Saturday, January 07, 2006

NY Times Traitorism Explained

Guest Post by Doctor Snedley, Personal Assistant to Doctor Biobrain
Written in response to a traitorous post by liberal Glenn Greenwald

Come off it, Glenn (if that is your real name).  The terrorists we're dealing with are as cunningly brilliant and mind-bogglingly stupid as we need them to be at any given moment.  That's exactly what makes them so damn dangerous and why Bush needs the illegal powers he's grabbed to protect us.  They’re cowering in caves at one minute, and scouring CNN and internet message-boards for pro-terror encouragement the next.  They’re everywhere and nowhere at once, and might even be right behind you at this very moment.  That’s who we’re up against, and the only way to defeat them is by using the most extreme measures known to man.  And George Bush is the man willing to take us there.

Sure, these FISA courts of yours could provide the exact same protection that Bush has claimed his less-than-legal options have garnered; but what kind of message does that send the terrorists?  When their chief opponent isn't even willing to break a few laws to defeat them?  These people blow up buildings for entertainment; and our President can't even violate a lousy statute or two?  They're laughing at us already.  And if the terrorists are laughing, the terrorists have already won.

So rather than trying to stifle Bush with an America-hating impeachment or some other “legal” option, I say that we have to take this to the next level.  As has been argued before, rather than just a violating a little illegal search action; I say that we have Bush get busy violating some real laws.  Like say we film him doing a little drive-by action on the streets of DC.  Nothing like a little gunplay to get a terrorist’s attention.  And if we really want to shake them up, Bush could go Dahmer and just start eating people and raping their detached skulls; perhaps even on a reality TV show or something.  They’d take one look at his crazy ass and just turn themselves in; knowing that our president was an ornery cuss they just didn’t want to mess with.

And so that’s what this is all about.  Not about listening in on a few phone calls; but about showing those terrorist bastards exactly how far we’ll go to defeat them.  I mean, let’s face it: Al Qaeda as a coherent terrorist organization is on its last legs and has been effectively shattered; leaving it only symbolic status as a loose-knit group of terrorist cells with no effective connection or identity.  So anything we might listen in on from known-terrorists would have little or no strategic value; while the new terrorist cells work completely undetected, and under our very noses.  But…the strategic value of terrorist scum everywhere knowing how far our president is willing to push the limits of democracy is utterly priceless.  If they know that we’re willing to destroy this democracy ourselves, they’ll be much less likely to try any of their America-hating hi-jinks, and are much more likely to focus their strength on countries like Iraq, who are trying to work on some kind of respectable democracy.  A strategy that has clearly paid off already.

And that’s exactly how the NY Times leak has damaged our security.  Because Bush wasn’t planning to keep this secret forever.  Hell no.  That would defeat the whole purpose.  Rather, he was planning to announce this on his schedule and at the appropriate time to have the most stunning psychological effect on our terrorist foes; like right after the first episode of “George Bush: Man of Meat” airs on Fox.  That’d be like a double-loaded shotgun blast to the face.  But now, the traitorous Times has effectively eliminated that stunning twofer blast; relegating Bush to the single whammy of presidential cannibalism.  So rather than seeing Bush announce these double-secret-surprise wiretaps with human entrails dripping for his fevered lips; the terrorists will just be left with the dripping entrails.  Color me unimpressed.

And so that’s how the NY Times and the rest of you liberal scum damaged America’s security by hurriedly blurting out Bush’s surprise.  The wiretaps were a done deal in either case, and any damage they may have caused to democracy and freedom was already done.  But…the surprise of announcing it at the right time?  Lost forever.  Oh, and the same goes for the whole Abu Ghraib thing.  All part of Bush’s new “We’ll Do Anything” national security initiative; which is slowly being undermined by freedom-haters in the media and abroad.  Sometimes, you’ve got to act like your enemy, to defeat them.  And sometimes, you just gotta get freaky.

Oh, and one final note to this “Glenn Greenwald” person: drop the damn pseudonym.  Only cowards hide behind invented names and silly monikers.  Always be honest with your readers; or don’t be honest at all.


Anonymous said...

Whoa. So much truth it hurts my puny mind. I am honored to be in the presence of such an IQ.

Long live Doctor Biobrain!

LC Scotty said...

That is truly some funny shit right there. I don't care who you are.

Anonymous said...

Incredibly fantastic! That'll sure show them traitorous Commie pinko liberals. I'm grateful a mind as stunningly powerful as yours is on the side of Truth and Goodness and the American Way.

K. Ron Silkwood said...

Should you have posted this, Doctor? I understand the need to refute the pinkos, but doesn't this give away too much of our plan to the worlwide commieislamofascist consortium? Or is this one of the times they are cowering and gibbering in caves, unable to read English?

I'm not implying that a big brain made an error, just stating that my little brain isn't getting around the big picture. But, that's OK; do whatever you think is right so I won't be scared.

Mooser said...

Knowing the terrorists might be behind me this very second(!!) I devised a stratergery (or maybe it's a tactic or a tictoc) to prevent then from terrorising my ass. I pass it on to other commentors gratis. Here's what you do:
Simply turn around so you're facing the other way, then twist your head around and read this blog over your shoulder.
Good ol' American ingenueity will defeat them terrorists every time!

