I always tell my wife that she needs more of what makes Condoleezza Rice such a complete crapass. I dislike Rice, but my wife needs more of what I don’t like in Condi. It’s not just the bullshit. It’s not just the smugness. It’s the entire combination of her knowing that she’s totally shitfaced wrong, and yet the point that proves her so wrong is the very point that she shoves in your face in such a bold and brazen fashion that you’re left dazed and confused, and start to doubt your own ability to think. And those damn teeth just complete the picture.
Condi Rice doesn’t have enough brain cells to blow up a small raft. But she’s got that certain smug crapiness that just makes you want to smash her in the face and then proudly take credit for the whole thing while the Secret Service pats you on the back and tells you that they understand. But they wouldn’t and they’d just lock you away forever; and then you’d be tortured with the thought of that damn grinning witch having gotten the best of you; and she’d go on to become president, and you’d rot forever in some dank jail cell, and you wouldn’t even get to read my blog anymore. And that’s what she’s all about. She’s going to get the best of you, and she doesn’t deserve it, and she knows it, and she knows that you know that she knows it, and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it, and that’s all there is.
Don’t get me wrong. I like Mrs. Biobrain. I liked her enough to marry her, and to have stayed married to her for several years. And I don’t want her to become some smug jack-o-lantern that I’d want to punch in the face. But she’s too much of the opposite. She’s a nice person who feels guilty, simply for having been accused of something. And she just doesn’t know how to defend herself; even when she’s entirely in the right. And it bugs me enough that I would actually wish some of that Condi Crapability to be bestowed upon her. Perhaps I’m dooming myself for asking for such a thing, but I went ahead and said it anyway.
I just think that if Condi can vigorously defend herself when she’s entirely wrong, that my wife should be able to defend herself when she’s right. Is that so much to ask for? (For the record, I am referring to my wife’s job, and not implying that there is a time when it is I who is wrong about something, or needs to be defended against.)
Determined to Attack Inside the United States
And while my wife is waaay smarter than Rice, Rice has a much better ability at defending herself. In fact, that’s really all she has going for her. Her classic hit was the “I believe the title was 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States’" line she gave to the 9/11 commission. And it wasn’t just the pretend guess; though we all knew damn well that she knew the title of that memo. And she knew that we knew that she knew. And it wasn’t that she had been so obviously coy about it, or that she knew that we knew why she was being so coy. No. It was all of that, combined with her delivery, which was a complete expression of “I can’t imagine why you’d want me to mention the title.” As if she believed it to be entirely irrelevant and couldn’t understand why she had even been asked. As if she had just been asked the color of her bedspread, rather than the title of a memo she had been misleading America about.
And she did it. You know that she had practiced that line, and knew exactly how she’d deliver it. She’s a concert pianist. She speaks Russian. She’s got a PhD and has written several books. She’s all kinds of other clearly intellectual things that neither I nor you could be, yet we’re supposed to believe that she didn’t understand the importance of that memo? Or at the least, that we wouldn’t all be shocked and amazed that a memo with such a title had been so obviously ignored?
Come fucking on! That title was THE title that America needed to hear in order to condemn the Bush Admin. That title said everything. Hell, a title like “Bin Laden Determined to Attack the WTC on 9/11” would have been too over the top and unbelievable. But “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States” retained enough ambiguity to make it the title that should shock everyone. I’m not necessarily saying that it was fair to blame the Bush Admin for not acting on that memo (though they should have done more than ignore it). But if any country could blame its leaders for ignoring a memo, America is that country, and that memo was THE memo.
And yet, her delivery… It was amazing. The boldness. The feigned ignorance. It was perfect. Nobody could possibly believe her. She fooled no one. But that was the whole point. She wasn’t trying to fool anyone. It was nothing short of a perfect mindfuck. She wanted nothing less than for our brains to explode. And explode they did. The sheer mendacity and balls. Even thinking about it now, it’s staggering. She was openly professing complete ignorance to a matter of complete incompetence, and she knew that nobody could buy it. And nobody did.
