As a mainstream contrarian centrist, I just want to establish my reputation as a firm believer in giving Barack Saddam Obama a fair chance before I proceed to unfairly rip him to shreds for things which are entirely irrelevant, if not completely invented by myself. Here are my credentials as a fair-minded Obama considerer; notice how I don’t once refer to him as spittle directly. And now that I’ve got my unbiased lip service out of the way, here’s my riff against Obama:
Look, if Barack Saddam Obama really thinks it helps his Iraqi street cred to have such a patently offensive middle name. That’s his deal. We’re all players in the world of presidential wannabes, and if this is Barack’s best attempt at being a presidential wannabe, then more power to him. I myself have been playing the Weird Medical Experiments on Hobos card for so long that I’m almost starting to believe I’m good at it. Sure, some people think I’m crazy (particularly my hobo patients), but Rove insisted that this was key to winning the Mad Scientist vote, so I think I’ll stick with it for awhile longer. He’s crunched the numbers and assured me a decisive victory.
And the point is obvious: We’re all on the road to the Whitehouse, whether we like it or not; and Obama’s no different than the rest of us, even if he is going for the “I’m a secret Black Muslim terrorist and I’m going to blow you up” thing. Again, I’m not so sure that’s the wisest way to go, but if he thinks he can make the terrorist-angle work, who am I to doubt him? But irregardless, this whole looking like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad thing is just plain wacky. What was he thinking?? I mean, not only is Mahmoud Ahmandienghad not Iraqi, I’m not even so sure he likes Americans. And I’ve heard from a top authority that the Iraqi’s aren’t so crazy about Iran, so this recent move of his really sends mixed messages. Is he Iraqi? Is he Irani? Who can know? And not only will this hurt him with the Iraqi vote, he’s likely to blow it with the Iranians, too. And that really puts him in a bad position heading into the primaries.
Sure, sure. Perhaps he’s going for the whole Iran-Iraq centrist thing; splitting the difference between both sides and finding a common middle ground. But I can’t see this as anything but a complete backfire for the guy. Particularly as it’s likely to lose him support in the Heartland, which is staunchly against any sort of conciliatory gestures between Iraq and Iran. And so a dude with an Iraqi name and a Iranian persona isn’t going to have a whole lot of luck winning over Kansas, no matter how many ruthless dictators he emulates.
Again, I wish no ill-will against Saddam Obama and hope he can continue-on as the rockstar presidential contender extraordinaire I’ve been told so much of. But if he thinks he can really pull off this whole embrace of everything radically Islam thing this early in the election cycle, he’s on a sure path towards political disaster. Can anyone say Mondale?
Besides, all this is moot anyway, as all us inside kewl Beltway elites have been given the inside tip by Lord Master Cheney that the 2008 elections will be cancelled on Election Day due to a massive terrorist strike on eight US cities. And that goes for congressional and statewide elections too. It’ll be like a total surprise, so you know I’m quite psyched about the whole thing. He tells me I’m nineteenth in line for a personal interview immediately following the attack, and that he’s got quite a few more surprises lined-up after that. BIG surprises. Awesome!