Too Many Laws

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain

I was able to take a few moments away from doing Doctor Biobrain’s research for him and noticed this post by busybody Josh Marshall, regarding NSA wiretaps and the whole shitstink you people are causing over a few American-saving wiretaps.  And I’m reading it and it’s got your obscure acronyms and your government motions and your incorporated modifications and all that other crap.  And who the hell cares.  And it’s the same for this whole damn torture business.  Obscure laws written by even more obscure people for reasons that we couldn’t even fathom in a billion years.  And yet we’re supposed to be surprised when the President gets all fouled-up in all this red-tape and monkeyworks?  My god, is he fighting a war on terror or trying to pass the damn bar exam?  Do we really expect the man to be reading all this when he’s supposed to be protecting our nation from who knows what?  You complain that he can’t catch Bin Laden, while also complaining that he’s fouling up every damn law known to man?  Nice try traitors, but the big guy is totally on to you and your childish shell games.

And you can guess what I’m getting at.  That’s right, too many damn laws.  We’ve got too many damn laws and they’re not doing anything but tripping us up at every turn and making us the laughingstock of the terror world.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m a law and order kind of guy.  I really love the stuff, especially when it means the scumbags and assheads of the world get locked up.  But enough is enough already.  The laws are only good if they help protect us from the bad guys.  And if they’re helping the bad guys get away, then they’re the wrong kind of laws.  It’s that simple.  These are our damn laws, not the criminals’, and we shouldn’t allow the baddies to screw with them.  If they wanted their own damn laws, they’d be law abiders and not law breakers.  And if our chief law enforcer can’t get shit done because of all the damn laws getting in his way, then we have too many damn laws.  It’s that simple.

Am I suggesting that we get rid of all the laws?  Of course not.  We still have some great ones, particularly the anti scumbag and asshead stuff.  But all this stuff that’s tripping up our chief executive from performing the tasks we hired him for; that stuff has got to go.  I’m serious.  That stuff’s just wrong.  It’s giving comfort and aid to the enemy and just totally creeps me out.  I’m all for checks and balances, but if we can’t give President Bush everything he needs to win this war, then we might as well just close up shop and go home.

On Their Toes

And how exactly can we know what laws we need to scrap?  Easy.  Because Bush tells us.  Who else would know more about it than him and his most trusted advisors?  You don’t want him telling you how to flip those burgers and grease those fries, right?  Well the same goes for him.  It’s his job, so let him do it, already.  And it just makes sense that we should let him tell us which laws are getting in his way.  Unless, of course, that’d be giving away too much information to our enemies; in which case he doesn’t have to tell us shit.  There’s no better way to catch these jerks than to have them think that Bush can’t do something, and then WAMMO, he goes ahead and does it.  Only a terror-lover could have a problem with that kind of sneaky stuff.

And what if he needs some extra law that we haven’t already thought of?  Give it to him.  If you can’t trust the President of the United States, who can you trust?  A bunch of damn Congressmen who wouldn’t even know their own assholes from a hole in the ground?  Are you really going to trust crooks like Tom Delay, Duke Cunningham, Bob Ney, and all those other Democratic pukes to make these kinds of decisions?  The only ones who aren’t on the take are the ones too dumb to be worth bribing.  We’re really going to trust these guys to save our nation?  Whatever.  

And for god’s sake, don’t make him tell us about these new laws after he makes them.  The last thing we need is for the terrorists to know which actions to avoid and what’s going to nail them.  That’d give the whole game away.  They don’t tell us which buildings they’re going to hit, so we shouldn’t tell them what’s going to land their Muslim butts in jail.  I don’t even want them to sneeze without worrying that a FBI-er’s going to be jamming a .38 in their stupid faces.  That way, we keep them right where we want them: On their toes.

Loyal Chattel

And what’s the big deal, anyway?  So we give the President what amounts to absolute power.  So we allow him to strip our citizenship away from us and turn us into chattel (which means human cattle, btw).  And so we submit ourselves to daily identity checks and random strip-searches whenever and wherever is needed.  What’s the big deal?  It’s not like he’ll have these powers forever.  He’ll only have them as long as our nation’s security is at stake and anti-American people want to harm us or our interests.  After that, we go back to whatever system Bush allows us to have.  

And naturally we’d have to suspend this whole election thing until after this is over.  I mean, what’s the point of giving the President these shiny new powers if they might just be turned over to a terrorist-loving Dem in a few years?  That’d defeat the whole purpose.  Besides, you’ve seen the field of potential nominees, and they’re not getting any better.  The best of the lot couldn’t wipe his own ass with a snowplow, and you don’t even want to know what the worst would do with that plow.  Plus, the whole election thing forces our future presidents to give-out all their best plans and ideas.  What a crock.  You don’t hear Bin Laden telling us his next move.  Hell no, he doesn’t submit himself to such a ridiculous process, so why the hell should we handicap ourselves by doing the same.  It’s madness.  Sheer madness.  We’ve got a perfectly fine leader who’s taken us this far, we might as well see it through to the end.    And if he can’t get it done within his lifetime, we pass on these rights to the heir of his choice; and keep going that route until the job is done.  What’s wrong with that?  It’s worked for England for years, and look how well they turned out (relatively speaking, of course).

And who knows, without any kind of re-election or Congress to worry about, maybe George will open up and feel more free to let us in on what’s really going on in the world.  Just as long as it doesn’t jeopardize our war on terror or damage our ability to strike whenever and wherever we need to, or undermine our freedom-spreading mission around the world.  And what else does that mean, other than for you freaks to keep your damn yaps shut and ready to do whatever our Commander-in-Chief demands.  And if you don’t like it, well then I’m sure there’s a Muslim country or two that would just love to show you exactly what to expect if we let these terrorist bastards take over.  We can even arrange for the air travel and everything.  

Remember: Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, and with George W. Bush in charge, you’ll have more freedom than you’ll know what to do with.  So shut your yaps and enjoy it; or else.