The Fifth Branch of Government

As it turns out, I'm the fifth branch of government. It had something to do with this crazy auto loan I took out in the late 90's. As I'm sure you'll all remember, those were really heady times in the world of finance, and rarely a week went by that I wasn't signing some sort of wackjob promissory note or another. Long story short, I'm in this high stakes poker game in the bunker under Cheney's Hawaiian safehouse, circa Spring 2002, when in comes this chinaman carrying a briefcase which he incorrectly believed to contain Cheney's soul. Both Cheney and I were fully aware of where his soul really was, so I was intrigued to see Dick so keen to obtain the case. Fortunately for me, I happened to know his weak spot and after he cheated the chinaman out of the briefcase, I casually reached over and pulled ol' Dick's pacemaker out of his chest. Man, you should have seen the look on his face. Even in agony, the guy's got gravitas. Then I walked out of there with the briefcase and the heart machine, and even helped myself to one of Lynne's famous beef cookies on my way through the kitchen.

And what was in the briefcase? What else: The newly approved top secret fifth branch of government, with Monica Goodling's signature and everything. Cheney was going to use it to officially "disappear" himself so that he could spend more time with his shadow government, without leaving any possible means for people to stop him. He was to have absolutely all traces of his existence wiped from any official record, and thus become an invincible pseudo-god ruling from an unapproachable netherworld; Wyoming. But I've just been using it to get cheap concert tickets and free meals at Taco Bell. Power has its perks.