Thursday, July 03, 2008

How McCain Stopped the FARC-ing Bullshit

Some things are just too incredible to believe, and Carpetbagger's got one of them. Regarding the hostage rescue operation from FARC rebels in Columbia, CB writes:

Fox News, in an apparent attempt to make itself appear even more ridiculous than usual, told viewers that McCain’s visit to Colombia may have been related to freeing the hostages.
….

The claim is so absurd, even the McCain campaign wouldn’t make it.

Oh, please. Like we're supposed to believe that these people were held hostage for all this time and it's pure coincidence that they got rescued at the same time McCain happened to be in the country. Right. What's next, we're to imagine that the Iranians hadn't pissed themselves when they realized Ronald Reagan was their new arch-enemy, and were just tired of holding the hostages? Puh-leeze!

The reality is that people like Reagan and McCain come from an earlier, tougher generation which really knew how to deal with bad guys. And it wasn't by serving them tea and crumpets. It was about walking tough and talking tougher, and knowing that bad guys will pee themselves when they realize they're facing a tough walker-talker. And Senator John McCain is the toughest walker-talker we've got.

How He Walked Hard

And so what else can we imagine other than that McCain infiltrated the FARC camp in the dead of night, put a Bowie knife to the chief terrorist's throat, and told him to "Stop the bullshit." Oh yes, I know that's speculation. It might have been the real Rambo's knife, or possibly even a regular Ginsu he used as his steak knife on the way there. Who knows, the knife's not important. But we know McCain's a tough talker and already got a glimpse into his "Stop the Bullshit" method of dealing with bad guys. And that's got to be the case here, per Occam's Razor. If hostages get released at the same time John McCain is nearby, the simplest explanation is that John McCain freed them with a really big knife and some tough talk. There can be no other explanation.

And let's face it, John McCain is a humble man of humble origins and people of his generation never ever never like to brag. They may save the world from evil-doers, but it's all in a day's work. And so it's no wonder the McCain campaign hasn't tried to make some big hoohaw about all this, as it'd probably just embarrass the guy. Same thing with Reagan when he slipped into Soviet Russia after his presidency ended and personally defeated Communism by beating the Kremlin at arm-wrestling and a drinking competition (he also used the "Stop the Bullshit" line, but only after he defeated them). Sure, he could have bragged to someone about it, but that'd have only cheapened his victory. He did it for America; not personal glory.

And so that's what's really going on here. McCain even asked me to not say anything about it, but I really had to set the record straight after Carpetbagger smeared him so badly. Right is right, and if we can get a president who can fix every conflict in the world with a little straight talk and a big knife, perhaps we might think about electing one.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry this is snark right?
I mean to say you didn’t even point out the funny things like how Sen. McCain is super old and how at least we don’t have to wait for alzheimers to start like we did with Reagan. Or that he is a douche-bag liar and that even as the press is crying big fake tears about Sen. Obama nonexistent public financing flip-flopping or that it isn't fair that Sen. Obama has so much more money or support. Sen. McCain broke public financing laws and the campaign financing laws he helped write for God’s sake. I mean there is snark there! You are somewhat funny I am sure you could have tossed something out there to crack a smile.

Proud2bHumble said...

'Great minds', etc. When I heard McFarcYou was going on a Colombian expedition I too anticipated the hostage release, but more as a result of the implied threat of McCrashy's legendary flying skillz being demonstrated over Bogota, outside of the FAA's jurisdiction. I'm sure McTopGun was disappointed not to buzz the tower, but I knew his advisers would make the right decision once Colombian authorities became aware of the consequences and made their offer. This is just another example of the personal sacrifices McPOW has made for our country throughout his life. The only decent way for us to repay him is to vote for him in November. It's the right thing to do for the man with 'the right stuff'.

;-}

AgentX said...

Wasn't one of McCain's fundraisers the CEO of Chiquita, who also gave money to FARC and to right-wing paramilitants?

Sounds more like to me he went to Columbia to clean up his own mess.

McCain will take money from ANYONE, regardless of how scummy they might be.

Anonymous said...

Try learning some history, Dr. Birdbrain. The Iranians didn't "piss themselves" after Reagan was elected. Carter had nearly secured their release, then, to PREVENT that, George H.W. Bush, along with William Casey flew to France to meet with representatives of the Ayatollah Khomeini. They made the deal that Iran would KEEP the hostages until after the election, in exchange for parts for their American supplied F-14's (sold to them while the Shah was still in power) and enough M-16 rifles to equip a brigade. In other words, TREASON. Clueless Reagan knew nothing about it, just as clueless John knows nothing about this FARC business. But the Republicans are so desperate for anything, anything at all to make this old fuck look good, they'll just throw any old shit out there for public consumption.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Anonymous #1, thanks for the advice, but I happen to think this thing is already loaded up with enough snark to sink a ship. This post cuts to the bone on McCain, as it completely mocks his phony-baloney "Stop the bullshit" tough-guyness. Plus, I got in digs on the misuse of Occam's Razor, McCain's supposed humbleness, the Legend of Reagan, and even Ginsu knives. And best of all, the theme of McCain as Rambo saving the hostages by himself is worth the price of admission alone. Overall, I'd say it's a perfect post.

Anonymous #2, that was really kind of the point. The joke was on the Republican myth formed around how the hostages got freed, and the punchline is that the truth behind what really happened should disgust these people who hero-worship Reagan. And the same thing goes with McCain, who is clearly all hype and no substance. And honestly, did you really think I was serious when I suggested that McCain freed the hostages with a Ginsu knife? Really?? I know conservatives are hard to parody, but I really didn't think this one even came close to sounding serious.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Anonymous #1, thanks for the advice, but I happen to think this thing is already loaded up with enough snark to sink a ship. This post cuts to the bone on McCain, as it completely mocks his phony-baloney "Stop the bullshit" tough-guyness. Plus, I got in digs on the misuse of Occam's Razor, McCain's supposed humbleness, the Legend of Reagan, and even Ginsu knives. And best of all, the theme of McCain as Rambo saving the hostages by himself is worth the price of admission alone. Overall, I'd say it's a perfect post.

Anonymous #2, that was really kind of the point. The joke was on the Republican myth formed around how the hostages got freed, and the punchline is that the truth behind what really happened should disgust these people who hero-worship Reagan. And the same thing goes with McCain, who is clearly all hype and no substance. And honestly, did you really think I was serious when I suggested that McCain freed the hostages with a Ginsu knife? Really?? I know conservatives are hard to parody, but I really didn't think this one even came close to sounding serious.