Yet that was the whole point. To have gotten everything wrong, and to still be getting it wrong, and to act as if she didn’t know that she got it wrong, yet to obviously know how wrong it was, and to know that everyone else already knew it, and yet to continue to act as if the very point that everyone knew destroyed her was some insignificant detail that nobody could care about…it’s genius. Pure genius.
Don’t get me wrong. Rice is no genius. In fact, she’s a moron. A moron that knows how to memorize things and learn patterns. Think idiot savant pitbull, and you’ve got Condi. But she works it together so perfectly that it makes no real difference from genius…well other than that she’ll fuck everything up. But it’s a perfect storm that cancels itself out and brings itself to eventually become Secretary of State. Incredible.
And what else can you do when faced with this, other than to throw your hands up in defeat and have yourself a few stiff drinks. I’ve had a few stiff ones tonight, and they clearly weren’t stiff enough because I’m still agitated over the whole thing.
I mean, just imagine how different things would have gone, had she refused to give us the name of that memo. Or better, had she broken down and admitted to how bad the whole thing sounded, but to have begged for mercy. She would have gotten her mercy, but she’d also have gotten her pinkslip. And Bush would have lost the 2004 election. But that didn’t happen. She continued to feign ignorance, in spite of all evidence to the contrary; and it worked. It all worked. And we’re still stuck with that boob in the Whitehouse, and Condi got a damn promotion; having been given the job of the main guy in the Whitehouse to have gotten it right. Simply incredible.
Pulling a Condi
Anyway, this wasn’t about rehashing old news. I just read a new condi over at Eschaton, and it brought back all those old feelings. If you haven’t read it already, here it is. I’ll include Atrios’ comments because I’m too lazy to make my own:
Rice on CNN to John King, just now, responding to King pointing out that Democrats didn't have the same intelligence as the White House. It's her shiny new talking point. Shr grinned triumphantly as she said it:
They had the intelligence that made the case that Saddam Hussein had reconstituted his biological and chemical weapons and was at least on the way to reconstituting the nuclear weapons.
Right, they had the intelligence that made the case, but not the intelligence which pointed out that that intelligence was full of shit.
Oops, she did it again. She fucked with your mind. And you couldn’t do anything but read about it on my blog. And she knows it. She told John “Tool” King, and he couldn’t do anything but take it. And there’s nothing you can do either. As Atrios pointed out, King didn’t ask a follow-up, but would there have been a point? Would she have given up? Nope. She just would have blown his mind even more. I say he was lucky to get off as easy as he did. He doesn’t have much mind to blow, so this really could have been bad for the guy (though I’m sure Fox would still take him).
And what could be a follow-up question to this? I mean, she’s a Russian-speaking concert pianist doctor, and she just gave the dumbest fucking answer in the world. She gave the exact answer that proves her wrong, and she acted as if it proved her right. Specifically, in an attempt to show that Congress had the same intel as the Whitehouse, she tells us that they had intel which said that Saddam had what we all know he didn’t have. And more so, that our intel agencies knew was based on guesses and full of doubts; but which weren’t passed on to Congress.
In other words, she gave the answer that made her look wrong. Her answer to prove that Congress wasn’t misled was to point out that they were given intel which misled them. And that’s just so fucking crazy that it works. She can say this stuff and get away with it. Because remember, what she said wasn’t a lie. It was much bolder and shameless than a lie. It was an admission of guilt dressed up to look like an exoneration. But it wasn’t really hidden. It was so blatant and obvious that you feel like you just got hit in the face with a cold fish. And that’s what makes her the Secretary of State, and why you’re just some dude reading a blog.
And so that’s what I wish on my wife. Not that she’ll become another Condi (god forbid). But that she’ll take a page from Condi’s book and learn how to not feel squeamish when under attack. If that woman can defend herself in front of the whole world by throwing our own common-sense and rationality in our faces, then my wife should be able to defend herself against a few minor battles at the office.