Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Chance For Consensus In My Empire

Via Carpetbagger, I just read an op/ed written by the illustrious Senators McCain, Lieberman, and Graham titled A Chance for Consensus on Iraq which really opened my eyes regarding the potentiality for my plans of taking over the universe.  

As they point out, now that we have a withdrawal plan in place for Iraq and an incoming president willing to implement said plan, violence in Iraq has subsided.  And so what else would be the wise decision but to decide to scrap said withdrawal plans and stay forever?  And as they say, by keeping more troops there in the short term, it will make it so we can eventually bring even more troops home later...or not.  Depending on our needs.  After all, there are military generals who say we can still win this thing.  Military generals.  Those are the best kind.

And as they point out, Iraqis don't like us there and their resentment against us will go down as they see more of our troops leave.  But that's no excuse to actually give up on our chance for a "long-term partnership" with them, you know, by leaving lots of troops in their country against their wishes.  Sure, we generally don't need to have troops in an ally's borders in order to have a partnership with them, but these Iraqis, they're not such bright people.  After all, they couldn't even get rid of a jerk like Saddam without us leading them by the nose.  What chance do they have without us?

Besides, if we withdrawal and the country doesn't explode into violence, but rather starts behaving like other middle-eastern countries by dicking us around, it'll make war mongers like McCain, Lieberman, and Graham look like real heels.  And we can't have that.  We need victory on our terms, or no terms at all.

Democracy Through Submission

And in that vain, I've decided to put my long sought plans out in the open and request that everyone form a consensus around them.  So without further ado, I am officially announcing my plans to become Master of the Universe.  That's right, I'm throwing my hat in the ring.  Naturally, this will mean that everyone's shit will become my shit, and they'll automatically be leasing it from me retroactively since the beginning of time.  And that means that everyone owes me a shitload of money.  But don't worry.  You won't be required to work it all off in your lifetime, as your children and children's children will be allowed to pay off your debts to me.

Now it's only natural that you might be asking yourself: Why him?  Why should Doctor Biobrain's plan be the one we form consensus around?  Aren't there many other worthy contenders for the job, perhaps even more worthy than Doctor Biobrain?  And the answer is: Because I asked first.  Because I put it into writing.  I was the one who decided to ask for consensus, and so anyone who doesn't coalesce around my plans is just rocking the boat and causing trouble.  It's that simple.

So sure, you can continue to act like ignorant slack-jawed combatants by resisting my non-partisan plans for a more wonderful world. can allow me to hijack Obama's gravytrain, which I repeatedly tried to derail, in order to make everyone ignore his plans and follow my own.  After all, nothing says democracy more than undermining the will of the people by doing the opposite of what they want.  If it's good enough for the Iraqis, by god, it's good enough for us.

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