Thursday, September 06, 2012

My Atheist Funeral

As a followup to my last post, someone took my question about atheist weddings and flipped it around, asking about atheist funerals.  That person suggested they wouldn't be cool with a church funeral, but weren't sure what to do.  Here's what I wrote, and yes, if I die without making any other arrangements, this counts as my legally binding wishes.  Seriously.

Hmm, wow. The funeral. Hadn't thought of that one. I think I'd be ok with a church funeral, because most of my family are Christians and it'd make them feel better. And since I won't really be there anyway, I'm ok with that. After all, funerals are for the living, not the dead. 
Thus said, I've already made plans to be cremated and have my ashes scattered somewhere cool. The location isn't important, as again, I'm not going to be there. So it's really up to the person I've told to do this where they want to go; just as long as it's somewhere at least somewhat cool and not like an overpass or suburb. And the main reason I want my ashes scattered is because I see no point in keeping my remains around for someone else to keep track of or screw with; and really like the idea of all y'alls asses breathing me in without knowing it. Bwa ha ha! 
And the reason I want to be cremated is because it bothers me to think that my corpse would be rotting away in a god damn box underground. I mean, seriously. That's weird. Plus, on the off chance zombies are real, I don't want to be one. The last thing I need is for some corporation to figure out how to reanimate dead people and put them to work as zombie slaves. I've already spent enough time in Corporate America and don't need any more of that shit just because I'm dead.
And as a final note, I'm not much into death and am not particularly reverent towards life either.  So I want people to party at my funeral.  Not because they're happy I'm dead, of course.  And I'd certainly like some serious words to be spoken of me, just cuz.  But I don't want to go out with people making me out to be a saint, talking as if I was a ray of sunshine or anything, because that's crap.  I lived like a happy asshole and I want to be remembered that way.

And I want everyone at my funeral to have at least one alcoholic drink, toasting to my memory.  And that includes the alcoholics and other teetotalers.  You don't want to have one drink for me, you've got no business at my funeral.  And extra thanks goes to the people who get shitfaced.  You're my kind of people.

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