Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Carnival of the Liberals #11: They're All Losers

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, personal assistant to Doctor Biobrain

Pathetic. Simply pathetic. It was just a simple task: Getting liberals to talk about liberal things. And while they did it in their typical liberal way (whining, irrational, and rude) they failed utterly, miserably, completely; and are probably too ideologically-blind to ever acknowledge this point. Is it any wonder that they refuse to honor the integrity and competence of our fine leader, or that they project onto him their own failures and insecurities? Or that they can’t accept the fact that, under Bush, America has once again proven itself to be the greatest, strongest, and most wonderous nation ever; despite the best efforts of the small cadre of Bush-haters who can’t even accept their minority status gracefully? Is it any wonder why the pathetic Biobrain can so consistently win this carnival? I think not.

I’m speaking, of course, of the latest Carnival of the Liberals, which I’m substitute-hosting for my inept boss Doctor Biobrain; who volunteered for a job which was obviously beyond his limited capabilities (typical lib). Picking the selections for this bi-week’s carnival was obviously difficult for me, due to the heavy level of dreck emitted by the echo-chamber referred to politely as the “liberal blogosphere”. I’ve always made a point of avoiding this kind of traitorous material and now see that my worst fears were not nearly fearful enough.

But, I had a job to do, so like any good conservative, I did it, and I did it well. Besides, we’re talking about liberals here, so one post was really as good as any other. And for any of you who weren’t selected in this carnival: Don’t worry; you’re all losers in my book.

The Selections

We’ll start-off with the one honest liberal submission: A rambling mess explaining why liberals love bureaucracy more than life itself. We’re talking about people whose biggest complaint against the war in Iraq is that it didn’t involve enough pencil-pushers and rabble-rousing latte-sippers. We’re talking about Two Cheers for Bureaucracy by Karl Weber of the World Wide Webers (a communist cabal if I’ve ever heard one), who actually argues that we need even more red-tape in our education system. Great. What’s next? Will Karl openly defend Marxism and the beloved 110% tax rate they so secretly desire? Perhaps an angry rant in support of the Ultimate Welfare State, where the only people not on the government dole are the stupid schmucks assigned to hand-out the taxpayer’s dough? When will these libs learn that hard-working Americans will always refuse to support their bizarre quest of crushing the American spirit through high taxes and higher government spending; or that this is one of the big reasons why everyone loves President Bush? From Karl’s angry tone, I doubt they’ll ever learn.

And speaking of being high, our next selection is from the vowel-impaired TNG at Neural Gourmet who, in all seriousness, suggests that the problem with Americans is that they’re too stupid to vote Democrat, in his post Who’s Stupid Now? Worse, he actually likens the fop Hanoi Kerry with one of our great Founding Farmers, Thomas Jefferson. Right. As if TJ would rather waste his time with an elitist metrosexual windsurfing in Cape Cod, rather than with a down-homey manly-man clearing brush in 110 degree Texas heat every August. Which naturally begs the question: Who’s the dummy now?

We’ll follow that with an even dumber post lamenting the fact that America is being lead by “the biggest, toughest guy around”; all because tough guys like Bush and Batman are prone to attracting enemies. Jesus, where do these people come from? We’re speaking, of course, of Martin at Writings On The Wall and his post The Batman Effect. I suppose Martin would prefer that we go for the Wimp Effect, in hopes of making America look so weak and pathetic that the terrorists would no longer bother with us. Perhaps I’ve just given him his next blogpost idea. Just make sure to give credit where it’s due, Martin.
And from there we’ll go to the surprisingly astute JR Kinnard at Don’t Floss with Tinsel (I guess the drug-addled libs need to be told even the most obvious of things), who asks the eternal question we face when dealing with fundamentalist Muslims: Can There Be Peace? This time, JR is asking about peace with Iran and explains why it’s impossible for America to negotiate with terrorist killers like Iranians; whom JR refers to as douchebags (I was thinking murderous douchebags, but perhaps that’s redundant), . Naturally, this being a post for a liberal carnival, JR gets in the obligatory digs at Bush, by pretending as if Bush is equally to blame for this situation; as if it’s possible for us to negotiate with these murderous thugs who gassed their own people and are almost single-handedly responsible for every attack our nation has ever faced. But I suspect that that’s just a little sugar used to help liberals accept the idea that Iranians might be the bad guys on this one. Whatever it takes, JR. Whatever it takes.

On the flipside, we have Chris Hallquist at The Uncredible Hallq (which I believe is some sort of Arabic pun, probably anti-American), who also complains of Fundamentalists in his selection: An Anti-Fundamentalist Manifesto. But in one of those bizarro-world twists you libs are so good at, he’s actually referring to Christians! Yes, crazy, I know. But there it is. Even more bizarre, he seems to be suggesting that the War on Christians doesn’t exist. As if we just invented it as a political trick to woe Christian voters to support a cause that doesn’t support them. As if we’re supposed to pretend as if his very own extremist anti-Christian rant isn’t yet another shot across our bow. Most likely, this is an amateurish attempt at psy-ops, to get our side to stop fighting. But for those of us on the frontlines, there is nothing more real than this. And like all our battles, we won’t stop until we’ve completely eliminated our enemies. Guys like Chris can hate America enough to attack its finest citizens, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to roll over and let them win. Give me God, or give me death!

