I've got another confession. And this one's a biggie: I'm not Doctor Biobrain. The person you know and love as Doctor Biobrain is an actor I hired to play me on my blog. His real name is Fredrique Stomplebum, an old vaudevillian I used as a facade to give my blog more legitimacy. I even have a picture of Fredrique Stomplebum portraying Doctor Biobrain, though I'm not at liberty to display this picture as it would hamper his ability to find gainful employment on vaudeville. The picture shows Mr. Stomplebum at my keyboard, typing my blog posts, while wearing a silly hat. The hat that you, my loyal readers, have been imagining me wearing all these years. In short, I'm a total fraud.
But it goes further than that. Mr. Stomplebum has also been writing my blog posts. That's right, all of them. And he's not even Doctor Biobrain when he does so. When he writes these posts, he does so as Pernicious Pete, a somewhat angry liberal who takes vengeance on the world by writing analytical "Big Picture" posts with a mildly biting satirical flair, along with somewhat shorter absurdist material intended as filler. Truth be told, I've never written anything on this blog. Even this post was entirely conceived by Mr. Stomplebum while I sat on my couch across town eating Doritos and watching Sanford & Son. It's the episode where Lamont preaches at Fred for being rude to his bald Latino friend. And let me tell, I'm enjoying myself much more than if I were at some stupid keyboard typing some idiotic confession I could care less about.
But the deception deepens. You see, there is no Mr. Stomplebum. Stomplebum was merely a literary device I created in an attempt to expand my marketing potential. I know this sounds crazy, now that my blog has become such a cornerstone of the absurdist liberal blogosphere in the greater south-central Austin area, but in the early days of this blog, I had trouble attracting readers. Nobody seemed interested in reading yet another liberal blogger rewriting Digby's material. So I secretly created Mr. Stomplebum to anonmously write as Pernicious Pete as a way of giving a certain je ne sais quoi that was apparently lacking from all the other unknown Digby thiefs. And because nobody knew about any of this, I could continue to pretend to write as Doctor Biobrain while all the real credit went to my imaginary braintrust which continued to act as the public face for Doctor Biobrain that no one ever saw.
And this, of course, leads me to my final confession: I'm Doctor Biobrain. I really am a CPA with his own home-based bookkeeping firm in Austin Texas, and I really am married and have a few kids which I rarely ever write about. And I and I alone am personally responsible for all of the writing you see here at this blog. So all the deception and sham you never knew anything about was nothing but a deceptive sham. And I'm truly ashamed of the whole thing. I wanted to tell you much sooner, but decided it was best to continue with the charade, lest people begin to suspect I'm weird for having created multiple levels of anonymous personalities. And I was probably right.
And so to sum up: Doctor Biobrain is a non-existent actor writing as a fictitious entity as a means of fooling no one into not realizing that they weren't reading the real Doctor Biobrain, which is exactly what everyone thought they were seeing in the first place and really were. Is that clear?
Oh, and in other breaking news: I'm really not the leader of the potentially phony Iraqi front of the non-Iraqi Iraqi resistance not lead by someone who may have been killed, captured, or invented; depending on the particular needs of any given government which has or hasn't the picture and/or DNA of the person in question who might never have existed, depending on whether or not you believe the supposed word of someone who may have been tortured...or not. And for those confused, read this.