your missing puzzle pieces.

Obama will make your favorite shirt fashionable again.

Obama will cure that nasty fungal infection you have under your toenails, without damaging your liver.

Obama will handle your bully problem.

Obama will make Spielberg movies really good again.

Obama will raise the dead.

Obama will hold your hair back while you vomit, and not make you feel guilty about it like some other candidates.

Obama will inhale helium to make you laugh during his inaugural address.

Obama will adopt your unwanted children.

Obama will mend your holey socks.

Obama will remove the mildew from your shower curtain.

Obama will make Jews turn Muslim and vice versa.

Obama will fill your potholes with love and lollipops.

Obama will fix your split-ends.

Obama will make you an omelette out of Faberge eggs.

Obama will cure your erectile dysfunction without embarrassing you.

Obama will be the best man at your wedding.

Obama will remove the spyware from your computer, including five you've never heard of.

Obama will whiten your teeth while you sleep.

Obama will put in a good word for you with Santa Claus.

Obama will let you stay at the Whitehouse until you get on your feet.

Obama will remove the word "can't" from the dictionary.

Obama will establish steroid-only leagues for every sport.

Obama will make George W. Bush apologize sincerely for everything.

Obama will make ghosts less scary.

Obama will turn everyone into Chuck Norris

That's about it for now, at least the big ones. I didn't include the obvious ones, about how he'll do your homework or call in sick for you when you're hungover, because I thought that just went without saying. And remember, no matter how much people try to cast doubts on what Obama can do; we just have to remind them of what Obama WILL do.


Anonymous said...

kewl I cant wait but I do wish you hadnt listed raise the dead thats a Jesus thing and this muslem candidate will never do that.By the way who will he have running with him as his ayatollah.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Anon - If you're going to pretend that Obama's Muslim, you really shouldn't write it in such an obvious way that shows you don't really believe it. It sort of undermines your whole point.

Beyond that, you really need to find a better smear to use against him. A smear can't be something so easilly debunked as that. Hell, why not just start telling people he's Hispanic? The whole point of a smear is to cast doubt on the person in such a way that by the time they've explained why the smear isn't true, listeners get confused and can't really follow what's being said anyway. Like the Swiftboat thing, which had so many points to debunk that even *I* had trouble keeping up with them..

But a man's religion doesn't take any explaining at all. Besides, Obama's already included it in part of his stump speech and is using it against the people making it. So you're really going to have to come up with something better than that. I'm not sure at all why anyone imagined that attacking a Christian's religious preferences would be a good way of winning elections, but I suspect there are quite a few Christians who won't be happy with that kind of thing. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but even those people will get pissed if they find out you tricked them. Just ask Bush.

Nick said...

will he read Harry Potter to me before bed every night?

Doctor Biobrain said...

Are you kidding Nick? He'll be creating new Harry Potter adventures that are bigger and better than any you've heard so far. And right when you think you're at the most exciting part of the story, you'll find yourself waking up from the best night's sleep you've ever had. And it'll seem like an eternity until you can get back into bed to hear the next installment of the story. And the whole time, you'll never get that big grin off your face. Never.

That's what Obama will do.