Thursday, April 03, 2008

Changing Captains Midstream

Shit! I had pinned all my hopes on Obama based solely on his ability to win in November, but now it looks like that hope was entirely false.

Per Reuters:
Hillary Clinton may be the Democrat who Republicans love to hate, but some Republican strategists say they have no fear of a match-up with her rival Barack Obama in November's presidential election.

It goes on to mention that, while Republicans once feared Obama more than Hillary, they now think they can beat either candidate. And after the whopping victories they've had over the past fifteen years, it's obvious that these guys have mucho credibility. Why, not only were they able to barely steal the Whitehouse twice, but they also held on to both houses of Congress for short periods before losing them by bigger margins than they held them. Jesus christ, is there nothing we can do to stop them?

At this point, I think our only option is obvious: We've got to drop both Hillary and Barack and go with the only Democrat available to have ever won the Whitehouse: Jimmy Carter. Sure, he lost against Reagan, but Reagan was a colossus more formidable than Lincoln, Washington, and both Roosevelts combined! The fact that he was even allowed on the same debate stage as the Great Ronald Reagan will surely score a few extra points for the guy. And with Jimmy's Habitat for the Humanities work under his belt, I'm sure his re-election efforts would go alot better this time around. At least when he finds himself unable to move cities out of the way of hurricanes, people will know he's got the experience to rebuild them afterwards.

And even if he loses, so what? It's obvious from what these Republican strategists say that we'll lose in November with either of our current candidates; so we've got nothing else to lose by getting a new one. Sure, it's a desperate act, but I really don't see what choice we have. These Republicans sure do have our number. That's why they felt so confident in choosing an unprincipled old coot with a lousy sense of humor and an insatiable love of lobbyists as their nominee; as they know they can't lose.

Well perhaps it's time we nominate our own old coot. Jimmy Carter, as of now, consider yourself our nominee; which will last right up until the time a Republican strategist says that he can't win either, after which I'm nominating Jesus Christ himself. But I'd like to save that one for as late in the game as possible.

Update: Jimmy Carter has left a comment declining the nomination. Shit. Is it too late to get LBJ cloned in time for November? He's eligible for re-election too, I understand. Does anyone know where he's buried?


Jimmy Carter said...

Sorry Doc, but I’m going to have decline the nomination this time around. It was a good idea, but when I mentioned it to a Republican strategist I keep around to test ideas on, he laughed and reminded me that I’m history’s greatest monster. Sorry. I went ahead and asked the guy about Jesse Jackson, Walter Mondale, and Michael Dukakis, but he laughed each time and said they’d also lose. He recommended Joe Lieberman, which I thought was a fantastic idea, but it turns out Joe’s already agreed to be McCain’s running mate. He was still willing to accept the Dem nomination, but only if they renamed the party America for Lieberman, which was necessary for legal reasons. Looks like the ball’s in your court, Doc. I’ll email you his contact information later tonight if you want.

Oh, and in regards to your on-going debate with Donald Douglas, my Republican strategist says Professor Douglas is totally right and that any insult from a liberal is an ad hominem smear; while any insult from a conservative is an admission of truth. Sorry. I guess this just isn’t your day.

repsac3 said...

I think you're going about this all wrong, Doc. If we want to win this thing, we have to beat the Republicans at their own game, while still maintaining that diversity that the left is famous for. The person we need is Condi Rice. Sure, she's a Republican, but very few of 'em like J Sydney as a candidate. They'd love to switch to Condi. And check out her attributes (no, not THOSE attributes!!); Not only is she blacker than Obama, she's a prettier woman than Hillary. She's a shoe in. A cake walk. She'll be greeted as a liberator, with flowers and candy. You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down, & smellin' what I'm cookin'?

Bad news, though... As a Republican, she's ethically obligated to agree with Professor Douglas. Give it up. We lost... It's obvious.

John of the Dead said...

That's funny. Jimmy Carter wrote an op-ed a couple of weeks ago that said he'd be willing to accept the nomination, under certain, uh, stringent conditions.