Doctor Biobrain said...

Right you are, Mr. Silkwood. They are indeed cowering in the caves on this one, completely unable to comprehend even the lowest levels of strategy or guile. But don't rest on your laurels, as any second now, they could be using the top-secret encryption and switching techniques that the NY Times so foolishly gave away to wiretap your own phone lines and to intercept your innermost thoughts.

But fear not, we have complete control of the situation. Just shut-up and do what you're told and everything will be alright.

Anonymous said...

spruce up suggestion:

an individual has an individual IQ, not an average IQ

About Me
Name:Doctor Biobrain
Location:Corpus Christi, Texas
Doctor Biobrain is the smartest person in the world with an average I.Q. of 245.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Thanks for the tip, Mooser. I had already thought of that ages ago, but it's always good practice for you people to do a little thinking on your own. Just make sure not to get too carried away with that kind of thing, as that's exactly what the terrorists want.

And for those of you who didn't understand Mooser's instructions, I'll be posting a multi-step diagram shortly which fully explains this life-saving technique. And for god's sake, make sure to turn your entire body around in the first step, or you'll risk twisting your head clean off in the second. And while that would prevent the islmafacists from terrorizing you any longer, it might complicate your ability to vote Republican in this year's mid-term election.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Nice try NJR, but you just exposed your complete ignorance of bionic brain technology. I am the premier scientist in this field and can state for a fact that there is no error in my description. While normal humans have a standard IQ which remains constant throughout their lives (and in some cases, improving after death); a bionic brain or "biobrain" has a constantly fluctuating IQ, which in my case can soar to as high as 408 or drop to as low as 3.

I normally try to limit my blog writing time to periods in which I'm at the higher end of that spectrum; but as any regular reader here knows, I've not been entirely successful in that and have made a few posts while in the sub-moron category. Fortunately, my most recent breakthroughs have allowed me to limit such fluctuations; and while this has lowered my peak IQ, it has also reduced the number of drooling vegetable periods I experience. I have now been averaging a fairly constant 251 for the past two weeks and should be updating my profile to reflect that.

So in other words, you don't know what you're talking about. Please leave the thinking to us professionals, so you don't make a jackass of yourself again. I suppose you deserve a prize for being the first person ever to mention this alleged error; but that prize consisted solely of me calling you a jackass. Better luck next time and please visit again.

Anonymous said...

dr biobrain,
your explanation is simply, simply brilliant. i can not argue with a man of your impeccable reason. surely you deserve an award of some kind. your essay ranks right up there with the eglishman who explained how a witch and a duck were made of the same substance as wood.

however, you are not the smartest man on this planet. I have that honor, since I know everything.

yours in science,
dr. noah tall

come to think of it, being called the smartest man on this planet isn't really much of an honor, is it?

jurassicpork said...

I say we bring back The Running Man (and it can be hosted by Arnie), including the official home game. Have Bush blow away these terr'ists while singing opera and driving one of them li'l ole Mad Max cars.

Anonymous said...

I thought this line "Sometimes, you’ve got to act like your enemy, to defeat them. And sometimes, you just gotta get freaky." was really funny. That is until I started reading the comments and read this line "I suppose you deserve a prize for being the first person ever to mention this alleged error; but that prize consisted solely of me calling you a jackass."

Oh my god. I am f-cking cracking up over here.

Anonymous said...

I tried Mooser's suggestion.

It really works better if you extend your left foot and then return your left foot to the beginning position. Then you extend your left foot again and vigorously agitate it. Following that, perform a ritual known as "the hokey-pokey," following with the rotation.

That's what it's all about.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Good follow-up tip on Mooser's suggestion, anon. But as a warning to anyone needing to use this advanced technique: Try not to look too gay when you do it. I just can't stress that enough. It will encourage any watching terrorists, and they might even laugh at you.

My suggestion: Try wearing a moustache. I keep one in my desk drawer for just such an occasion, and have yet to be laughed at by a terrorist. These bastards might be able to construct a nuclear weapon from some used tampons and a paperclip; but they're suckers for a manly moustache.

Anonymous said...

The hate America first crowd would have us fight the terrorists with one hand tied behind our backs, but they fail to realize that we only use that hand to jerk off with anyway and can fight the terrorists with the other hand just fine. So Ha ha yourself.

K. Ron Silkwood said...

Regarding Mooser's strategery:

To avoid looking gay, raise your arms to shoulder level, turn your hands so they are facing one another, and act is if you are grasping an inivisible beach ball. Observers will assume you are practicing Tai-Chi, further throwing them off.

Anonymous said...

If the terrorists are laughing they've already won!

That is one great line. Bravo!

Anonymous said...

To deal with terrorists who might be behind me at this very moment, I prefer to apply the ancient secrets of Llap-Goch, and if I glance around and see someone behind me, simply beat the crap out of them. It doesn't matter if they say they're not a terrorist, of course they'd say that! Heck, they might not even know they're a terrorist, they could be some kind of sleeper agent!

It's the only way to be sure.

Doctor Biobrain said...

Even more great tips from agents Silkwood and Redshift. Keep it coming, people. At this rate, the terrorists will be running scared in no time.

(Though that isn't to suggest that this war will ever be completed in our lifetimes; which it won't.)