And speaking of hating America, something called a Modem Butterfly (which I believe is some sort of internet sex position for folks not content with the one God gave us), writes about diluting the great American gene-pool in a post titled The Great American Melting Pot. Somehow, the idea that Ruskie Krauts giving us liberal traitors like this Butterfly person is supposed to assuage our fears that immigration isn’t a giant commie plot to take over the world. Well geez, why not just let all the foreigners in while we take over their pisshole countries and eat dirt for a change. Sounds great. I’ll let MB be the first to go.

Well that was all some heady stuff and seeing as how most libs are victims of Sesame Street’s assault on our attention-spans, I’ve decided to shift gears for a selection from the great liberal TV eyeball, TayTV. Tay was the only lib willing to accept one of my carnival topics with his Mistakes of Iraq; except he seems to have gotten confused over the word “Your”, as in my question “List your three biggest mistakes regarding the Iraq War.” And rather than listing his mistakes, he harped back onto the mistakes libs like to pretend that Bush has made. Well, at least he tried. Hope you enjoy the clips. They’re as out-of-context and fictitious as anything else you libs see on your hopelessly biased media; so you should have no problem comprehending them.

Now that you’re back from your TV fix, I’d like to change speeds a little and expose you folks to some conservative news sources; possibly for the first time in your life. I know, this is a liberal carnival and everything, and you guys can’t stand to see anything that doesn’t already fit neatly into the tiny realm you refer to as a “worldview”. But, if you have the slightest bit of reasonableness in that pathetic excuse for a brain you have, you won’t hold it against these posts, simply because they happen to be right.

The first is from an overly polite conservative named Jon Swift who makes the mistake of thinking that being reasonable will help him convince liberals of their own idiocy. That’s probably just the foolish influence he gets from watching the overly-balanced Fox News, which he lists as one of his only news sources (along with the lib-friendly Rush Limbaugh and the Hollywood-Lib jokester Jay Leno). In this selection, titled Why Conservatives Support the Duke Lacrosse Team, Swift naively attempts to show liberals the facts as to how conservatives deduced that the Duke Lacrosse Team is entirely innocent of anything that they could possibly be accused of, and how the only real racists in this country are the fools who call themselves Democrats. Perhaps someday idealists like Jon will give-up wasting reason and logic on the emotional lumpheads on the left and finally understand why bruteforce is the only thing they understand; but I must admit that I find his earnestness refreshing.

Our second conservative selection is from a wonderful news article by Hedwig the Owl aka GrrlScientist, which showcases one of Bush’s greatest successes in our fight against the second most dangerous haters of America: Muslims (we all know who the most dangerous is). In the article Teacher Arrested at JFK Airport in NYC, we learn how airport security caught a member of the Al-Gebra movement attempting to bring several instruments of destruction to do untold damage to American citizens. And not only does this article highlight the importance of a strong national defense and racial profiling, but also shows us the dangers of the public school system. It’s bad enough that we allow these traitors to influence our children, but worse is that it’s my tax dollars financing these efforts. Simply chilling.

Ok, I’m sure that was a shock for the few brave libs to have actually clicked through and attempted to comprehend these things, which obviously don’t fit into their little liberal minds. So as a reward, I’ll end this carnival with a batch of absurdist liberal limericks by Madeleine Begun Kane at MadKane, who fashions herself as a “humor” columnist. And while I don’t exactly see where the humor is, perhaps it works a little better at the level you liberals are accustomed to. The post is titled Scotty & Andy & Josh, Oh My!, which attempts to demean several American heroes who, due to their love of family, recently quit their jobs with the Bush Administration, which they had served with the utmost brilliance. Again, I’m not sure exactly where the humor is in all this, but whatever.

Ok, well that does it for me. I can’t say that I enjoyed this, but at least it gave me a chance to inflict some actual facts onto your otherwise hate-filled blogosphere. Maybe some of this might plant the seed into your peabrains that perhaps there’s more to life than bitching, moaning, and rant-filled hatred. There’s also money.

I’m now leaving this in the incapable hands of Ebonmuse at something called Daylight Atheism; no doubt named after the fact that atheists see so much daylight, due to their inability to attain gainful employment. After all, if someone isn’t willing to seek the ultimate reward in life, they’re probably not going to work so hard for a lousy paycheck either. Anyway, the next carnival opens on May 10, and it will take at least that long for you to write anything that won’t be a complete embarrassment…assuming that is at all possible for you. I’d wish you luck, but you’d probably just give it all to your buddy OBL.


J.R. Kinnard said...

Looks like a good edition. Thanks for the inclusion. You're right; 'murderous douchebags' sounds better than just 'douchebags'. Live and learn.

L said...

Wow. Seriously good edition Biobrain. I'd seen Modem Butterfly's post of course, but I didn't have time to see what we were getting this week. Outstanding.

Mad Kane said...

Excellent job. Thanks for including me ... I think.
Mad Kane

Anonymous said...

Masterfully done!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Dr. Snedley - I think.

Anyway, folks, I'll be hosting the next Carnival of the Liberals. There are a few topics I'll be especially looking out for, so submissions in these categories will be looked upon with special favor:

-separation of church and state and efforts to violate it
-religion in politics, both the evils of the religious right and efforts by the religious left to make their voices heard
-the effort to unify all the liberal single-issue groups into a progressive majority

See you in two weeks!

Sage said...

Some great reading, and a very funny write-up!

Anonymous said...