Thursday, February 05, 2009

Lifestyle for Cool Conservatives

Wow.  I just read a Craig's List ad for a site called which said:"New lifestyle internet magazine for conservative people looking for writers and articles on fashion, style, sports, fitness and general interest."  And my first thought naturally was: Why do conservatives need their own lifestyle magazine?  And then I remembered, oh yeah, because they're still trying to create their own alternate reality.  I wonder if Sarah Palin is president there yet.

And so I was intrigued to learn what makes a conservative's lifestyle so different that they require a fluff website slanted to their ideological needs.  The answer: It's just like your typical inane lifestyle site, except this time, every article is drenched with enough anti-liberal sputum to choke a horse.  That's right, my conservative brethren.  The days of enduring movie reviews and fashion articles without healthy doses of attacks on liberalism are over. This is the Conservative Lifestyle.  Compromise no more.  Now, you can be conservative AND cool.

For example, on the "Entertainment" page you'll find a discussion of medical TV shows titled "Will Socialized Medicine bring the House Down?" which asks the important question: "Does anyone want to watch a show where people sit in a waiting room for 18 hours to get treated for stepping on a nail?"  The answer, apparently, is no. No, it's much better for people in our capitalist-paradise hospitals to die after waiting for nineteen hours. Now THAT's entertainment!

And yeah, the "House" referenced in the title is the TV show.  See, conservatives have puns too! How cool!

Another item consists of an unattributed Matt Damon article in which the anonymous conservative writer adds a few snarky comments slamming Damon because he's liberal.  For instance, the article quotes someone saying that Damon went to Harvard, which means he's smart.  But in the Conservative Lifestyle, such a remark can't go unpunished; so we read this snarky comment "In 1988 Damon began attending Harvard University but dropped out," which suggests he only lasted a year and couldn't hack it.  But Wikipedia informs us that he was there for four years and left because his acting career was heating up.  Damn liberal Wikipedia!  You are banished from the Conservative Lifestyle!!

Oh, and I guess one facet of the Conservative Lifestyle is that you can't create separate posts to link to.  Each page contains multiple articles with no direct link, so it's possible that by the time you read this, you won't find these articles.

Conservatives Hate Hollywood

And the final "entertainment" item is a rant against "Hollywood and Revisionist History," which discusses four recent historical films; only one of which the anonymous conservative actually saw.  And that was the Clint Eastwood film The Changeling, which was denounced because it villainized the LAPD.  Seriously you can read a long rant about how unfair Clint Eastwood was to the police, even though he's a notorious conservative with a pro-cop reputation.  Even Dirty Harry is a dirty hippy, in the Conservative Lifestyle.

As for the unwatched movies discussed, I honestly can't tell you what the point was.  It must be a conservative thing, as I just don't understand what I read. He said it wasn't a review of Changeling, but he never really did explain what the point was.  From what I could gather, the writer just didn't like that Hollywood came out with three films involving Nazis.  

As he says "Where is all of this Nazi stuff coming from? Why now?"  Gee, dude.  Must be a Hollywood conspiracy.  I mean, when three separate companies come out with completely different movies involving a famous subject, what else can one conclude than: Hollywood is fucking with us.  That is, if you live the Conservative Lifestyle.


But the best was saved for last.  After pointlessly mentioning the three Nazi films, we end up with this diatribe:
If Hitler were alive today, some people would praise him for his vegetarianism and his love of animals just as they love and admire FDR. They even compare Obama to FDR. How many movies coming out next Christmas will be about Japanese internment camps or as FDR put it- concentration camps? By the way, I’m just saying, didn’t those kids singing about Obama on the internet remind you of Hitler Youth?
Yes, if only Hitler were alive, some liberals would praise him. But since he's dead, we all demonize him instead.  Of course, FDR isn't alive, yet we praise him. And doesn't it sound like he's smearing liberals for being like Hitler, while also sort of defending Hitler against these films?  How does that make any sense? Don't worry. This is the Conservative Lifestyle. As long as a liberal gets smeared, everything makes the Conservative Lifestyle.

And then there's the moral equivalence between the deplorable internment camps and the genocide of millions and millions of people.  It's as if that's the only thing FDR was famous for.  And did I need to mention that it's often liberals who denounce the internment camps, and many prominent conservatives defend them?  And yeah, whenever I hear children singing, I think of Hitler Youth.  Everything liberal can be tied to Hitler, if you live the Conservative Lifestyle.

And so that's what passes as lifestyle writing for cool conservatives.  Wow.  It's no wonder they think the media is infiltrated by liberals. If they go three sentences without seeing a liberal insulted, they flip out.  Oh, and did I mention that their homepage currently features an insulting email that some unnamed liberal sent them and how Rush Limbaugh has already come to their defense?  It's true.  Because nothing says "conservative" like "enormous victim complex." And as a rule of thumb: If you're not being bashed by liberals, then you're not conservative enough.

And honestly, I wish these guys the best luck.  I hope conservatives rally around the poor victims at this website and help teach us liberal bastards a lesson.  After all, you never can have too many people equating popular US presidents with Adolph Hilter and we really need to keep the crazyfires burning, at least until Palin can run for president in 2012.  And they said conservativism was dead...

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